A Life Without Gratitude のすべてのチャプター: チャプター 11 - チャプター 19

The chemotherapy starts on a Tuesday.They warn me it will be difficult. "Aggressive treatment for aggressive cancer," the oncologist says with practiced sympathy. "You'll feel worse before you feel better."He's not wrong.The poison goes into my veins—cold first, then burning—and within hours I'm vomiting so violently I think my body might turn inside out. My hair starts falling out in clumps by day three. My skin turns gray. My mouth fills with sores that make eating agony.I spend most of the first week unconscious or wishing I was.Damien visits once.Day four. Tuesday afternoon. He stands in the doorway of my hospital room like he's not sure he's allowed to enter. He's in a suit—came from work, probably squeezed me in between meetings."Claire." He takes three steps into the room. Stops. Looks uncomfortable. "How are you feeling?"I'm bald, gray, covered in my own vomit, hooked up to six different machines. How does he think I'm feeling?"I've been better," I manage."Right. Of

The surgery doesn't go well.I know this before I'm even fully awake. The pain is wrong—too sharp, too everywhere. And there are voices, urgent and tense, that pull me from the anesthesia fog."Blood pressure dropping—""More fluids, now—""Dr. Rahman, she's bleeding internally—"I try to open my eyes but my lids are cement. Try to speak but there's a tube down my throat. I'm drowning in my own body and I can't even scream."She's crashing—"The steady beep of the heart monitor becomes erratic. Then faster. Then a long, sustained tone that I recognize even through my confusion.I'm dying.Again.Still."Paddles—clear—"My body arcs. Pain explodes through my chest. The beeping returns, weak and irregular."We're losing her—"Someone is crying. A nurse, maybe. Young, probably hasn't seen many people die.I want to tell her it's okay. That I've been dying for years. This is just the paperwork making it official.But I can't speak.Can only drift.Can only wait for the end.---I wake up

I wake up to sunlight streaming through the guest room window.For a moment—one brief, disorienting moment—I expect to feel the pain. The nausea. The bone-deep exhaustion of chemotherapy.But there's nothing. Just the normal stiffness of sleep, the slight chill of morning air.I lift my hand and stare at it. No bruises. No IV marks. Just skin that looks healthy and whole.Real. This is real.I'm twenty-seven years old, and I'm not dying.Not yet.The thought sends a chill through me. Because I know what's coming. Eleven months from now, if I do nothing, the cancer will be there. Last time, I ignored every warning sign until it was too late. Growing silently. Waiting to kill me.But I have time. Time to catch it. Time to fight it. Time to live.If I'm smart.I check my phone. Three new messages from Mother, two from Father, one from Elena. All variations of the same theme: confusion about my "behavior," demands for explanation, guilt wrapped in concern.I delete them without reading fu

Dr. Sarah Chen's office is nothing like I expected.No clinical white walls or intimidating leather couch. Instead: warm honey-colored wood floors, soft gray furniture, plants everywhere—ferns and succulents and something with broad green leaves I can't name. Natural light streams through tall windows. There's a white noise machine humming quietly in the corner, and the air smells faintly of lavender.It feels safe.That thought catches me off guard. When was the last time I felt safe anywhere?"Claire?" A woman appears in the doorway connecting to an inner office. She's petite, maybe late forties, with kind eyes and silver-streaked black hair pulled into a loose bun. "I'm Dr. Chen. Please, come in."I follow her into the therapy room. More plants. A desk in the corner with a laptop, but she doesn't sit there. Instead, she gestures to two armchairs positioned at angles, close but not too close."Make yourself comfortable. Would you like water? Tea?""Water, please." My throat is tight

I answer on the first ring. "Hello?""Mrs. Wolfe, it's Dr. Morrison. I have your blood work results. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"My heart hammers. "Yes. I'm sitting down.""Good." She takes a breath. "Your results show some abnormalities I want to discuss. Your complete blood count shows lower than normal white blood cells, particularly neutrophils. Your red blood cells are slightly enlarged. And your platelet count is borderline low."I close my eyes. I remember these words from my first timeline. Different doctor, same diagnosis building block by block."What does that mean?" I ask, even though I know."It could mean several things. But given the pattern and your symptoms, I'm concerned about myelodysplastic syndrome—MDS. It's a bone marrow disorder where the marrow doesn't produce healthy blood cells effectively.""Is it cancer?""It's considered a precancerous condition. Some cases progress to acute myeloid leukemia. Some remain stable for years. We can't predict which tra