The first time I die, I don’t understand that it’s happening.That feels important to say, because people imagine death as recognition. A moment where the world clarifies itself, where fear sharpens into something almost useful. This is not that. This is confusion, brief and intimate.There is a sound like punctuation. A hard stop. Then my body does something it has never practiced before.It lets go.I am standing in the field. I am always standing in the field. The mud is thick, the air sharp with smoke and iron, men moving in frantic, broken patterns that feel familiar in the way nightmares do. I turn at the wrong moment. Or the right one. I will never be certain which.The musket fires.There is pain, but it is not dramatic. It is heat, sudden and rude, blooming at my chest as if the world has made a clerical error. My knees buckle. My hands reach for something solid and find only air.Then I am on the ground.T
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