I woke up at five forty. Not from sleep. From the particular state I had existed in for most of the night, horizontal, eyes closed, mind running at full capacity on everything I had told it not to think about. Walsh. The procedure. Lena sitting across from Noah in a café with information she had no business using. At five forty I gave up and got up. Showered. Dressed. Found my jacket on the back of the chair where I had left it last night, which meant I had taken it off, which meant last night had been the kind of night where the jacket came off, which I was not going to examine. I went to the kitchen. Made my own coffee. I had done it twice now. The first time five weeks ago felt different from this morning. The first time had been a decision, I will make my own coffee so Noah can sleep. This morning my hands just did it. Measured, timed, poured, without deciding to. I stood at the counter and drank it and thought about Lena. She had never been cruel. That was the thing I alw
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