I found my father in the east courtyard.Not inside, not at a table in a formal room where the furniture could provide structure and distance and the architecture of a difficult conversation. He was outside in the thin morning light, standing near the courtyard wall with a cup of something warm in his hands, looking at the winter garden the way people looked at things when they were not actually seeing them — using the view as somewhere to put their eyes while their mind was somewhere else entirely.He heard me approach and turned. He looked at me directly. He was still doing that — the eye contact, deliberate and held, the thing he had committed to in the main hall yesterday and was clearly working to maintain. It cost him something. I could see that it cost him something. I was not going to credit him for it out loud but I noted it internally because I was trying, in this process, to be accurate rather than just angry. Accuracy required noting the things that were real even when the
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