I said his name out loud three times that night, just to see if it would start meaning something different the fourth time.“Adrian Ashford.” Once, quiet, testing the shape of it in my empty kitchen. “Adrian Ashford.” Again, like maybe the second time would jar something loose. “Adrian Ashford.” A third, and it still sounded like nothing — a name I’d heard in passing for years, attached to headlines I never fully read, a man I’d never once had a reason to think about.I sat at my kitchen table, laptop open in front of me, cursor blinking in an empty search bar. I hadn’t typed anything into it yet. I’d been sitting like that for almost ten minutes, staring at the little vertical line pulsing on and off, on and off, like it was daring me to move.I’d avoided looking him up for years. Not because of anything specific — just the way you avoid a name attached to something you sense might be painful, something that isn’t quite yours to grieve, so you leave it alone out of a strange kind of
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