Comedy Campus Short Stories & Novels

The moment my roommate walked in, she used my locker. She claimed to have too many things and nowhere else to put them. I rolled my eyes. Why should I let her get her way? I was not her parent. She was no princess, but she acted like one. I was ready to argue, but she tossed 200,000 dollars at me. “At your service, Your Highness!”

Julian is my twin brother. I rule the Greek scene at our Ivy League. We use different last names. Because of that, rumors fly. People think he’s just my pathetic lapdog. They think he bows to my red-bottom heels. His cold, lethal partner, Silas, finally had enough. He pinned Julian against a wall. He growled. "Do you really have to be that woman’s personal pet?" My brother just looked dazed. "She’s actually really sweet to me in private." Silas casually wiped the blood off his knuckles. He just came from crippling a guy at an underground fight club. He scoffed. "Just wait. Give me a month. I’ll rip that Black Widow’s mask right off." A month later, I had two lethal beasts willingly groveling at my feet. This time, it was my brother who grabbed Silas by the collar. Julian was losing his mind. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" Silas slowly buttoned his shirt. He carefully covered the bite mark of submission on his collarbone. His eyes were dead calm. "I think you’re heavily biased against her."

On Christmas Eve, I made a wish for a miracle: a round, perky, Kardashian-worthy butt. That night, I actually dreamed about Theodore Blake, the ice-cold captain of our college hockey team. He braced one hand on a desk, caging me in as he stared at a glowing screen flickering above it. [A dream you can't escape until you've built the perfect 'XXX'?] He raised an eyebrow. “What's the missing word?” It was only a dream, so I made something up. “It's... 'body.' Who doesn't want the perfect body?” He nodded, though he still looked skeptical. From then on, he appeared in my dreams every night, putting me through a grueling workout routine. He wouldn't let me sleep until I was drenched in sweat. Ten days later, my butt was still nowhere near peach-perfect. Mission failed. The bedroom in my dream suddenly shrank until there was only room for a single dorm bed! He was six-foot-three. I was five-foot-three. And there we were, trapped together, looking utterly helpless. We stared at each other awkwardly. My face burning, I turned away. His eight-pack pressed right up against my back. Wait a second. Why can I feel his skin? And why is he so warm? When I woke up the next morning, I was wrapped up tight in my comforter. After the hockey game that day, Theodore, the campus bad boy, pinned me against the locker room door and glared at me. “Listen, from now on, stop hogging the blanket at night! “And tell me. What the hell does that damn 'XXX' mean?”

My childhood friend, Flynn Carter, is the college's undisputed ice hockey star and campus heartthrob. Too bad he has a secret no one knows about. Because he's "allergic" to women and hates physical intimacy, he's stayed single well into adulthood. Over time, rumors have spread around campus that there's something wrong with him in that department. But no one will ever guess what this cold, unapproachable god is like once he comes home. One night, I return to the apartment we share after my evening class. I walk in just in time to see Flynn holding my freshly washed bra in his hand, a faint crease between his brows as he asks, "Why do you even have pink ones?"