Norm Macdonald Based On A True Story

For three years, Jared never touched Lucia. But late at night, he'd sneak off and get off to a photo of Alice—her so-called sister. Lucia didn't find out until she saw his phone by accident. That's when it hit her—he only married her for revenge. She was the real heiress, swapped at birth. But when she came back, everyone acted like she'd stolen Alice's life. Crushed, Lucia walked away. Back to her true family. What she didn't expect? Jared losing his mind, tearing through the world trying to find her.

I've always been sensitive and delicate since young. The first reaction I often exhibit whenever I run into a problem is "I wanna die". But weirdly enough, those who bully me are also the ones who get really unlucky in life. It turns out that I'm the real heiress to a wealthy family. On the first day of me rejoining said family, the fake heiress, Quinn Emerson, cries hysterically as she hollers about wanting to jump off the balcony. My parents and my older brother, Finn Emerson, keep consoling her that she's always their precious darling. Knowing that I won't have a good status in this family, I rush over to the window and scream "I don't wanna live anymore!" before jumping off the third floor. Unexpectedly, I land right on top of Finn. While I'm left unscathed, he suffers from multiple fractures and has to get hospitalized for three months. Later on, I'm admitted into an elite academy. Quinn cries about how I've been bullying her. In order to avenge her, my parents use the excuse of driving me to school just to abandon me in the middle of the highway. Feeling very aggrieved, I scream "I don't wanna live anymore!" again and turn to look for a truck to get run over. But the truck driver manages to pull off a 360-degree spin, crashing into my parents' car instead. The car does three flips in the air before landing on the ground. They almost get reduced to vegetables in that accident. On my 18th birthday-slash-coming-of-age ceremony, Quinn's urge to cause trouble is overtaking her once again. This time, she intends to accuse me of stealing the jewelry worth tens of millions of dollars that's gifted to her by our mom. But my parents, Finn, and even my grandma, who used to dote on Quinn a lot, are so frightened that they slap Quinn a dozen or so times. "Why must you cross that walking jinx?" they exclaim.

I was the real heiress who had just been found and brought home. After I returned to my family, my parents did not favor the fake heiress like the rumors claimed. Instead, they put me first in everything. I quickly integrated into this social circle, and even the fake heiress' childhood friend, Drake Weston, showed interest in me. On the day my father asked me to choose a marriage partner, I was walking toward Drake when pop-up messages suddenly appeared before my eyes. [Don't choose him. He's always loved the fake heiress. He's only getting close to you to seize the family assets in your hands. If you choose him, you're as good as dead. He'd risk his life for the fake heiress, and she's been trying to kill you all along.] I stopped and turned toward the Lockwood family's illegitimate son, Callum Lockwood. Another pop-up message appeared before my eyes. [Choose him. He's kind-hearted and family-oriented, and he's secretly in love with you. You won't go wrong choosing him.] In my previous life, I was misled by the pop-up messages and chose Callum, who seemed harmless. It turned out he was the one who loved the fake heiress. Less than a year after our marriage, they plotted together and killed me. Only after I died did I learn the fake heiress had manipulated all those pop-up messages. She even killed my parents and inherited all my family's assets. This time, I chose Drake without hesitation. The fake heiress and Callum completely lost their composure.

Ikakasal na ang pinakapopular na babae sa amin noong high school. Inimbitahan niya ang lahat sa aming klase para sa kaniyang kasal. Gusto kong kumilos na parang hindi ko nakita ang message na ipinadala niya sa akin pero walang tigil niya akong tinag sa group chat. “Nagkunwari kang mayaman gaya ko noong high school, pero hindi kita masisisi sa ginawa mo. Sa totoo lang, iniimbitahan kita sa kasal ko bukas para makita mo kung paano maging isang tunay na mayaman.” Agad na nagsalita ang iba naming mga kaklase. “Napakabait mo talaga, Haley. Kaya hindi na ako magtataka kung paano mo nagawang pakasalan ang isang miyembro ng pamilya Baumer. Hindi ako makapaniwala na mapapatawad mo ang isang materialistic na kagaya ni Emma!” “Ano ba ang deserve ng isang kagaya ni Emma Larkin para makaattend sa kasal ni Haley? Masyado siyang mayabang.” Habang tumitindi ang mga pangiinsulto, umabante si Haley Stockwell para mapanatili ang kapayapaan sa chat. “Sige na, kalimutan na natin ang mga hindi maganda nating nakaraan. Hindi na ako naaapektuhan sa mga ito dahil masyado nang matagal mula noong mangyari ang mga iyon. Anyway, huwag na tayong maghinanakit kay Emma dahil masyado na itong mahirap at pangit.” Walang tigil na umulan ang mga papuri sa kaniya ng lahat sa group chat habang tinatawag siya ng ilan sa amin na mabait at inosente. Napasinghal ako sa aking nakita. Si Haley ang babaeng nagkukunwaring mayaman sa amin—ako ang tunay na tagapagmana ng isang mayamang pamilya pero pinalabas pa rin niya na sinungaling ako. Ginawa niya akong target ng mga pangiinsulto ng lahat. Tiningnan ko ang digital wedding invitation para makitang gaganapin sa aking villa ang kaniyang kasal. Mukha ring pamilyar ang kaniyang groom—hindi ba’t ito ang driver ng aking asawa? Ngumiti ako nang maisip ko ang mangyayari. Sumagot ako sa chat ng, “Sige! Kailangan kong umattend ng kasal mo!”

The Andersons' rule was simple and brutal: the inheritance passed to sons, never daughters. So, I lived as a man for ten years. Even Winston Quinn, the one I had been promised to since childhood, had no idea. To him, I was just his best friend. After taking control of everything, I was finally ready to tell him the truth. Before I could say a word, Winston grabbed my arm, smiling like he couldn't be happier. "Sam, there's something I've been keeping from you. Louise quietly came back last month. We're getting married! She really looks like you." My whole body went rigid. That “sister” I had made up, the one who was supposedly recovering overseas? Before I could react, a woman who looked eerily like me peeked out from behind him. She shoved me aside, her expression sharp and smug. "I'm back, Sam. Stop clinging to Winston just because you're my brother. Have some shame. Otherwise, I'll tell everyone you've got twisted feelings for your future brother-in-law!" I looked at the arrogant impostor in front of me and almost laughed from sheer anger. She was Louise Anderson? Then who the hell was I?

I gave birth to my son prematurely on a train, and my fiance sold both of us off to go live with my parents’ real daughter. After I reincarnated, I watched my parents find their real daughter again, and I could not stop my tears as well as laughter. Not only did I personally get my fiance drunk, I sent him my sister’s way, and he got her pregnant. I tied up the person I hated the most in the train carriage. The station ahead was the one where I got trapped in a small village for the entirety of my last life. In this life, it was going to be her turn. Her and her child’s!

In my second year running the company, my high school class monitor suddenly started tagging me nonstop in the group chat. [Alice, Vivian was only joking with you back then. Why won't you come to her party? Are you trying to make her feel guilty?] I didn't understand what was going on. Only after reading the messages did I realize that our class beauty, Vivian Spencer, had recently found her biological parents—and today, she had thrown a party to announce it to the world. Me: [I'm busy.] I had no intention of attending a party hosted by someone who used to bully me. But my answer didn't shut them up. Instead, it stirred up even more absurd speculation. [Don't tell me you're doing some kind of labor job and can't take leave?] [We're all former classmates. If you show up, I'll give you sixty dollars. That should cover two days of your salary.] Vivian chimed in as well. [Alice, it was just a joke back then. And I'd already dropped out by then. Why can't you let it go?] I stared at her message for a long moment before typing: [Only trash would call bullying a joke.] The group exploded instantly. [Vivian's no trash! She's a wealthy heiress. She's not even in the same league as you. Poor people really love to nitpick.] Vivian, ever the hypocrite, tried to smooth things over. [No matter what, today marks a new beginning for me. I hope you'll come to witness it. [We're classmates, after all. I don't hold it against you for forcing me to drop out. If you're short on money, I can even ask my dad to arrange a job for you.] Then she sent a screenshot of her chat with her father. When I saw her father's profile picture, I froze. Wasn't that the same profile picture as my freeloading dad? But I look seventy percent like my mom—it's impossible for me to be a fake daughter. And Vivian was two months younger than me. I let out a laugh. "Alright, I'll definitely attend your recognition party."

On the first day I reunite with the wealthy Holloways, as soon as I step into the villa, I'm instantly whisked into a car with tinted windows. The fake heiress, Kate Holloway, cuts my ID and bank card with a pair of scissors right in front of my biological parents. She grins smugly at me the whole time. "You see, Rosalie, I've offended that one person who must not be offended at all costs in Ravenfield. You should go kneel in his estate for a few days. Think of this as your way to repay the Hollways for giving birth to you in this world." My heartless parents even tell the driver, "Make sure that she doesn't escape. It all depends on her whether or not our family will be able to survive this crisis." The journey to the mysterious man's estate is bumpy. But the scenery outside the window becomes more familiar as time passes. Finally, the driver stops right outside a well-guarded estate. He reports in a frightened tone, "W-We are here to deliver the girl to Mr. Whitethorn." Mr. Whitethorn? As in the powerful man who is prone to mood swings and can easily make families such as the Holloways go into bankruptcy with just a twitch of his finger? Wait, isn't that Dominic Whitethorn, my adoptive father who has doted on me since I was a little girl? The Holloways have chosen to make me the scapegoat in order to protect Kate. They probably never would've thought that the fearsome Mr. Whitethorn, who's capable of determining their survival, has scoured the entire city for me because I didn't come home last night.

My adoptive parents' long-lost daughter came back. She's a wellness influencer. She eats from crystal bowls she "cleansed." Sleeps with a white noise machine. She will only ride in a custom, climate-controlled car. That's not all. She filled our family's Manhattan law firm with Himalayan salt lamps and energy crystals. The espresso in the conference room? Replaced with gluten-free, organic dandelion root tea. "The energy here is so murky," she'd say. "We need to cleanse the world with love and light!" My guilt-ridden parents gave her everything she wanted. Even my fiancé told me, "Ava, you stole twenty years of her Upper East Side life. Can't you cut her some slack?" The day of the final hearing for our firm's biggest case, the entire court had to wait for her to finish her "emotional cleansing meditation." The judge was furious. I stood up. Delivered a flawless closing argument. I won our client $500 million and secured the future of the firm. But at the party, she had a drunken breakdown, fell into the pool, and drowned. My parents and my fiancé blamed me for everything. "You always have to win, don't you? It was a simple, open-and-shut case. You couldn't even let her have that?" They had me committed to a psychiatric hospital. They destroyed my law license and my reputation. They even had me injected with a fatal overdose of sedatives. I died full of hate. The next time I opened my eyes, I was back. Back to the day she was crying on her Instagram Live, begging for the case. This time, I walked straight into our rival's law firm. This "sure-win" case? I'm going to make you lose everything.

Right after I reunite with my rich biological family, Ruth Stark, the adopted daughter, eagerly helps me fit into her social circle. But those rich scions constantly mock me and force me to drink. They also make crude jokes at my expense. I am furious, while Ruth walks over gracefully and says with a face full of concern, "Don't tease my sister. She just came back from the countryside and is clueless about the way things are here. I will drink for her." Everyone praises her for being kind and magnanimous while further cementing my reputation as a country bumpkin. One day, Ruth plans to take me to another gathering with her friends. Just as I am about to snap, the butler of Mason Frost, suddenly arrives at our door. He says it is a generous gift personally sent by Mason's mother. My parents instantly beam with joy and grab Ruth's hand excitedly. They praise, "You have made us proud, Ruth. It seems the Frost family is very satisfied with you. This marriage alliance is practically settled." Ruth lowers her head shyly, casting a taunting glance at me. But when I see the tag on the gift box, I can't help but laugh. Every employee who joins Frost Group receives this exact welcome gift. If Mrs. Frost finds out someone has mistaken this for a wedding gift for marrying her son, she will probably be very annoyed.