Alpha Brat
It’s cracked, grimy, and currently displaying four unread notifications: two from my bank (rude), one from Chad, and one from my landlord that simply says:
‘Have you considered selling used underwear?’
Delete. Delete. Trauma delete.
I open the job app with the same energy as someone re-downloading Tinder after a breakup. It’s all pyramid schemes and jobs with the words “vibrant sales environment,” which we all know translates to free labour.
I scroll. And scroll. And scroll. Somewhere between “dog psychic assistant” and “energy drink ambassador (must wear costume),” I find it.
IMMEDIATE HIRE. NO BACKGROUND CHECK. LOVES KIDS A PLUS.
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