"Elias Kim?"
He hasn't seen me yet.
I'm glued to the floor when all I want to do is disappear.
Am I dreaming?
Hallucinating, maybe?
Eli bends to grasp the handle of the suitcase standing between them. "That's me. But you can call me Eli."
Jude looks up over him, and his eyes finally find me.
Eli straightens and pulls the luggage into the room. "Come in."
The paper in my hands crinkles noisily as my fingers close over it.
Eli says something, but I don't hear a word.
Jude doesn't move an inch past the threshold. His blue eyes bore into me, surprise evident on his face.
Surprise? More like shock.
Something pokes my arm.
Then a hand waves in front of my face.
I snap my eyes from Jude to find Eli trying to gain my attention.
He gives me a confused look. "Jo?"
I suck in a deep breath and drop the paper to the floor. "Bathroom. I need to use the bathroom."
I feel Jude's eyes on me as I close the distance to the bathroom—which is, in this situation, so inconveniently close to the front door.
The moment I close the door behind me, I rush for the toilet bowl. Out of nowhere, my stomach is queasy. But nothing comes out, only empty retches.
I sit back on the floor, pressing my back to the wall between the toilet and the shower curtain.
I pinch myself. Unfortunately, I don't wake from a dream.
This is real. It's happening.
That is Jude at the door.
Jude.
And he's Eli's new roommate.
How is this not a dream?
I try to calm down my breathing, but it proves futile. My heart isn't giving me a break either.
My hand reaches for my pocket, subconsciously reaching for my phone. The only thing I can think of right now is getting out of here. Once I'm out of here, maybe I can process what's happening. I mean to call Simon, but I realise my phone is still in Eli's room.
I don't know how long I remain there, huddled into myself. Probably a long time because I don't move until there's rapping on the door followed by Eli's voice.
"Jo? Are you okay?"
I come to my feet and wipe my clammy hands on my shirt. Eli's shirt.
I cross to the door and pull it partially open. I meet Eli's worried gaze through the small opening. "I need to go."
"Why? I'm done with breakfast. You haven't said hi to my roommate."
"It's an emergency."
"What's wrong?"
"It's my period. I need pads." The lie flies off my lips effortlessly. It's the best I can think of.
"Oh. Oh. Are you okay to get back like this? Let me get them for you. I can get one from the next room."
I shake my head. "I'll be fine until I get to my place."
"Are you sure?"
I nod.
"Okay. Umh—"
"Can you get me my phone? And jacket."
"I'll be a sec," he says and disappears. I pull the door closed and wait.
Eli gets back with my jacket and phone. I pull the jacket on, then reach my foot out to bring my shoes closer. After I put them on, I face him again with an apologetic smile. "I'll call you later."
He leans in and kisses my forehead. "Okay."
He steps to the side and opens the front door for me. This time around, the distance between the bathroom and the front door is heaven-sent.
I don't dare look back as I cross the threshold into the hallway. With a final wave goodbye, Eli closes the door.
I all but sprint down the hallway.
I dial Simon's number as I take the stairs.
When he receives the call, he grunts into the phone. He's still sleeping.
"I'm coming over," I tell him.
Another grunt.
"Jude is back."
Silence.
"What?"
He's finally awake.
~~~
Simon gulps down a glass of water, his fingers massaging his temple.
"Sit down, you're making me dizzy."
"That's your hangover, not me."
"This is all you. You cannot wake me up at eight o'clock after a night of drinking with such news!"
"It's nine o'clock."
"Not the point."
"What should I do?"
"I don't know. I don't know. I can't think."
Makes two of us.
Simon jumps to his feet. "I need a shower."
He's gone towards the bathroom before I can stop him.
I keep up with my pacing and nail-biting until he reappears, hair wet and looking much better.
He takes a seat on the couch in his living room. Simon shares a two-bedroom apartment with Isaac. But, Isaac went home for the weekend, so it's just him.
"Okay, now you can tell me."
"I've already told you."
He shakes his head. "No. Tell me how you feel."
How I feel? I don't know how I feel! Totally confused would cover it.
"Shocked."
"That's expected."
"Simon!"
"Okay. So. You slept with Eli last night."
"Yes."
"Because you thought you were finally over Jude and had waited long enough. Then he shows up right after."
I groan and take a seat beside him. "And because I like Eli."
"Then you left without saying anything to him."
"Is there anything I could have said?"
He shrugs. "How did he react?"
"Surprised."
"There's only one way around this."
"Which is?"
"That closure you never got. You need to talk to him. Find out what happened."
"I've only recently managed to let him go, Simon. I can't."
"Is that why you are here? Because him showing up didn't shake you up?"
"You don't understand. It'll take me back. Everything I've done to heal all this time will be for nothing."
What if he confirms my worst fears?
He promised to come back to me, but he never as much as sent a text message. Three years of nothing but radio silence.
The only explanation I could come up with was that he let me go and decided I had no place in his life. I accepted that because was I not the reason he left in the first place? I was bad for him. If he had to cut me off to get better, I couldn't resent him for that.
But accepting that was way easier than forgetting him. My feelings festered long after I had given up hope of us, and the pain lasted even longer.
Not to mention the guilt. That maybe if I'd been more attuned to what was going on in his mind, we never would have ended up where we did.
One of my biggest fears was that he didn't love me anymore and couldn't care less. Would it not have been less cruel to at least let me know when he decided to let go of me? It would have hurt, but it would have been better than being in the dark. I wouldn't have waited for so long, keeping hope in my heart that only hurt me in the end.
My worst fear was that he had never truly loved me. That all along, I was an obsession and nothing more.
"That's the only way unless you plan on ignoring him forever. Or unless you really don't want answers."
I know Simon is right.
There's no way to escape him when he is Eli's roommate.
Besides, I've moved on. I shouldn't feel guilty for moving on. I'm sure he won't hold that against me. Just like I decided not to hold his silence against him.
Maybe we can start on a clean slate.
Simon chews on his bottom lip. "Jo, are you sure?"
"About what?"
"That your feelings for him are gone."
"I like Eli now."
"I know, but—"
"It doesn't matter, Simon."
I've come too far to turn back.
He lets that go. "What is he doing here, anyway?"
"It's a credit transfer. He'll also be joining the football team. That's why he's Eli's roommate."
"So you'll be seeing a lot of him."
I nod.
"Did he know you go here?"
I shrug. "If he bothered to ask, he knows."
"I've wanted to smack him for so long, and now here he is. Maybe I'll get my chance."
When Jude never kept his promise, Simon was the most incensed. Maybe because he's the one who was there whenever I broke down, and he's the only one who knows exactly how miserable I was.
Him and Cole.
"Maybe you should," I mutter.
So, yes, I let it go.
But now, I'm reminded of what I went through only because Jude chose silence. Whatever went on, he should have told me.
I take a seat beside Simon and sigh heavily.
Has he told Eli that he knows me?
Should I let Eli know that he's the person I've been hung up on all this time?
I guess I'll not know what to do until I see him again.
"Where have you been?"I close the door behind me and remove my shoes. Tori watches me as I walk into the apartment. She's sitting on the couch, hair in rollers while she paints her toenails. What's the occasion?"Simon's.""Is that where you spent the night?""No." I notice a parcel lying on the coffee table and hurry to it. "Is this mine?""Yeah. It was delivered this morning."I tear the wrapper to reveal an Adidas shoebox. Finally, Eli's birthday gift is here.Now all I have to do is give it to him..."Whose shirt is that?" she asks, eyes narrowing at the said clothing.I cradle the box under my arm and head to my room. "Eli's."She doesn't say anything else until I'm at my door. "Have you met his roommate?"My hand closes around the door handle. "No. Have you?""I'm about to."I whirl around. "What?""I'm going with Eli to show him around campus."Why am I not invited?Do I want to be invited?"Is that why you are..." I trail off, gesturing to her hair.She pauses painting her na
"Anyone fancy a cold drink? I'm parched."We've just come to the football pitch after completing our tour of the Sports Complex. It's been a kind of awkward tour. Tori is still fuming because of God knows what, and I'm trying to avoid any type of interaction with Jude. He might say something that makes me snap and blows our cover."Sounds great!" I agree with Eli, turning to him. I can go with him to get them and escape this suffocating situation for a few minutes.He's looking at Tori. "Tori? Want to go with me?"No way! If they leave, I'll be left with Jude alone!I step closer to Eli and grab his arm. "I'll come with you."His dark eyes shift from Tori to me. He leans in and whispers. "She has been down all afternoon. I want to talk to her while we get drinks."I deflate. The two are childhood best friends, so Eli must be bothered about her low mood. And, after her reaction about us not telling her we are together, she must be mad at him. So mad that she hasn't put much effort into
I have trouble falling asleep. It's impossible to when my mind is a jumble of confusing thoughts.If what Jude said is true—and there doesn't seem to be much doubt that it is—that means everything I've felt these past three years on account of him has been baseless. Misplaced anger, hope, and hurt.I still can't wrap my head around why Cole would refuse to tell me that Jude communicated. If I could, I would call him right now to hear it straight from him. But I have to wait until tomorrow if I want to talk to him.Jude never went silent on me.He never broke his promise.This is all sinking in now and I don't know how to feel about it.For an entire year, he didn't give up on us.I don't want to imagine what he thought or felt when Cole told him I didn't want to speak to him. His earlier attitude towards me is an indication, though.While I thought he betrayed me, he was thinking the same about me.God, what a mess.I take out my phone and text Simon.Me, 9.42pm: Jude never went silent
Eli opens the door to his dorm room while I stand beside him, fingers nervously tapping on my bag strap.We've just come from the field. Practice lasted two hours. Jude went straight to the offices to finish up some registration stuff. Eli doesn't have a class until eleven o'clock, and I have an hour before my next schedule at the sports complex.He pushes the door open and lets me walk in before coming in after me. I take off my shoes and walk further into the room, my mind taking me back to the last time I was here. There's a soft thud on the floor, then Eli's hand wraps around my arm. He pulls and turns me around, bringing me to him. Before I can react, he dips his head and kisses me.His lips are firm and urgent on mine. Before long, I find myself digging my fingers into his arms, getting closer to him.When we break apart, his thumb caresses my cheek. "It feels like it's been forever since I had you alone."I chuckle. "True." I feel the same way too. A lot has happened since yes
We arrive at Upperhill Prison a few minutes after two o'clock.After parking at the visitors' lot, Jude and I head over to check-in. Once we're done with everything, we are led into the visiting room. We take our seats and wait for Cole to show up.The last time I was here, I was alone. As I am most times, other than for the few times I came together with Jax. In the two years Cole has been here, Nicki has never visited. As for Simon, Cole would be the last person he wants to see right now. Or ever.Anyway, I never would have thought I would ever be visiting him with Jude.I gaze around the room. There are other inmates already seated with their visitors. The one closest to us is a man who's being visited by a woman and a boy who looks about ten and resembles him. He looks happy to be with his family. I wonder whether Cole will be thrilled about us showing up like this."There he is," Jude's voice draws me from my observation of our surroundings.I look towards the entrance and sure e
I unwrap his fingers from around my hand and step away before turning to look at him. "Stop, Jude. We are history. And I have a boyfriend now."His blue eyes bore into me. "You having a boyfriend is not going to keep me away." He takes a step towards me, to which I respond by stepping back farther. He narrows his eyes. "We never broke up, you know."I gape at him. Is he serious?"So no, we are not history," he continues.I fold my arms around my middle and gaze up at him. "It's been three years—""It's been a misunderstanding," he interrupts me. "And it's solved now."I look away, chewing on my lip. I can't handle this right now. First, I need to get to work on time. Then, I need to think of a way to tell Eli about all this. Until then, I don't want to have this conversation with Jude. I reach for the car door and pull it open. "Let's go back.""I came here because of you," he says.That stops me in my tracks. I turn to look at him again, a frown forming on my face. "What?""You're th
"Have you told him yet?"I startle, drawing my gaze from the pitch to Jude, who's suddenly sitting beside me. It's Saturday and we are at a football match.It's the last match of the season, after which comes a three-month break. But the football team won't be getting any break from school. For the coming twelve weeks of the long holiday, they'll spend ten in training, with a majority taking classes too."What are you doing here?" I ask, eyes flickering from the other players to him. He is supposed to be at the bench with the other substitute players."Talking to you, obviously. You're still good at avoiding people, I've realised."It's true, I've done my best to avoid him these past few days. I needed time to think about things without him trying to mess with my feelings more than he already has.I stare back at the pitch. "Go back to the bench.""Why have you not told him yet?""It's none of your business.""I know you haven't agreed to be his girlfriend yet."My eyes swing back to
The next evening, at around eight o'clock, I stand outside Eli's dorm, feet nervously tapping the floor.Two hours ago, he sent me a message asking whether we could meet and talk in his room. He said Jude wasn't going to be around for the evening, which is why I agreed to his plan.Now, here I am. The truth is finally going to be revealed, and I'm unable to think past the nerves plaguing me right now. I've tried to think of ways to make the truth less harsh, but I cannot even think past the thought that I'm going to hurt his feelings, and I have no idea how to fix that.Taking a feel breath, I lift my hand and knock on the door.A few seconds later, the door opens, revealing Eli on the other side. His lips curl into a smile when he sees me. "Hey. You’re here."I nod, returning his smile and walking into the room when he steps aside. I remove my shoes while he closes the door, and then follow him into the living room.I take a seat on one end of the couch and grab a throw pillow, huggi