Stage 4: "What was I thinking?"

~ If only he would change, everything would be perfect.~

"I had heard about the seven-year itch, my deceased grandmother talked about with me at length. My marriage has me scratching my head, and we are nowhere near seven years of marriage. It's only been a few years and a couple of months, and the conflicts keep rising, and I'm running out of solutions. 

Later that night, Rome sneaks into bed. He thought I was sleeping. I opened my eyes and glared at him, making him jump. 

"Girl. You scared me." 

"That girl wants you. Couldn't you see that!" 

"I didn't know she would do what she did." 

"Well, you should have done something, Rome, besides sit there and enjoy it! Why are you so set on flirting with girls in my face!" I shouted

"I wasn't flirting! Plus, I was just as surprised as you that she did that to me. You know Aerial is flirtatious, and I can't help that." Rome argued. 

"I can't deal with this; no more house parties! You have embarrassed and disrespected me tonight before all our friends."

"You get jealous over the dumbest stuff! It was just a form of dancing. We were fully dressed. You are the most insecure girl I know!" Rome Shouted. 

"If I'm so insecure, maybe it's because you make me feel that way!" 

"How? By having a little fun. What can I do about women being attracted to me, huh? "

"Then go get with all the girls that want you! I hate you!" I got out of bed to leave the room.

Rome's way of ending arguments and solving our problems. It wasn't working; his seemingly minor actions were escalating my anger, causing me significant emotional and mental harm.

He hopped up and moved in front of me. "Don't say that you hate me, Hailey, when you know you don't mean it," Rome said sultrily. He took his hand, put it underneath my pajama top, and touched my skin. I didn't want him to feel me up.

He wasn't getting any tonight. I pushed his hands away and slapped him across the face as I moved away from him.

"Don't try it, Rome!" I yelled.

"Don't slap me when I've done nothing wrong, Hailey!" Rome shouted.

He pulled me toward him and tried to kiss me, but I didn't want to kiss him. He always did this when things weren't going his way, and tried to solve our problems with sex. 

"Get off of me! Stop it!" I yelled. 

"Then stop trying to fight me." He yelled back. 

"I'm not sleeping in here tonight with you!" I yelled, pushing Rome off me, but he grabbed me again. I pushed harder and grabbed the lamp on the nightstand.

"I'm serious, Rome! I'm mad enough to hit you upside your head!" 

Now move." I yelled. 

"Alright, I'll let you win this time."

I shoved past him and went into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me.

******

It's about 1 a.m. when I exited the bathroom and entered the bedroom, only to find it empty. I felt lightheaded and just couldn't comprehend what was happening. Did he leave the house so angry that he abandoned me? I entered the living room and saw him sleeping on the couch.  

"Humph, how can he sleep when this marriage is so full of turmoil and spiraling out of control?"

I felt so angry, I wanted to push him off that couch and wake him up. If I'm suffering, so should he. If I'm worrying about this marriage, so should he. I stood there thinking my vows meant something to me, but I had no idea what they meant to him anymore. I watched him sleeping, questioning everything about our marriage in tears and pain. 

I sat on the loveseat, glaring at him, questioning whether I still believed our wedding vows. "Love bears, believes, hopes, and endures." As a newly married wife, that's how I felt in my heart, but my mind was saying something else. I firmly believed in love. It was hard. My self-esteem was slowly eroded. I felt like everything about me was insufficient. I felt ashamed of not being enough, of not being important enough to be remembered when he is tempted or being seduced by some hussy in the streets. Was I good enough to make him happy?  

I had been telling myself Rome's vibrant personality and good looks were something he couldn't help. He was right about the women; they're attracted to him like a magnet. And technically, he hadn't cheated on me. But I thought if I was going to preserve my marriage, the parties had to stop, and I had to step up my game and save my marriage.

At first, I blamed my insecurities and jealousy. But didn't I have the right to protect what belonged to me? I truly loved Rome and his fun-loving nature; it was one of the things that drew me to him because I am so different. I didn't want to hold him back from having a good time, so I did things throughout the year to keep him happy. I made a special effort to plan things for our coming anniversary to show him he was still my focus.

I gave our anniversary a theme each year, and things appear to have been better. Our fourth anniversary theme was "Cater To You." 

I made it home from my job at about 4 p.m. and began to prepare a candlelight dinner. After slaving over the stove, I took a shower. On my lunch break, I went to Victoria's Secret and purchased a red sexy leather bikini bottom with a lace top. The top came with a red wrap-around sheer skirt that left little to the imagination.

I drenched my skin in the finest fragrances that made it shimmer, including the fragrance Rome introduced to me on our honeymoon. I wore that because it drove him insane with passion. I went to the beauty salon to have my hair done with deep waves. It was full of body and moved effortlessly. I had my face made up with smoky eyes and deep red lipstick. The last accessories I wore were the red high-heeled open-toe ankle stilettos.

I heard movement downstairs at 7 p.m. The lights were dim, and Rome smiled when he saw candles lit around the house and the smell of a delicious meal from the kitchen.

He said. 'Ah, she made a romantic dinner. How simple.'

He took a seat at the dining room table and waited. When I entered, he smiled broadly, his eyes widened, and stared at me for a few seconds, speechless.

"You look sexy. Is this a special occasion that I don't know about?" He hugged me and began touching me all over. I thought he must be joking when he asked me that question. There was no way Rome forgot our anniversary again.

I had put so much time and effort into planning all of this that I pushed it out of my mind and thought things could be worse. He came closer as I backed away. "No, no, no... You can look, but not touch... You don't know what the occasion is?" I said, searching his eyes.

Placing one hand on his hip and the other under his chin, he looked at me, puzzled. 

"Rome! Don't tell me you forgot this was our anniversary! Not again!"

"Oh, baby, I'm sorry I forgot. I did it again. Can you forgive me…"

"I went through so much to make this night special for you, but you didn't even remember what day this was."

"I'm sorry. I'm working hard. I gave up my modeling gigs, and now I'm holding down a traditional job and trying to get that promotion. So don't be mad at me, " he said, easing up, touching, and kissing me down my neck.

It took everything in my power not to be angry. I backed away again.

"Babe, if you're trying to teach me self-control, this is not how you dress to do that," He said, smiling as he stared at me lustfully.

I said, "You need more than a lesson in self-control." I recanted, disappearing into the kitchen to bring the food to the table. After we ate, I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom to freshen up and reapply my lipstick. I looked in the mirror and felt myself getting nervous. I had practiced for weeks to get the Beyoncé dance moves just right.

'You can do this, Hailey.'

I entered the dining room and escorted him to the living room under the dim lights. I sat in the chair I placed in the center of the floor. I pressed the remote for the song Cater 2 U " to play.

I began to dance sensually in front of Rome, touching him seductively as my red fingernails stroked his broad shoulders and chest. I paused before him, turning my back to him, as I undid the red little wrap,  dropping it slowly to the floor.

Rome reached out his hand, letting his fingers travel down the center of my back to my butt.

I turned around slowly, and my hands traced down the middle of his chest where his shirt was partially unbuttoned, as my fingers unbuttoned the rest, caressing down his thighs.

I flicked my eyes up to his, pulling him to stand. I begin to undo his slacks, telling him.

"Baby, I see you working hard. I want to let you know I'm proud of you and admire what you do. I want to give you my breath, strength, and will to be here; that's the least I can do.

So let me cater to you through the good, the bad, the ups, and downs. I'll still be here for you; let me cater to you."

I said, biting his bottom lip and tracing his lips with my heated tongue before entering it into his mouth. Rome deepened the kiss as his hands touched my body, and I gave him free rein to have his way with me. My body surrendered itself to his touch again and again.

I  peered into his eyes, peeling away his boxer briefs as I slid my hand under the waistband of his underwear, making him moan and groan. I saw how tense and strikingly disturbing he looked and sounded. Then, he suddenly backed me onto the couch and had his way with me when he was done and had nothing left to give. 

He got up, smiling; it wasn't a sweet but condescending smile. "You still have a lot to learn about me."

Rome said before walking away, leaving me baffled.