A Queen Among Blood

Hello!

I have no idea how long I’ve been staring into the endless darkness around me. It’s been like this every night for the past few weeks, ever since I first caught that scent; that unforgettable, life-altering scent that was like a shockwave through my very being. It came out of nowhere and ever since then I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. It’s consuming me and driving me to madness. I’ve never encountered a scent like it in my life. It was so unique that I can’t even describe it as a scent. Have you ever smelt something, yet you can only describe how it tastes? It was like that for me. This scent was like the galaxy exploding on my tongue. Now every night I toss and turn, my thoughts filled with questions about who this scent could possibly belong to, as the remnants of it echo on my tongue.

I reach to the side of my bed and tap on the clock.

“The time is, 3:43 am,” the electronic voice tells me. I groan and flop back against the pillows and continue to stare into nothingness. The benefit of being blind is I’ve never been kept awake by some form of light impeding my sleep. But when you’re alone with your thoughts in the middle of the night, suddenly that darkness feels incredibly intrusive.

I’ve never questioned anything my mother has ever done. I never questioned why of all my sisters; I was the one she made blind. Yet right now I can’t help but ask why did she decide to give me an animai? In all the thousands and thousands of years that my sisters and I have existed, not once have any of us found an animai. We never even assumed we could have one. To be fair, they would prove to be a dangerous distraction and a weakness that could be used against us and in our line of work that is far from ideal.

You see, I am an irshiust, a being of truth. My sisters and I were created by the Goddess Zarseti to help maintain peace and justice in the supernatural world, and it’s a full-time job, let me tell you that. We’re one of the most powerful beings on earth, not because we’re endowed with great cosmic power, but because there are few that can match us in speed, strength, and senses.

We’re easily identifiable by our liquid gold irises and skin that glitters as golden as our eyes. Not that I’ve ever seen these for myself from the mirror, because ya know, blind. Aside from our unique features, the ability that defines us is that we can detect when someone speaks the truth or a lie. This comes in handy when bringing people to justice, which is why we were given such a gift in the first place.

So you see, what we are and what our purpose is and even how different I am from my sisters, are not things I ever questioned. But being given an animai? Why me and why now? I know I have an animai and yet I’ve never met them. I have no idea who they are. I believe in my mother’s divine wisdom so I have to believe our paths will cross eventually, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Go crazy? Because that’s where I appear to be headed.

I know sleep won’t come to me anytime soon, so I decided the best thing for me to do is let off some steam. I get up and walk over to my chest of drawers grabbing a sports bra from the top drawer and active leggings from the second drawer. I’ve had this room for thousands of years, but I do update the furniture to keep with the times. You might ask ‘why bother?’ given I can’t see anything, but trust me, beds have drastically improved over the years. I’ve got two words for you: memory foam.

Whenever I update my room I do have to readjust to my new surroundings, but I catch on pretty fast and soon I don’t have to count steps or click my tongue to discern where the items around my room are. Everything remains organised so I know where I can find what I need. The top drawer is for bras and underwear, bras are kept to the left, and underwear to the right. The second drawer is for leggings and shorts. Leggings on the left, shorts on the right. The third drawer is for sleeveless tops, the fourth drawer is for short-sleeved tops and the fifth drawer is for long sleeve tops. Each drawer also has dividers in them, so everything is arranged in colour order, so I don’t leave looking like I was dressed by a blind person. That person being myself.

I change into my sports bra and leggings, grab a hair tie from the top of the chest of drawers and tie my long braids up into a bun. I then go into my closet, go to the shoe wall, and feel along the rows of shoes until I find the pair I’m after. I grab a pair of sneakers, put them on and make my way out of my room.

My sisters and I live in a very old castle, and we constantly see to its upkeep, but being a castle does mean it has what feels like an infinite amount of hallways and corridors, and given how many of us live here, it has many, many bedrooms. I’ve memorised every path in this place, so the chances of me getting lost are non-existent.  

As I make my way down one hallway after another, the sound of music begins to travel to my ears. Instead of making my way to the gym, I follow the music and as I get closer I can tell the music is coming from my sister Setia’s room based on my memory of our home’s layout. I approach her door, which I can tell is slightly ajar and push it open as the words of Johnny Cash’s rendition of ‘Hurt’ fills the room.

“Oh honey, Johnny Cash?” I say with a sympathetic tone, as she turns her head in my direction. I step in and take comfort in her botanical and oceanic scent that perfumes the room.

“What’s wrong with Jonny Cash?” she asks.

“Nothing, his music is great, but nothing screams ‘I’m depressed’ more than playing Johnny Cash on a loop.”

Her room, like everything else, is bathed in darkness, but she’s not. I can see Setia laying on her bed, with her head on her arms. I don’t see her in the same way you do, but I can see her aura. A beautiful glowing light of amaranth with glittering gold inside the hue. The colour outlines her figure perfectly making her form easy to make out. None of my sisters have this ability, just me. So while our mother made me blind, she did bless me with a gift to see what no one else can, and I admit that makes me feel special.

Now you’re asking, ‘but if you’re blind, how do you know what colours are?’. Well, originally I didn’t know which colour went by which name, so I just gave each colour my own name. For example, I called blue, caelum, red was ribappu and you get the point. During one of my mother’s visits, I asked her to teach me what the names of the colours were, so I could better communicate with people. She spent all day looking into my mind and teaching me the names of every colour that exists as I saw them in people’s auras. It was a unique day of mother-daughter bonding. It took me a while to use traditional colour names since I had gotten so used to my own, but I learned and adapted as I always do. That’s why I can tell you with perfect accuracy the colour that surrounds my sister. My very melancholic sister.

“I’m no–… I’m no–…” she takes a breath and sighs, unable to complete her sentence.

I walk over and sit beside her, “You know we can’t tell a lie, so why even bother?” I gently ask as I reach out and stroke her hair.

“Because I don’t deserve to feel depressed,” she explains.

I sigh, “This is about Mei, isn’t it? Setia you can’t keep blaming yourself for what happened to her. She’s with her animai and her family now and Longsang is flourishing. Those are all wonderful things. You should focus on that instead of one mistake you made,” I say comfortingly.

She gets up and walks to the other side of the room turning off her music, “I can’t just forget what happened, Yildiz. My mistake got her brutalised and on top of that, I had to learn about everything that happened to her mother. I didn’t just fail Mei, I failed Xiuying and I don’t know how to cope with that,” she says, a devastated wobble in her voice.

“Xiuying chose not to tell you about her animai, and you need to respect that choice, whatever her reasons may have been. As for Mei, Zixin knew our weaknesses, and that’s something we didn’t know. I believe one way or another he would have found a way to get to her. He was relentless,” I argue.

“But Amelia was right, I could have told them, warned them. Shared even what I suspected to be true about Zixin. I could have summoned Arthwin or Aulen to put a barrier around the pack, anything to keep her safe,” she says with deep remorse and at this point, I feel I’m arguing with a brick wall. Setia is determined to blame herself for the horrors that were done to the nagata Empress, which is ironic given if this had happened to someone else, Setia would be in my shoes saying exactly what I am.

“He had help from Isolde. Even without an ascension, she is still far more powerful than either Arthwin or Aulen combined. They would have found a way, and that’s the truth. You made a mistake, and you have owned up to it and tried to make it right, which is all you can do, but you can’t keep sitting here blaming yourself for what has passed, and you certainly can’t blame yourself for what Zixin has done, at that point you’re just being narcissistic,” I say folding my arms over my chest.

“How exactly am I narcissistic?” she asks in offence.

“To give yourself all the credit for someone else’s actions whether they be good or bad seems incredibly narcissistic to me,” I say casually.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” she whispers in disbelief.

“Well, you can because I did,” I say, rising to my feet, “Setia, I am sympathetic and I know that it will take time for you to come to terms with your guilt and I’m here for you however you need it, but don’t go giving yourself more blame than you deserve in some misguided attempt at penance. I love you and I won’t let you do that to yourself. You didn’t warn Mei, or the Invictus Pack of what dangers potentially awaited them, yes, blame yourself for that, but the blame ends there, do you understand me?” I say sternly.

I hear her audibly gulp, and watch as she nods, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t owe me an apology, and you’ve given more than enough to Mei. Mei is moving forward with her life choosing not to be burdened by the actions of the past,” I reach out and squeeze her arm, “You should do the same. An eternity is far too long to carry so much guilt.” With that I decide to leave Setia with her thoughts, hoping my words have knocked some sense into her.

“Wait, what are you doing up at this hour?” she asks curiously as I reach the door.

I shrug, “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Is everything okay?” she asks compassionately.

“I’m honestly not sure,” I say with a soft smile, closing the door behind me and proceeding to make my way to the gym.