A Regret Named Me

Shawn Jacobson didn't realize I was missing until three hours later.

The message he sent me was cold and distant.

"Where did you run off to? Did you get lost again while buying us drinks at the entrance?"

I couldn't recall how many times something like this had happened. He only seemed to remember I existed when he needed something from me.

I didn't reply and continued with my work.

The head nurse, Carla Porter, had just finished making her rounds when she saw me.

Surprised, she asked, "You saved up your annual leave to go on a trip with Shawn and Nadia. Why are you back so soon?"

My hands froze as I sorted through the medication.

They could finish an emergency surgery together with ease and earn a week of extra time off. But to go on a trip with them, I had to use my precious annual leave.

Yet the trip I had been looking forward to for so long only made me feel invisible.

Three more hours passed before Nadia Sparks walked to the nurse's station carrying a huge stuffed animal. She gave me a playful wink.

"Janet, this is the prize Shawn and I got for pretending to be a couple," she said. "We actually had to hug each other for 30 minutes straight. I'm exhausted!

"But it was worth it to make my best friend happy."

I had suggested joining the hugging contest earlier, but Shawn had brushed me off and called it childish, so I never brought it up again.

But the moment Nadia said she wanted to do it, he had no problem pretending to be her boyfriend.

I was the one actually dating him, not her.

An ache I couldn't put into words settled in my chest.

When I didn't take the stuffed animal from Nadia, Shawn reluctantly shoved it into my arms.

"You left without saying a word. Nadia was worried about you, and now you're giving us attitude?" he said.

As soon as he said that, all the coworkers around us looked at me with disdain.

Nadia turned to glare at him, then looked at me and said sweetly, "He's always been bad with his words. Don't mind him.

"Janet, are you still upset about the photos? Listen, I have so many embarrassing pictures of him on my phone. I'll show you!"

She pulled up her photo album, pretending to get back at him.

Shawn, who was always so serious and proper, looked silly and playful through her camera.

Meanwhile, the 1267 photos of him on my phone were all ones I had secretly taken from different angles.

Shawn wrapped an arm around Nadia's shoulders and tickled her.

He grumbled, "I told you not to show those to other people. Just wait till I get even with you!"

Nadia squealed and laughed. "Stop! I'm sorry!"

I stood there, stunned. To him, I really was just another outsider.

-

I went straight upstairs and knocked on the hospital director's office door.

"Dr. Colton, I've decided to accept the overseas training opportunity," I said.

Charles Colton looked excited, but concern soon appeared on his face.

"I'm glad you agreed to go," he said, "but have you discussed it with your mentor?"

Shawn was my mentor.

When I first joined the hospital, Nadia and I were both medical interns under him. But only Nadia was kept on by the hospital.

Throughout my residency, I never made a single mistake and even earned special commendations three times. Shawn brushed it off as nothing more than doing my job.

Once, I stayed up all night finishing medical records and didn't go home for a full day. He said I was only trying to catch up because I wasn't naturally talented.

But when Nadia saved an epilepsy patient on her own, he flooded Charles' office with glowing recommendations until she was given a special placement in the ER.

Later, I slowly realized that the harder I tried to catch up to them, the farther away they seemed.

I shook my head and gave a small, resigned smile.

"There's no need to discuss it with him. I've already made my decision."