Chapter 1: A Sudden Pain

Life is a never-ending surprise. One time you can feel completely sure about your choice, and two days later you can turn into someone that you are not yesterday. None of us can justify what is wrong and what is right when it comes to the feeling you can’t control, love, and its stuff.

I still here, living my life as nothing ever happened between me and him although somehow I wish our paths will cross again in the near future. It’s kind of a paradox when my mind always thinks that it is best for me to not remembering any pieces from the past as is in the past already, however, I often caught my heart hoping I could feel some sparks and a simple friendly conversation again with that man. Every night, before my eyes really shut, I think of everything that I left behind. I knew it’s far away from I am standing now but I think I never really left it and decided to keep it in my heart as memories that I will open the page before I sleep. It’s pathetic. I am the only one here, who’s stuck and refuses to forget. When I really am sure, everyone who involves there was already moved to another chapter, planning another future and never look back again. My life is good now. I mean, I’m young and still in the process of figuring out where should I bring myself into, what careers path suits me, and what kind of life that I wished I have. This life spins so fast, it feels like yesterday was my college year and all the have fun ‘till midnight or a long sleep until noon or just a little fooling around with some potential guys. Ah, don’t you miss it?

Everything I left behind is never actually gone, just like this night when my mind tried to memorizing every scene of it.

It was my last year of college, the fourth year. All the students have to fulfill their community service program in order to complete the graduation requirements later. Ah, how I hate this kind of stuff. You know why? It means you have to go somewhere in a suburb, or worse, a village. Far from the town, no night’s life, even the phone signal is hard to reach. And what is the worst part? For me, it will be the reality that I have to live with strangers for maybe a month. What the hell?

I keep telling myself that everything will be alright, there’s nothing I need to worry about because this is only a short-term program. Although I might be worried about my personality who’s not easy to blend with others and also my awkward side. Today is the first meeting of our group, they said it is family for a month while for me it makes no sense to family-ing someone you just meet today. Gosh.

I stepped into the second floor of this fast-food restaurant to meet this kind of alpha guy where he’s the one who always perky enough about this program. I really thought he will offer himself as the leader though. For the very first time of this meeting, I already dislike one of the members and I wonder is there any chance I dislike anyone else in the club. My eyes were catching each corner of this room, well, I don’t know his looks yet so I need to make sure I don’t greet the wrong person. My sight stopped to the guy wearing a denim jacket, he looks tubby and his eyes never leave his cellphone.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for someone from group 5 of the community service program. Are you one of them?” I greet him nicely.

He lifted his head and look me in the eye “oh, yes, I am from group 5 as well, waiting for the others. May I know your name? I think it’s raining heavily there in their places” he looked up to see the sky tonight. The beginning of a new year is still in a rainy season and it’s hard to predict the weather.

I smile and introduce myself in a proper way, “well, I am Issa. Nice to meet you. Yeah I thought rain hasn’t stop somewhere there, over my way I saw people wearing raincoats yet it’s already stopped here” nice catch. It’s a good chit-chat about the weather. “What’s your name? I asked again

“Oh, just call me Vincent. I am from Economics” he smiled while introducing himself. I saw what he ordered on the table: a coffee and french fries. Well, I really don’t know what to say again this time.

I looked at my watch to see what time is it, crap, it’s still 7 Pm. I guess it will take so long to wait for the others. Just like typical people here, a not-really-good habit grows within our society where lateness is not a big deal. I just hate it so much. For me, you should stick to what you agreed, if you promised to come at 7 then you have to. I take a deep breathe slowly, wishing someone would join us and I don’t have to feel this atmosphere alone.

…………….

Now there are 8 of us sitting here. Introduced each other and a little jokes to crack the stranger’s feelings among us. I saw that guy in front of me, he is Ivan, seems humble and nice, not kind of overbearing person- just like the first guy I met here-. Then the guy at the edge of this table, Arthur, he’s the tiniest in comparison to the other guy here. He has fair skin with knee-length shorts and wearing glasses, well he looks casual even though he was the one who said that maybe we have to consider re-schedule the meeting due the rain hasn’t stopped in his place. For that reason, I was so confused, why he needs to reschedule when he drove in a car? Then two other guys who come from the same department, Ted and Dave. Well, they seem older than the rest of us but I don’t really care. A girl that sits beside me is Kathy, her perfume smells so strong ‘till maybe the 8 of us in this long table can smell it from corner to corner. The last is a kind of pampered girl named Anneth, she seems friendly but it’s too early to have an opinion.

“We need to pick the unit head to make the organization structure complete and strong, maybe anyone here would offer themselves or recommend others who qualified for this position?”

 You already know who stated that, obviously it comes from Vincent. I just keep my mouth shut and think, does he really do this to offer himself? I saw the other members were pointing at each other or simply do not want to lead this group as we know it will full of responsibilities.

“How about we do a vote? The result is fair enough and that’s an effective way for this selection” Ivan suggested with the rest of the members agreed. I really don’t want Vincent to win here, but the others also didn’t want to be the leader, there’s a big opportunity that they give their voices to Vincent because I think everyone here already catches his intention.

We started to vote, even though I don’t know them personally, I can do a quick screening that the older might the wisest so I vote for Dave, as he looks older than us. Many of them vote for Vincent as he really opens to that opportunity, and yeah he won the position. They shocked me again when they chose me as the secretary and Arthur as my partner. But I think that’s better than I have to be in Kathy's position to manage our budget during this program. I really don’t know whether Arthur is a good team or can nicely cooperate during our task later, he seems a little bit ignorant though.

“After we visit our homestay during the program, I hope we all can perform good teamwork so this program can run at the targeted time and achieve good feedback for us. But most importantly it can make a good impact for the society” I said this before we reach the conclusion that tomorrow we’ll attend the official counseling for this community service program. And they nod their head to show that they agree with my statement. We just end this meeting like this.

…………………………………………………..

It is our first day here, we have plenty of agenda like the reception and the official submission between the stakeholders here and the university. I sit beside my friend that comes from the same department as me, only a different group and homestay. During the speech, I feel uncomfortable in my stomach. I tried to hold on until the speaker finishes his speech but it’s so long and I can’t handle it anymore.

“Darla, I can’t hold it again, it is so hurt” I whispered to my friend, Darla. She looks panicky and tries to comfort me.

“Please wait for a second, I’m trying to find help for you” before she finished her sentences I’ve fallen and passed out. Oh shit, I’m trying so hard to not make any noise for so long, yet, now here I am. And it is because of me. In my subconscious, I cursed myself and hope nobody will remember me as the girl who passed out on the very first day here.

I woke up in a room full of green curtains, I guess this is a nearby clinic. There is my group friend waiting for me. “You alright? What do you feel right now?” Anneth said to me as I open my eyes”

“I think I’m feeling better than I was in the hall before. How many hours do I sleep?” I replied without any energy left.

“About an hour and a half, I guess. As soon as you faint, we take you directly to the clinic. The doctor said perhaps you feel extremely nervous due to these new places and your stomach acid builds up so you pass out when you can't take it anymore” Anneth explained what might happen to me. Clearly I feel horrible for the mess I made at the first day, and people who are bothered because of me.

“Thank you for accompanying me here and I am sorry for all the messed, you know I feel bad about it” at least I’m still able to say this for her kindness accompanying me here.

Anneth smiles as she says “please think about yourself first, Issa. We are here to help you if you need anything, we just don’t think it’s a big deal, but you have to get better, okay?”

 Anneth is a nice girl, I really think she’s a sincere one from this moment. She also tells me that Ted and Arthur were there to take me to the clinic, then Ivan who buy the food for me before I have to take the medicine. For a moment I really grateful that in this hard time, God surrounds me with kind and supportive people although can’t beat the feeling of how guilty I am for causing this mess. We decided to go to the homestay when the time shows 4 pm. I hope it is just for today, I hope tomorrow is a healthy me.

I really hope that.

……………………………

It’s been a week since the first day we are here. I thought I’m getting better but I am not though. I keep doing my task as much as I can. Until this weekend I decided to check to the bigger hospital to make sure what really happened to me. Honestly, I feel so bad that I have to keep my friend in this group busy because of me. Take me here and there, buy me various foods and fruits to make my appetite increase. I just don’t know what happen, why the hell I am this frail during this program and why should I get sick in this program? Why? I hate to think about it.

The doctor asked me for a blood test for a more accurate diagnosis. I reluctantly agreed because I was very afraid of needles, I felt like crying but of course, I was ashamed and kept my reputation in this crowd. I text my boyfriend, who is also currently undergoing this community service program. Saying that he shouldn’t feel worried because I will be fine here. Of course, that’s a lie. In fact, I really in pain now and scare. Arthur pushes my wheelchair towards the blood test room and the others are in the waiting room. I see Vincent trying to show his attention to me, but I knew he’s the one who insisted on sending me off the program because I was sick, well, it might be a hassle for him so he wants to get me out of here. I enter this room with Arthur, his eyes telling me it is gonna be fine but I really hate the needles.

“I’m sorry, but I really afraid to do everything with needles in it, can you please accompanying me while the doctor takes my blood?” I asked Arthur and hoping he wouldn’t reject it.

“Sure, you can hold my hand if it’s too hard for you to face alone. I don’t mind” he replied without any doubt. “But please, consider Vincent’s feeling, he seems to want to help but you implicitly always reject it” he whispers.

I was surprised for a moment before saying that I will not explicitly show it again.

“Did I show it too much?”

He smiled, “you did”

Before we continue this topic, the nurse entered the room and greet us.

“Good morning, please come closer, I will take your blood for a moment, it’s not that hurt but you can close your eyes if you afraid”

The lady says it like she already repeated it as a template for her entire career as a nurse here. Arthur pushed my wheelchair closer to the nurse, his eyes meet my eyes, and he notices the fear within me. He held out his hand to me, trying to calm me down. And I accept his helping hand, hold it so tight to disguise the needle prick in my skin. I remember I hold his hand so tight, really tight ‘till I can feel the warmth of his palm.

“Thank you so much,” I said to Arthur as I let go of our hands. The nurse has finished taking my blood and asked us to wait for the result later. Arthur takes me to the waiting room where the others wait for us. I see Kathy and Ted were having a little joke, Ted is a kind of a funny guy, he made jokes to lighten the mood. Anneth and Dave are starting to show interest in each other, are they gonna be a couple in this group though? And Ivan just sits there, listening to Kathy and Ted jokes. I don’t see Vincent around them. Ivan stood up to greet us.

“You've done the test? I hope you feel alright” Ivan bent down so that his gaze was level with me who was in this wheelchair.

“Issa, Vincent said you don’t have to worry about your program here. All your task was already backed up by others and they don’t have a problem with that” Kathy said to me. Ted looks a bit worried and he raises the blanket I'm wearing. “Yeah, don’t worry about anything” he added.

We waited patiently. From the bottom of my heart, I feel so restless for the result. Many questions trapped in my mind like, do I need to be hospitalized here? Or is it a serious enough ill? Why don’t it’s just a common fever though? Ah, clearly, I can’t think of any positive input during waiting. After an hour, the officer comes to us and says “the result is out now, please follow me to explain the results of the test. Maybe just two of you guys, Miss Issa, and someone who will guide the wheelchair.

“Let me accompanying her to the room and you guys can wait here” that’s Arthur's voice, he just being so nice when I sick. Even though yesterday I lost a bet with him and haven't made up for it. Maybe he'll charge it when I'm well again, this sly guy won't be able to let me go just like that. I turned my gaze towards Arthur, trying to look up to catch the expression on his face. He looks serious and calm, but his eyes stare at Ivan strangely. Indeed, Ivan is the one who looks worrier than them all but I thought it’s because we just a good friend and that’s normal to worrying your friend. After they let Arthur take me to the room, Arthur was behind me and push the wheelchair slowly.

“I’ve prepared for the worst, you know” I open the conversation

“No, you’re not” he replied quickly

I surprised by his response. What a jerk. But I smile and added, “can you be on my side a little bit? After recovering I will make up for my loss on our bet”.

However, he didn't respond to me, and instead, only the sound of his laughter sounded low.

“Miss Issa, based on the blood test that has been done, we see an indication of dengue fever in you. Your platelets have also started to decrease because of the effects of this illness, in the next few days they will keep decreasing because that is the phase”

Like being struck by lightning I heard the doctor's explanation. My legs went limp, my vision suddenly blurred. Damn, apparently because of this I suffered all week. I saw Arthur seems to freeze for a while, then I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder as if to brace myself. Even though I was busy cursing in my heart. I’m sure if he could hear me swearing inside, he will cancel his empathy for me.

“Please considering being hospitalized here, we really suggest that due there will be a critical phase that you will go through in the next days,” the doctor said again and look me in my eyes, as he does not suggest it but ordered it. There is a long pause before anyone dares to speak.

“Do you know how long it will take for her to stay here? I mean, until she gets better, - at least?” Arthur asked the doctor, he sounds a little stammered. I still don’t know what to say though.

“At least a week of being treated here was enough to make her feel better than today” the doctor replied Arthur’s question without any doubt. “But we need your confirmation, Miss. Do you agree with this?”

I take a deep breath. Do I really need to decide while it is obvious that I have to stay in this hospital for the next seven days? I look at Arthur and stare at his brown eyes, “I will stay here ‘till I get better. My friends can go home and rest because there’s a nurse here who can watch an eye for me”

“Aright, we’ll prepare the room right away. Please fill this form first” he hands me the papers”.

He left for a moment and it’s just Arthur and me. “You sure about this?” he asked me. I nod as an answer. Arthur checks his phone and types something for someone. Maybe informing my condition to the others through our group chat?

So it has been decided, tonight I’ll stay here.

…………………..

On my third day here, being hospitalized until my platelets increase again. I’ve said to my friends that they don’t have to come every day, I knew they have a lot of things to do in this community service program and I don’t want to bother them. I also know that there is a small conflict between them. About who to come every day to visit me, some of them were probably tired from having to go back and forth to the hospital to keep me company. I'm a little sad. Because I feel useless and inconvenient. But of course, I never wanted to get sick here, this happened so suddenly and it was fate. I also realized that my choice was to be treated here so that my friends could work in peace because there was already a nurse who would take care of me in this hospital. This morning is Ivan’s turn to visit me, he brought guava juice and other snacks for me. He said consuming a lot of food will help me get better quickly. His statement is like what parents say in general to their children, isn’t it?

“Thank you, Ivan. You don’t have to come every day though. I am all good now” I said while reaching for the juice he handed me. Ivan seems to disagree, “it is my will to keep you company here, don’t think about it, Issa” I’m sure he will respond that way.

“Arthur will come this afternoon until evening and Ted and Dave will be on guard for the night. I hope you okay with that”

I was silent, trying to digest the information from Ivan just now. Apparently, the problem was the girls, none of them came. But I'm not too bothered by it. “Yeah, that’s okay. I hope you guys are okay too”

“We are. Don’t worry” Ivan smiled. “I heard your platelet count is still going down, right? It’s still in a critical phase, you could even say it's not. When you're really in a critical phase, your platelets will drop drastically”

Ivan sat in the visitor's chair, staring at my face which I believe now looks very shabby because it's been a few days since I haven't showered. This is probably my worst performance in front of the opposite sex in my entire life. Ah, I don't even care anymore. “They said something like this as well. I wonder on what days is the critical phase begins”.

“On the third and fourth day maybe?” I heard that one time.

“Wow, it should be today my critical phase started” I answered enthusiastically. Ivan laughs and said

“It’s funny to see how excited you are about your critical phase”

I sigh. It is not I am excited, but I just want to get over it soon. This damn ill, ruined my plans and made me famous throughout the village with the nickname of the girl who fainted and was hospitalized with dengue fever. It couldn’t be worse.

Ivan tells the update about our program here, and how this thing that happened to me make the supervisor of this program more attentive to the health of all participants in this community service program.

“Wanna eat shabu when you get better? Or after this program finished. What you say?” Ivan suddenly changes his topic with the surprising invitation.

Woah, I never knew Ivan will notice this desire inside of me who really like ‘all you can eat stuff. I remember all the meat, seafood, fresh vegetables, and most importantly is we can refill it for the next 90 minutes. I want that happiness, the menu served by the hospital is not good and it takes a lot of struggle for me to eat that.

“I just can’t wait for that. Still 20 more days until I can eat shabu” I pretended to put on a gloomy face to him. Ivan will smile again, I am so sure.

Ivan burst into a laugh hearing my response, he probably thinks that I can’t wait for it.

“You must taste the menu served here. That’s terrible I swear” I try to defend myself while Ivan still laughing.

“That’s normal when you sick all the foods feel tasteless, I promise we’ll go to eat shabu after we get out of here. Promise me you try your best to have a quick recovery, Issa?”

“Hmm, don’t you think I’m trying right now?”

Ivan took a deep breath, “I know you did. I just worry enough and want to cheer you up. But seeing you all excited with our plan eating shabu has calm me down that at least there is one thing you can look up to after we finished our task here” I don’t know why Ivan sounds serious, of course, one thing I really look up after this program ends is to gather with my boyfriend or come back to my comfort bedroom where I have my own personal water heater. Well, I have to boil the water for bathing here, so tired right.

“That’s so nice of you Ivan, I am grateful that in this suburb, I meet one friend like you, and also others who taking care of me during my hard times” I appreciate Ivan’s intention for he puts a thought about me in this situation. He’s a good friend, I knew it.

………………………

I am alone now. Staring at the ceiling, my mind wanders to every possibility that might happen during this program. I’m certainly thinking that my task probably almost done as my friend has volunteered to do it for me. Maybe I’ll just catch up on all the undone things, that's if they let me do it. Or they will ask me to sit, watch, and do not making any moves in order to make me feel better and better. Lucky me, my teamwork is very supportive, maybe more supportive than my friends in the group. Even until this day, the girls never showed up here. I don’t know what the problem is, am I the problem? That’s funny to think about it, yet, I am here trying my best to survive this goddamn disease. My phone is ringing, I reach that and see Arthur has sent me a chat.

I am on my way. Have you got any juice today?

I don’t know why I feel happy receiving his chat. I think for a while and reply to him.

I got one. Alright, see you at the hospital

I realized this is the worst appearance that I can give to my friend that will accompany me. Should I use some tint so I do not look so pale? How I wish I could take a bath though. So yeah maybe using tint is not a bad idea. I looked at my reflection in this tiny mirror, I look awful. The nurse didn’t help me to clean myself, they just provided me warm water, and how could I wipe my body with my hand being infused? Arthur will take a bit longer. Maybe I could change my shirts, even though my hair will not in its best smell. Arthur, that mysterious guy who lately –before I go to the hospital- likes to send me a chat at night. He sometimes talks about books that he and I read before, I thought he was surprised that I am the kind of girl who reads. That hurts me though. Or he’s just trying to suggest a good book that I might be interested in, asking me to show him my writing or stuff. It takes a gut to share my writing with strangers you barely met but he keeps telling me that’s okay and he won’t be judgmental for anything. I mostly like to express my feeling in a poem, I think that’s beautiful enough when the only one who knows the interpretation is only yourself and the others who read it will have their own interpretation about it. But my poem is way too personal, sometimes I worried it is too obvious so he can read the actual feeling of it. I like to let him wonder, I like to left him thinking that I am somehow unpredictable, that secretly I am more than what my appearance could tell. But that’s deep. Deep down until I doubt am I allowed him to see my other side? Even my boyfriend never had a chance to read my writing, I do make some about him. Expressing my feelings towards our relationship at that time. But I really know he’s not a fan of it. Reading and writing are not his cups of tea. And that’s why I started to keep it only for myself, or maybe publish it anonymously.

Arthur is like new fresh air, he radiates so well in my sight, we just clicked and frequency on the same line. He offers himself as a friend if I want to tell something, and sometimes he likes to tease me that Ivan is having a feeling for me and ask if I want to consider it. So funny. I just took it as a joke and laugh, Arthur knows I had a boyfriend, why the hell he asked it? I think I am a faithful type who never does anything bad behind my partner’s back. Yeah, that’s my thought lately before Arthur destroys it mercilessly, it makes me sound like big bullshit.  But this is far from today, we just never know that we will involve in this affair, Arthur, Ivan and me, and of course my boyfriend who didn’t know anything about these two guys. Well, little did I know, here’s the beginning of our complicated affair. Arthur will only last in my memory, even though we were as close as pulse in this very short time, but Arthur was never mine. Our paths just crossed for one time and apart from each other. If this isn't loved, then I don't know what it is. I've been here for 2 years and never a day has I forgotten it. Arthur. I keep saying his name in my head, yes, the sparks are gone. But this longing still real, it’s just faded but never goes away.