CHAPTER 9: TO LOVE HER NOT

Every time I look at her, I feel something that I can’t explain

Her smile that is touching my soul and melting my heart,

Making me breathe each day I live

Tell me what is this if this ain’t love?

Because every time my heart says ‘I love you

My mind interrupts and says ‘Love her not’

I looked at my notebook for a moment because I don’t know what else to write. I put my pen down beside it because there are a lot of thoughts inside my head about what I feel for Tania but my mind keeps on reminding me about the mission that I need to do. I know Tania is not part of it and I don’t want her to be involved in it. I am scared that she might not understand but I am still hopeful that someday when she knows. She will understand. I became hopeful when I met her but loving her is out of my plan. I hope when I finish this task of reconciliation, I will have my life back and I will start it with her. I know it would be hard for me but with her nothing is possible.

“Where are you going?” Michael asked who was already sitting at the chair asking me before I walked out of my door. I closed the door again and faced her.

“I will just meet Tania” We both said. She knows what my answer is because she knows what is inside of my head. My feelings and everything and it is unfair for me but I can’t do something about it. He is an archangel in disguise and it is obvious that he is higher than me.

“Come and sit here,” She said. I didn’t move and I just looked at her, because I know Tania is already waiting for me.

She pointed at me and she pointed at the chair. Means I need to sit down in front of her. I know she will remind me about Tania that we are not meant to be. It hurts but if it is God’s will. I have nothing to do with it but to accept it. I just want to enjoy her company because I am happy with her and she is making me brand new. She is reminding me that I am still breathing. That is why I need to continue living a normal life even though I am the angel of death. I sat at the chair in front of Michael and she closed the window by just pointing at it without standing to close it. I know she doesn’t want me to see Tania, because of her. Tania is destruction. I looked at her straight to her face trying to guess what she would say to me.

“Before the fall” She started while looking at me. She wants to make sure that I am listening.

“We have watchers…watchers are those who are assigned to look over to humans but they are not allowed to interrupt them. They are the ones who guard humans but lately, watchers started to feel lust for human women. They started to interrupt with them and fall in love with human women—” She paused and looked at me again and she looked away and continued,

“Everything follows. They teach humans to summon, they taught humans how to think, they teach a lot of things to humans that is God forbid… and that is the start of the fallen angels”

I took a deep breath because I already get what she is trying to say, which is to stay away from Tania but I can’t assure her that and I am sorry.

“I am afraid that you might fall in the hole because of ‘falling in love with her… flesh is the number one hindrance for you to go back from who you are,” She said and I looked away because I want to go back to who I am. I want to have the life that I had before but I didn’t expect that this is way too crucial than I expected.

“I am sorry… forget about her” She whispered and she was gone. The window opened again. I don’t know where she went but she suddenly left without saying goodbye to me.

I leaned back in my chair and looked at my dad. I am happy with Tania but I need to avoid her because of the possible things that can happen in the future and I need to hurry because my dad is slowly fading. I don’t want him to be stuck in a world full of emotions and needs. At first, I was not serious about the reconciliation but things got deeper when I saw her. I began to see the other side of the coin. The importance of life and the value of love. I saw Tania dressed up and waiting for me. Now I am confused about what to do because my plan to finish the task and get my money and my life back suddenly changed when I met Tania. I want to be with her and start my life with her but I need to avoid her as early as possible, in the name of my mission of reconciliation that makes everything complicated. I need to choose between my dad and Tania. I need to choose between love and the mission. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I wanted to rest my mind for a moment, from thinking about what is the best thing to do. When I suddenly heard a knock.

Knock!

Knock!

“Isaac” She called, which made me suddenly open my eyes and freeze because I don’t know if I will open the door or not.

Knock!

Knock!

“Isaac” She called again and waited for me to open the door because she knows that I am here.

I looked at my dad who was looking at me and asked him for some advice on what to do because I am in a dilemma now. He smiled at me and told me to open the door and be with the girl that I want. If she is making me happy and making me feel complete… why not? Tania is the one who subdued my anger towards Maria but I need to be careful. I need to control my feelings for her because the flesh is the number one bait for me to be trapped here on earth and I don’t want that to happen because I am thinking about my dad. I love him. I can still hear her knocking and calling my name. I smile because of my situation right now. Before I can decide in just a snap without considering other people’s situation but right now. I need to consider things before I make a decision.

“Isaac,” She called and I knew she would not stop until I opened the door. That’s what I do. I open the door and now I am smiling, staring at her. I am weak again because she is so irresistible.

“I am sorry, it took me longer to open the door,” I said while still staring at her. She is so beautiful in simple clothes. Only shorts and shirts and then slippers. No make-up or even nail polish.

“I know a good place where we can hang out,” She said and she was excited to see me. She held my hand and dragged me to the place that she knew.

It is beside the basketball court near our apartment. The other side of the basketball court goes to the chapel. I looked around and I was amazed to see mini tables and chairs. I saw maybe six food stands with different varieties of street foods. I saw a group of men playing basketball and bystanders. Children who are playing and couples who are having dates. They all look like they are having fun in a simple place like this, and it amazed me because I’ve never been to a place like this before.

“Come on, let’s check out all the food,” She said while holding my hand. It seems that she forgot to let my hand go when she dragged me to this place, but that’s okay I want to hold her soft and smooth hand.

I am not familiar with street foods but I know some of them. Such as fishball, siomai, cab corn, and cheese sticks. They all look delicious which makes my mouth water even though I am not familiar with some of them. I saw the other girl take a stick and use it to get long brown food in the pan with boiling oil and dip it in a brown sauce with chilli.

“Did you want kikiam? She asked me when she saw me looking at the girl eating the food called kikiam.

“Is that kikiam?” I asked and I saw her take the stick and get some kikiam in a frying pan, dip it in a sauce and give it to me.

“Thanks,” I said and ate the one piece of kikiam that she gave me. It is so delicious and I have never eaten this kind of food before and this is my first time in this kind of place too. I know for sure that I will enjoy the place and the food with her. This is like our first date. Our first simple date.

“You like it?” She asked with a smile.

“Yes, sure,” I said

We ate kikiam together but this time we put it in a plastic cup. We ate fish balls, cheese sticks, squid balls, chicken balls, kwek-kwek, a boiled quail egg coated with an orange thing which is I think made of flour and a food coloring and deep-fried with some other street foods. It is more delicious if it has a sauce. I ate tokneneng too. Tokneneng and kwek-kwek are almost the same. They are both orange and cooked in a deep fry. Only the size makes them different because the tokneneng is made of a chicken egg while the Kwek-Kwek is made of a quail egg. I used a barbecue stick to get my food from the plastic cup because they don’t have spoons and a fork here.

“Did you like it?” She asked and I nodded because I am still chewing the kwek-kwek that I ate.

“There’s a different kind of sauce,” She said and pointed me to the sauce that was aligned beside the stick holder in the food cart.

“There’s a sweet chilli sauce, sweet sauce, vinegar mixed with grated onions and cucumber in it,” She said while pointing all the sauce to me. That looks yummy too.

“And you know what is the best part of eating this kind of food?” She asked me and I shook my head because I didn’t know. This is my first time eating street foods in all my life.

“Is to eat while standing” She answered

“Yeah, I noticed that,” I said because there are a lot of vacant seats but nobody wants to sit.

“What do you want for drinks?” She asked but I didn’t answer because I was amazed by all the street foods that I ate.

“Choose in coconut juice, sago and gulaman juice or just a soda”

“I want sago and gulaman because I haven’t tasted that yet” I answered while chewing the fishball filled with sauce. 

She looked at me and asked with a smile, “Seriously?” I smiled at her even though I felt embarrassed and I nodded ‘yes’. She bought two sago and gulaman. The man put it in a plastic cup and she gave it to me. I tried to take a sip and feel the texture of the sago and the gulaman. Their colorful and yet tasteless texture is so soft on the tongue. I wonder what this one is made of? Our food costs P100.00 only for the two of us with two sago and gulaman juice included. It is enough to save two persons from hunger in a moment especially if the person is on a low budget. I don’t even get full because I don’t feel hungry. I enjoy the food, especially with Tania. This is one of my most unforgettable moments.

“I want to ask you something if you don’t mind,” She said and my heart beat fast because of what she said. I felt nervous about the question that she wanted to ask. I didn’t answer but I am waiting for her to ask me a question.

“Where are you before you rent in one of our apartments?” Her first question and the second is, “What did you do for a living?” I don’t know if I will answer her questions but I hope she is not thinking that I am a drug addict. Maybe she heard me talking to Michael or Simon or dad and she thought that I was talking to myself. Oh boy! That is the worst part of my life.

“Because I want to know more about you, aside from you’re mysterious,” She said and that makes me breathe freely.

“I am a former businessman. I was living in an exclusive village before shit things happened” I answer that I am not sure she needs to know about it, but she said she wants to know me more. So I answer her truthfully.

“Oh you’re a rich man, that is why you look elite, prim, and proper,” She said while looking at me and asked again.

“And what are those shit things that happened to you?”

I took a deep breath before answering her question because I am not sure again if she needs to know what happened. “My ex-wife cheated on me, stole my money, and left a debt under my name… that is why I lost everything… my car, my house, my valuable things, and my life” I answered.

“That is why you are innocent when it comes to street foods,” She said and I nodded. I am ashamed about it but that is the truth. I never ate street foods and this is my first time.

“Good thing that we got married in the United States. I divorced her after she cheated on me and then right after our divorce I found a debt that she made under my name” I continued.

“I am sorry to hear that,” She said with deep sympathy.

“No, that’s okay, it is not your fault,” I said while watching the children playing.

“That is why I am here to start my life again, start my life from nothing, only a scratch” I added. I looked at her and I saw her looking at me. The way she’s looking at me is like she is so sorry about what happened to me, and I know I make her sad by thinking what is the best thing that she can do to ease my pain and sadness. Nothing. Only her beside me is enough.

“How about you?” I asked her

“I want to be a nurse someday, that is why I took up nursing courses, but I stopped studying because we don’t have enough money. Maybe next year I will go back to school. I have this American dream. I want to work there as a nurse to help my parents, to give them a wealthy life because they are already getting old… so… I want them to enjoy life” She answered that it touched my heart. What a nice woman and a good daughter. She is the woman that I am looking for, not Maria or a woman like Maria. Once I took my life back. I assure myself that I will give her the best thing in life.

“Soon, I know, I can feel that you will be a nurse,” I told her, which made her smile.

“Thanks,” She said.

“And be my angel… please” She added and her voice echoed in my head when she told me that she wants me to be her angel. I want it too but I can’t. I start thinking about a piece of unsung lyrics for her while looking at her, busy eating her food. She is so beautiful inside and out, and I am lucky if she will be mine. 

My mind is lost again as you were standing here beside me,

The crowd is talking but I can’t hear their voices

Because the only thing that I can hear is the noises

From my heart and mind that is arguing and fighting…

Because my heart is telling me to fight my love for you

But my mind says that I need to surrender

Because the game is not yet starting…

But I am already losing

The thoughts that I suddenly made inside my head while I am staring at her. Watching the children playing with a smile. I am thinking of leaving her for a while to stop myself from being totally and madly in love with her and for her to concentrate on her life without me. I am thinking of stopping this madness before it’s too late while thinking of finishing what I need to do first and going back to her once I am done. I am not sure how long it would take and even I am not sure if she will still like me when I come back after I am gone. Let’s see what the future might bring. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I have to wait.

“I think we need to go home now,” She said and she looked at me and I changed the direction of my eyes. I don’t want her to see me staring at her.

“It is getting dark. I need to cook something for dinner for my parents,” She added. What a responsible and caring daughter? Every man could love her because she is easy to love and I guess hard to let go of.

“What do you want for dinner?” She asked but I didn’t answer because I can’t think of food right now. Especially since I don't feel any hunger anymore.

“Anything” I answered even though I don’t know what I want for dinner.

We walk home together and I keep her close to me. I don’t see Jopher around and I can’t feel any threat but still, I want her close to me just to make sure that she is safe. No addict would pull her away from me and we reached home.

“Thanks for your time, I enjoy my time with you,” She said while smiling at me and I smiled back at her.

“Me too, thanks for my new experience of eating Kwek-Kwek, fishballs, squid balls, and kikiam. Thank you for the sago and gulaman juice. They are all delicious” I said

“I have so much fun with you” I added and she nodded and smiled. She smiles not just at her lips but her eyes too.

“I think I will be gone for a week or two,” I said before she opened the door and got inside their house. She looked at me and I felt the instant sadness in her eyes even though she didn’t say a word when she heard me leaving.

“Where are you going?” She asked

“I need to fix some things”

“About your ex-wife?” I didn’t answer but I nodded even though it is not the reason why I need to leave her. The truth is, I need to find myself. The real me to get back to my real life but I promise to myself that I would come back for her.

“Okay,” She said and she took a deep breath.

“See you when you get home” She added and she suddenly hugged me and kissed me on the lips. It is a stolen kiss and I am not ready for another kiss but I like it. I mean I love it.

“It is not a goodbye kiss but a good luck kiss,” She said and I smiled at her and nodded. I watched her get inside before I got inside my apartment.

Leaving her for a week or two is a lie because I don’t know how long it would take for me to finish the task, and besides, I will not really leave her. I will be in an invisible mode. I will still watch her from afar know it would be hard but I know it is the right thing. The love that I felt for her is an inspiration and at the same time destruction. That is why I need time to figure it out. I hope when I come back. She still likes me because I want to start my life with her. I want to be married again and that is with her.