Chapter 1

“That’s it for today, I’m also reminding you about your research paper, deadline’s on Friday,” Professor Nee said and left the room. Binagsak ko ang ulo ko sa mahabang mesa, ninanamnam ang paglipat ng lamig ng mesa papunta sa mukha ko.

I was sleepless last night from making that stupid research paper. Mas mabuting maaga akong matapos kaysa magcram. I hate crammings, my mind turns blank when I’m exposed to any pressure.

 I’m a sophomore in College, pursuing Bachelor of Science in Medical Technology. Reason? I don’t know. I just thought that it’s a cool profession.

You earn money by studying small living creatures on someone’s body. It’s cool, right? Well, minus the idea of viewing it in someone’s blood, poop, or saliva. God! I can’t imagine studying someone’s poop or saliva. It's gross! I’m fine with blood though.

I always ace our oral exam when it comes to drawing blood from someone. It excites me when my classmates wince tuwing binabaon ko ang karayom sa mga ugat nila.

The way how they close their eyes and look away para hindi makita ang ginagawa ko sa mga braso nila… it’s satisfying.

I started closing my eyes, unti-unti nang dinadala ng antok. Just when I’m about to open the door to my dreamland, isang malamig na tubig ang sumalubong sa katawan ko. What the hell?

Nanggagalaiti kong nilingon ang lapastangang gumawa n’on. Grinning Liza welcomed my vision with her right hand still holding the pail.

Bitch. Kakalbuhin kitang enggrata ka!

Bago ko pa siya malapitan, she spoke. “You’re not allowed to sleep here in school. Dapat ay alam mo ‘yan dahil matalino ka, hindi ba?”

I clenched my fist, trying to control my anger. “I hope you also know that you have to respect someone when she’s sleeping,” I shot back

“Oops! Baka nga hindi mo alam ‘yon dahil hayop ka naman diba? You know, animals don’t really understand how human nature works,” I added, now with a smile etched on my face. Dumbass. Akala niya siguro uurungan ko siya.

Her grin starts slipping away. Pulang-pula ang mga mukha niyang sumugod sa’ kin. Before she could lay her dirty hands on my hair, isang malutong na sampal ang dumapo sa mukha niya. Nagsinghapan ang mga classmate kong naiwan sa loob. Lalong lumawak ang ngisi ko nang makitang may namumuong luha sa mga mata niya.

“That’s what you get for ruining my sleep.” Hinila ko ang mga gamit ko papalabas. Tinungo ko ang likod ng campus kung saan pwedeng pasikretong lumabas ang mga estudyante dahil sa malaking butas sa barbed wire. Konti lang ang nakakaalam sa sikretong lugar na’to. I unbuttoned my white blouse, revealing my black shirt underneath.

Tinungo ko ang bus stop. I decided to go home at doon na lamang ipagpatuloy ang naudlot kong tulog. Nang maka-akyat ng bus, isinandal ko ang sarili sa pinakalikod na upuan. I grabbed my phone and earphones too. Inayos ko ang earphones sa tainga ko saka pinindot ang play button.

My eyes wandered on the people passing by. Friends laughing together, a little girl holding both her mom and dad’s hand, lovers walking with their intertwined hands, mayroon ding mga nag-iisa but smiles are still plastered on their faces.

God really has His favorites huh?

I wonder what it feels like to have one of those?

Masaya ba?

You know, friends you can hang out with. A mom waiting for your arrival after school and a dad who works so hard just to provide for his family. See, I never had any of those. My mom died after giving birth to me. My dad? I don’t know where my dad is.

Nasa poder ako ng kapatid ni dad, kila Tita Ynna. Liza, the dumb girl I slapped earlier is my cousin. Yeah, I know. Maskin ako’y hindi rin makapaniwala na magkadugo kami ng tangang ‘yon. Bukod sa kanila, I don’t know anyone.

Hindi pa ako nakakatapak sa loob ng bahay when Tita Ynna welcomed me with a slap. Napangiwi ako sa sakit. I glared at her. Ano na naman ba ang kasalanan ko? Liza showed up behind her mom’s back. Hawak niya ang pisnging nasampal ko kanina. I scowled. Of course, ba’t ko nga ba hindi naisip ‘yon?

“How dare you hurt my daughter in front of everyone?!” Tita Ynna’s voice echoed.

 “She slapped me so hard mommy, dumugo ang bibig ko,” Liza spoke using her annoying ‘pabebe’ voice. Bitch.

“She started it! Natutulog ako nang bigla niya akong buhusan ng tubig!” I hissed.

Tumaas ang kilay ni Tita Ynna saka nilingon ang anak na nagulat sa sinabi ko. Looks like she skipped that part huh?

“I-I only did it because you were violating the school rule.”

“You could’ve just tap or shake my shoulder to wake me up, no need for a pail full of cold water to enter the scene,” I fired back.

“Aianna Nyx!” Tita Ynna was looking at me with full of anger.

“Hindi kita hinayaang manaliti rito para saktan ang anak ko, matuto kang rumespeto!”

I scoffed. She should say those words to her beloved daughter, not to me. If there’s someone who lacks manners here, it’s Liza, not me. My reaction fueled Tita Ynna’s rage.

“You know what? Kung ganyan lang din naman ang isusukli mo sa’ kin, then leave. I don’t need someone who’s ungrateful and rude in my house!” she exploded. She didn’t wait for my reply and quickly banged the door close.

Great. Now where am I supposed to go?

Begging would be the last thing I’ll do. Besides, staying there was hell. I have to endure Liza’s stupidity and Tita Ynna’s never-ending demand and rants. How am I supposed to be grateful to them kung kapalit naman ng pagtira ko sa kanila ay ang araw-araw na pang-aalipusta sa pagkatao ko?

I make money on my own. I feed myself with my own money, I buy things using my money. Pati pag-aaral ko’y ako rin ang sumusustento. How am I supposed to feel grateful when they’ve done nothing to me at all?

So no, I won’t beg. I’m so done with people. They’ll do you favor one time then expects you to serve them forever. Stupid, right?

I remember when I was on my high school days, someone tried to befriend me. I was so happy to the point na kahit anong gusto niyang gawin, ginagawa ko. I guess that’s just how much I long to have someone to talk to huh? I used to think that she enjoys my company just how much I enjoy hers. It turns out she’s only forced by her mom to get good grades.

Since then, I stopped accepting people in my life. I started doing things to make them not come near me. I started wearing this mask of a rebel girl, trying to hide my weak self. That way, no one can hurt me. I stopped myself from holding onto someone who will only drop me along the way.

Hulog na hulog na ako.

Enough with that shit.

I realized how wicked humans are. We’ll do everything just to get what we want. Kahit pa may masaktan, we don’t really care at all. So no, I refuse to have someone use me ever again. Besides, I can just live on my own. Kinaya ko noon, kakayanin ko rin ngayon.

Tuluyan ko nang tinahak ang daan papalabas ng village. Saan naman ako pupunta? I wonder if there’s some place where someone like me could stay.

Bahala na.

Malapit nang dumilim, I need a place where I can spend the rest of my night. Lakad ako nang lakad when I saw someone standing  on the railings of the bridge. He’s holding a bottle of alcohol on his right hand, samantalang nakahawak naman ang kaliwa sa bakal na sumusuporta sa tulay.

Kumunot ang noo ko. May namumuong ideya sa utak ko kung ano ang gagawin niya ngunit pinigilan ko iyon. Bro, that’s very coward. I don’t have time to meddle with someone’s business. If he wishes to die, I don’t care. Tinuloy ko ang paglalakad hanggang sa malapitan ko ang lalaki.

“Stupid dumbass,” bulong ko and continued my way. I stopped walking when I heard a loud noise from the water. Nilingon ko kung saan ko huling nakita ang lalaki at nakitang wala na ito roon.

Tangina.

I roamed my eyes around to see if there’s someone who also saw what happened. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko nang mapagtantong mag-isa ko lamang doon.

“Shit.”

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Should I let him die or save him? Geez.

Pagkatapos ng ilang segundong pagtatalo ng isipan at konsensya ko, I found myself running towards the rail.

Mabilis kong binagsak ang bag ko sa sahig saka tinalon ang tubig. Nilibot ko ang paningin ko, hinahanap ang bobong lalaking tumalon ng tulay. Nang makita, lumangoy ako patungo sa kanya. I held his hands, and he opened his eyes. When he saw me, mabilis siyang nagpumiglas.

Tangina, tinulungan na nga ayaw pa. Sinubukan kong hawakan ang kabilang kamay niya ngunit isang sipa ang kanyang iginawad. Napangiwi ako at tuluyan nang bumitaw. He held my shoulder and pushed me down. The pain from his kick plus the cold water made me weak.

My chest started to burn, as if begging me to reach the surface and breathe.

Sinubukan kong lumangoy pataas but my body could no longer hold it.

Tangina.

I know it’s impossible for someone to hear me, but…

Tulong.