After My Mother's Cure Killed Me

My spirit did not fade. Instead, I drifted toward the cheers rising from a seaside restaurant and saw my mother and my younger sister, Vivian Ashford, seated by the window.

A grilled steak, seafood salad, and two glasses of chilled blueberry juice sat on the table.

My mother held her knife and fork, but she made no move to cut the steak in front of her.

She looked at that frosted glass of blueberry juice, and something soft flickered across her eyes.

"Iris used to love this."

My mother murmured under her breath.

"When she isn't having one of her episodes or making trouble, she's actually a very bright girl.

"She had straight A’s and glowing recommendation letters for her college applications."

I drifted to her side, my eyes burning with tears.

"Mom..."

Vivian's voice was soft and sweet. She propped her chin on her hand and swung her legs back and forth.

"Mom, should we go help her? She really did look like she was in pain..."

"Leave her alone!" My mother's eyes hardened instantly, and her voice held no hesitation at all. "The psychologist told us long ago that this is textbook somatization disorder. She hurts herself deliberately to get attention!

"The more attention you give her, the worse she gets. We have to finish her desensitization treatment today.

"Once she's had enough sun and sees this doesn't work, the madness will clear up on its own!"

My mother gripped the knife and fork, her hands trembling uncontrollably.

Many years ago she wasn't like this.

If I so much as coughed on a winter night, she would run barefoot into my room, wrap me in her arms, and spoon warm cream of mushroom soup into my mouth.

And back then Vivian would hide her favorite caramel pudding and sneak it into my hand at night.

I drifted beside my mother, wanting to hold her, wanting to tell her I wasn't faking.

But my half-transparent fingers passed straight through her shoulder.

Across from her, Vivian set down her silver fork and bit her lower lip.

"Mom, I think she's still angry with us.

"The way she looked at me before was so frightening. Like she wanted me dead."

She lowered her head, and her eyes reddened right on cue.

"Honestly, if she'd just live like a normal person, I'd love to put on a swimsuit and go in the water with her.

"I even bought her sun-protective clothing in secret."

Those few sentences struck every one of my mother's rawest nerves.

The softness in her eyes vanished completely.

"I'm the one who spoiled her rotten!"

She set the knife and fork down hard.

"Wrapping herself up like some ghost who can't be seen in daylight, not talking to her classmates, never joining anything.

"And now she's learned to threaten me by playing dead!

"The psychologist is right. All it takes is being firm and making her face the sun, and she won't be able to keep the act up."

My mother drew a deep breath, as though talking herself into it.

"She's staying out there in the sun today. She has to.

"Once she discovers she isn't going to die, she'll stop making scenes."

I watched her in silence as tears streamed down my face.