Always Finding Mr Wrong

Always Finding Mr Wrong

By:  Raven P  Completed
Language: English
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My name is Emma. At 31, I am doing well for myself. I’ve got a great job. Or at least a well paid job, my boss loves me, and my girlfriends think I’m great. More important than anyone's opinion is that of my housemate, and best friend in the world, Scott. Scott thinks the world of me and always tells me to be myself. So why do I feel the need to lie outrageously on dates? From rock-climbing to Muay Thai: when it comes to prospective boyfriends, I am compelled to embellish my C.V. with unlikely porkies that alwaysbackfire - with hilarious results. I have Craig to blame for that - he really shattered my sense of self-confidence and self-worth. But then I turn the spotlight on Scott, and he wishes he'd never brought it up. With a penchant for checked shirts and Harry Potter-style specs, I decide he needs a makeover and to experience the abysmal dating world. My friendship with Scott began in the most unconventional way. His past life had made him homeless and isolated, but he saved me. And now we are inseparable. My dating disasters began when my relationship with he-who-must-not-be-named ended. Waking up with a pounding head, a dry mouth, aching limbs and a random arm draped over my waist, I struggle to get up and then stumble to the bathroom. I rubbed my eyes and stare at the hungover, half dead panda eyed loser staring back at me. What started out as a lighthearted challenge with Scott, became something more. We were prepared. But nothing could prepare us for the surprise results! Before long, I realise that our lives will never be the same again.

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80 Chapters
Chapter 1 - The Hangover
Chapter 1 - The Hangover Waking up with a pounding head, a dry mouth that has to be drier than a nun's downstairs, aching limbs and a random arm draped over my waist, I struggle to get up and then stumble to the bathroom. I rub my eyes and stare at the hungover, half dead panda-eyed loser staring back at me.How on earth is this my life? Who is that in my bed? Why can I not find Mr Right? Why do I always choose Mr Right-Now? Why am I always finding Mr Wrong? Surely I have dated them all - skinny boys, fat boys, still live with their mummy boys, sorry I can't stay boys and it's not you, it's me boys. When will I ever learn?And what is that damn smell? I quickly smell under my arm and then cup my hand and breathe into it, then smell. That smell would be me - holy shit. It's horrific, it's like something actually crawled into my mouth and died. How glamorous is my life?I’ve made it to the grand old age of 31 alive, a semi-decent job as a mortgage advisor, kept myself in reas
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Chapter 2 - Brunch
My head is pounding as I walk through my local area, it used to be a small area, however developers had thought that Kingswood was a desirable area and continued building new home after new home. I can’t complain too much. It’s become a self sufficient area, local shops, bars, restaurants, schools and even a health centre. What I care about now though is the lovely little cafe/restaurant that I’m heading to. The Village Green. They have a lovely breakfast and lunch menu. Just what I need, along with a drink to wash down some ibuprofen to ease this headache. I check my phone and see several messages from the girls. Laura, Ellie, Pavan and Katie are already there, having driven rather than walked. I don’t know how they dared, I must be at least three times over the legal drink drive limit still. Unless they didn’t put as much away as I did. There are messages from Heidi and Shelly saying they can’t make brunch, but let’s do drinks and takeaway tonight as they have to hear about my mo
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Chapter 3 - The Shoes that Ruined it All
Some might say that I don’t need another pair of heeled black shoes with a to-die-for heel. Particularly when, to the untrained eye, there are several similar pairs fighting for space under my bed. Others might point out that the success of a first date is never to do with the quality of footwear. That you’re just as likely to meet the love of your life in 99p flip-flops as in glorious sling-backs that cost . . . well, let’s not dwell on the cost. Let’s dwell instead on Rich, with whom I’m going on a date this evening. The gorgeous, intelligent, chisel-jawed, tight-arsed Rich. That way, you’ll understand about the shoes – and why, despite my strict rule that a first date will never result in sex, I have removed all trace of body hair so that my bikini area now resembles that of a French porn star. Just in case. The to-die-for shoes and enthusiastic depilation are but elements of a routine with which I’ve been a stranger to for the past eleven months.It was then that I was thrust b
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Chapter 4 - The End of the Old Em
*** CHAPTER TRIGGER WARNING *** “It was a disaster of epic proportions,” I declare. “I’m sure you’re exaggerating,” says Katie. “I’m not. By the end of the night, the look on his face was exactly the same as Daniel’s”The girls look at me blankly. “The accountant from before Christmas,” I add. “Which one was he again?” Pavan asks. “You know – the one who looked like a skinny Jason Mamoa.” Pavan shakes her head, still baffled. “The one whose nose I broke doing my “YMCA” routine,” I say reluctantly. “Ah. Well, The Village People always have had a lot to answer for.” Despite the quip, I can’t help noticing Pavan’s sympathetic look. It is a look with which I am tragically familiar. “Do you think you’re going to see him again?” She ventures. “Not unless he is run over, suffers a catastrophic head injury and he has a bout of amnesia and forgets what a moron he went out with.” “It can’t just have been the thing with the shoes, surely,” Katie says. “I mean, the thing with the shoes so
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Chapter 5 - Recovery and a New Start
* * * One Week Later * * * “Let me get your bags,” I say as Scott struggles to get out of the car. His leg is in pot and he’s struggling to use his crutches. “I’ll help,” Pavan says. “You really don’t need to do this, Miss Emma,” he says shyly.“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve considered you a friend for a long time and you also saved my life. It’s time for me to step up and be the friend you need. I should have done it sooner,” I tell him honestly.“I wouldn’t have accepted it before,” he replies truthfully.I know I’ll be eternally grateful and indebted to Scott for several lifetimes. Once Pavan leaves, I tell Scott I’m going for a shower. I spend what feels like hours sitting in the bath under the torrent of water as my tears escape. This is what I’ve resorted to since it happened, crying in the shower and letting the water wash my tears away. “Miss Emma, can we talk?” Scott says as he taps on the bathroom door.“I’ll just be a minute,” I tell him and turn off the shower
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Chapter 6 - Marketing Executive
* * * One Year Later * * * * * * Emma’s POV * * * A year after starting at Herman Brown and I’ve just finished a huge career changing presentation. Something I never thought I’d have achieved two years ago after he who must not be named almost ruined my life. I thought I’d never be happy again, but today I feel life is finally going in the right direction. “How do you think it went?” I’m buzzing with adrenalin after one of my most important presentations ever. “I can’t believe you have to ask,” replies Danielle, perching on my desk. “The panel couldn’t have been more convinced if we’d bent down and given each of them a deep throat blow job.”I suppress a giggle and skim through the notes I scribbled during the meeting. I’ve worked for weeks on this pitch but if we win the client – a massive sports brand firm – it’ll be worth it. “You weren’t thrown by the question about contacts in the China?” I fret. “What’s with the lack of self-belief, Emma?” says Danielle, stuffing her red ha
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Chapter 7 - Preparing to get back out there
My careers now on track, my life is moving forward and I’m order to stop Mark continuing to affect my life, I’ve decided it’s time to jump back on the dating wagon. But I haven’t practiced any self love since that night and my waistline shows it. My love-life will never get off the ground unless I endeavour to become thinner. Scott looks at me as if I am certifiably insane when I share this conclusion with him. I then explain that there is some logic behind the theory and I am not simply some Hello magazine-reading idiot who is obsessed with the size of her thighs, at which he points out that I love Hello magazine and spend more time contemplating the circumference of my legs than most people do inhaling oxygen. My argument is this: first, had I the bum of a seventeen-year-old gymnast champion and a washboard stomach that made Kate Hudson look like a pork-pie addict, I would radiate a level of self-assurance that would be irresistibly attractive. Secondly, were I possessed of such
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Chapter 8 - Project Scott
Do you know those apartments in Changing Rooms with elegant soft furnishings, hand-made decorative items and room schemes that showcase striking colours with clean lines? Well, our apartment is nothing like those. I’d like it to be. It’s just never worked out like that, despite my considerable efforts. When we moved in, fired up with creative zeal, I attempted in earnest to recreate such a look. Only, when I painted the hall a deep shade of mustard, it looked brown. So I painted over it with ‘Blush’ and that looked brown too. I followed with a ‘Corn’, a ‘Yellow Meadow’ and an ‘Olive’, but the most appealing shade I ever managed just looked like the unwashed shorts of a dirty Boy Scout. When Scott pointed out that the walls mightn’t withstand much more, I went for broke and painted it ‘Duck Egg’. Every time I walk in now, I feel as if I’m being committed to a prison cell. Still, we’ve learned to live with it. The other reason our apartment is some way off those in Changing Rooms is
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Chapter 9 - Bad Date
I’m so excited about Project Scott, I’m almost tempted to bring proceedings forward and rearrange my date with Jake tonight. But Dani’s out anyway, with a wealthy older man she’s been seeing recently, and Katie and her boyfriend Ryan have gone to the cinema. Besides, we couldn’t do it properly on a Friday night.Instead, we have the whole of tomorrow in which to hit the shops and begin Scott’s reinvention. Consequently, I have stuck to Plan A and arrived at the shabby-but-trendy bar where Jake and I arranged to meet. Judging by how sexy he looks when he walks in, it was the right decision.“Emma, how are you?” He smiles as he approaches me at the bar. Jake is a lecturer in Social Studies (whatever that means), so as well as having a bum I could keep under observation all day, he’s a chatty man too. He’s wearing fitted jeans, vintage trainers and a T-shirt showing off biceps that could have been inflated with a tyre pump. I’ve dressed in what could be the first thing to fall out of my
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Chapter 10 - God Bod Scott
Dani looks as if she’s bitten a rotten apple and washed it down with lighter fluid. “That’s very weird and creepy.”She, Katie and I have hit the shops with Scott to begin his makeover. “I mean it,” continues Dani, frenziedly rifling through a rail of sweaters. “One phone call from his mother would have been suspicious. You deserve a medal to have lasted as long as you did.”I shrug. “I definitely won’t be seeing him again, that’s for sure.”“It just seems so unfair,” sighs Katie.“But, it wasn’t just the thing with his mother,” I complain. “I couldn’t understand a bloody word he was saying. And that was when he was talking about the plays I’ve seen. When he got onto Roger Vitrac and Power to the Children he could have been speaking Cantonese.”“Oh hell,” says Katie, concerned. “Don’t worry, Emma. I’m sure you’ve just been unlucky.”This is what she says after all my dates, but I don’t point it out. Besides, unfettered optimism must come easily when you’ve got a love-life like Katie’s
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