XXXI
We entered the hotel arguing, with mutual reproaches. I demanded impossible proof from him that he had never been with Diya while she was with me. He, for his part, seemed to ask the same of me regarding Jack.
We were evenly matched, so we ended up in bed, staring into each other's eyes, repeating "swear to me no..." and then eating each other out.
Again those arms were wrapped around me. I was like floating after carrying all the tension with him.
And yet, that night I dreamed of my brother Ben. We were in the park, playing cowboys and Indians, laughing and then playing cards with some cousins from London.
I was happy then, but happiness is elusive.
XXXII I hurriedly searched for the keys, and sighed in relief that the car was driving away. 'Were you coming with Harlan?' reacted Diya, surprised. 'Yes, of course. It's better if he doesn't come in here. Or at least, I wanted to warn you first.' 'But why? I've already told you there's nothing going on between us.' My emotional brain was making me jealous, while reason was telling me that Diya was right. 'I didn't want to bring it without telling you first, in case you felt uncomfortable,' I lied. I didn't know if it sounded very convincing. As we drank coffee and watched MTV videos, I thought about how to say the right words. 'Well, we've got a problem,
XXXIIII couldn't help but break down in tears. 'Stop it, for fuck's sake, have you guys gone crazy?'I got in the middle of the two of them to try to separate them. Harlan wouldn't let go, and Jack looked focused, like he was gathering strength to punch him.'Let him go!' I insisted. Jack gained momentum and threw a punch, which hit him glancingly, but I got in the way and shouted again.'You're a bastard. You already hurt her once, you hear me?' Harlan accused the other as he stepped back, ready to walk away. I'd never seen him like that.If I'd been told Jack would get cocky, I'd have believed it more.'Did I? I don't know what nonsense you're talking, you deadbeat.'
I ANNA STARTS ANEW It is often said that misfortune and heartbreak make you stronger. I wish I could believe that. Having lost a brother might be a life lesson, but it was horrible when God decided Ben would pass away at the age of twenty-four. Just six years older than me, my beloved. And damn cancer killed him. Why? I don’t know. It was different with Monica, my ex-girlfriend. She never wanted to tell anyone we
II The quarter progressed and, as I'd expected, I was unable to get Jack out of my mind. We would greet each other laconically in the hallway of the house, keeping quiet at lunch. My conversations with both him and Beth were limited to household chores. Don't mix colors in the washing machine, turn off the light when it's daylight, don't let Roy overindulge in cho- colate and sweets. The literature professor had set a group assignment, so we met in the library. Most of the girls had little initiative. They obeyed everything proposed by Erika, an arrogant girl who thought she was always right. She was tall and posh, dressed in leather and after every word s
III My joy ended as soon as I returned home. 'But why are you coming so late?,' Beth, Jack's sister, chided me. Then I remembered that Erika, the one boasting to have seducted Jack, had mentioned her the day before. "'If it's just that they're two silly girls, it's normal for them to be such good friends", I thought. I tried not to answer back. That would have made things worse. Now no one could know that I liked girls too, but I was also afraid that they would find out about my kiss with Jack. 'Has the cat got your tongue?' 'I'm a little fed up with you, Beth.' 'What? Who do you think you are, you little girl?' I thought she was going to hit me, but
IV It wasn't until the following Monday that my mind reacted to the fact that Monica had been hiding things from me. Then I felt as angry with her as I did with Jack. How can you play with someone's feelings like that? They both knew perfectly well who I was, which was unclear even to myself. I felt emotionally naked and vulnerable. When I got out of class, I told Monica I wanted to go to the Museum of Natural Science. We went in, and I soon realized that what was on display there was beautiful, sad and disgusting at the same time. Stuffed animals. Big elephants and giraffes whose bones, skin and gaze had been paralyzed forever, immortalized on wood in such a way that
V The next few weeks were spent running from building to building at the university, eating snacks and fast food, overwhelmed by classwork, upcoming exams, and visits to professors' offices. There was hardly any excitement that Monica had taken me into her shared apart- ment. The other roommate was a computer geek who was almost always in her room, and Monica and I didn't even talk more than necessary, except for the common assignment. I lost track of time. It's amazing how one can perceive eternity in a single minute and get sucked into the routine for months. Before I knew it, it was already June. In Irish Literature exam I had to answer a question about Samuel Beckett. I
VI The summer passed like an exhalation in my life. If this was living, stringing together seasons, routines, loves and disappointments, then I wasn't going to be the one to make sense of it. Just as I was about to cancel my projects and move back to London, I was called to work for a consultancy. Against all odds, I was selected as a part-time administrative intern. A temporary job, but better than nothing. My boss, Mrs. Stern, was strict but fair in her demands. But one day I discovered that she was a distant aunt of Beth and Jack. I was still living with them and was being paid a small amount for tutoring Roy, so I had enough money to send home to my parents. Whether I wanted to or not, my w