Anna's Decision

It is often said that misfortune and heartbreak make you stronger. I wish I could believe that.

Having lost a brother might be a life lesson, but it was horrible when God decided Ben would pass away at the age of twenty-four. Just six years older than me, my beloved.

And damn cancer killed him. Why? I don’t know.

It was different with Monica, my ex-girlfriend. She never wanted to tell anyone we were dating. But someone had to do it. I told my parents and theirs after a big argument. And, of course, we split up. I can’t see the point of falling for a girl when she’s not ready for life.

Needless to say, I cried throughout the summer. All those double-checks without an answer, just as if we were machines and our batteries had faded. Tired of love and not willing to lose our stupid self-pride. And only not to recognise that you’re hiding your true feelings.

All this being the case, I decided to apply for an Erasmus scholarship in Dublin and, although I knew I’d miss my family, I haven’t regretted since I did.

The house where I used to serve was near Malahide Castle, and it took fifteen minutes to go from there to university, which was really a waste of time. But I had to seize any job offer, as I was almost penniless. I only came here because I was fleeing from myself.

Mr. Radcliffe, the owner, was a chubby man with a peculiar high-pitched voice. As soon as I arrived at his home, he introduced me to his little son Roy, and told me that I had to teach him math and Spanish. I was fairly fluent, as I had practised a lot with my cousin, you know.

The child was lovely, and much more was Jack, his handsome brother. He was twenty-two, but it’s true that I’ve always liked boys and girls older than me. Not that I’ve been with many, apart from Monica and a few more mistakes.

‘This is your room,’ Jack explained, in the role of the big boy of the house. ‘There’s central heating, but it is sometimes off’

‘Are you working?’, I changed the topic.

Jack smiled at me in a few that made my heart-rate increase. 

‘Yeah, I’m a hotel receptionist, but studied Engineering.’

The first day I met him, we were rambling about college, music and films. All under the jealous look of his sister Beth, who saw me as a threatening outsider. While Jack was having a shower, she came to me and blurted out:

‘What did you say your name was?’

‘Anna’

‘Okay, Anna. Look, don’t distract my brother, will you? He’s a very busy man’ I gazed at her face. She was pretty, but vain and rude.

‘But I am not…’

‘Well, we’ve had other guests here, and I know how it goes’

I hate it when people don’t let you explain yourself, but I simply shut up because I didn’t want more trouble. I spent the first week signing for different subjects, arranging papers, getting a passport and a monthly transport ticket.

Mr. Radcliffe said he was happy with the way I taught Roy. I thanked him and admitted the kid was very intelligent, but again Beth gave me the cold shoulder, as if I was just faking. However, she had to give up to evidence. I was doing a good job!

Once I’d finished setting there, Jack offered to give me a lift for me to see the city. We went to the Viking museum and had a great time there. We spent three hours seeing everything.

In Dublinia, you can dress up as a real viking, touch the remains of authentic ships dating from the 7th and 8th centuries and write your name in the Rhunic alphabet.

We had our photos taken together and couldn’t stop laughing. We looked so weird in those costumes with horns!

‘But don’t they say Vikings didn’t use to wear horns?’, I asked Jack.

 ‘No, probably not. It seems that horned helmets are an addition of  Scandinavian artists from the 19th century’.

I liked him because he was so cultivated. He would have an answer for every question, no matter the topic.

Another day, after he’d finished work, we went to the amusement park in Drogheda, another county. We rode in water slides and followed routes that imitated the life of pirates! 

With all these things I forgot about misery and sorrow, although I was aware that it was only a temporary escape. The following Monday, I started classes at Trinity College. I was so nervous!

In the campus, there were a lot of foreign students, mainly Chinese and Spanish. I couldn’t even start a conversation with them, because they seemed to already know each other and ignored me.

The good thing was that I chose a subject on Samuel Beckett, a playwright who wrote about the agony of being human. When the teacher told us about his works, it seemed to me as if the author could read my mind, even if he wasn’t alive.

Then I joined in funky dance lessons and attended a couple of talks by local scientists.

Anything I did was only to fill my time. When we started going through the syllabus, though, I was busier than ever. But I lost my concentration when Beth reached me again, just to shout at me: ‘I told you to stay away from my brother!’

My depressive thoughts came back. I couldn’t help thinking about Monica.

'We could have been blissful together,’ I said aloud when nobody could hear me. I spoke to myself, cried and laughed for no reason and often had nightmares about my deceased sibling.

I dreamt about being in class and finding out that the boy sitting next to me was my brother Ben, but when I looked at him, his face was covered in blood and he couldn’even blink an eye. I woke up shouting, which enraged Beth even more.

‘Are you crazy? You ought to learn respect! You’re only here because my father wants.’

I tried to explain things to her, but it didn’t work. “If only I’d stayed in London,” I thought.

Guilt was overwhelming me. I had a big quarrel with Jack, who unexpectedly took the side of his sister Beth. As a result,  our ongoing friendship threatened to fade. I looked for relief in theatre and books, of which Jack could tell a bit, despite also having a scientific mind.

So when the storm passed, we went to Phoenix Park and spoke about Shakespeare and Colleridge, about poetry and novels. Deer were roaming, and there was a sign warning visitors not to touch them.

‘Where did you learn all this? In high school?’

‘Nope, you know they only cover a bit of it. It was from my mother.’

I remembered Radcliffe had mentioned being widow, but hadn’t received any explanation.

‘Oh, I see. What happened to her?’

I could see him sulking, as I’d asked the wrong question.

‘Sorry, it isn’t my business. How silly I am’

‘It’s okay, Anna. She died from cancer. But what does it matter if you just want to gossip? You have no idea how it feels’

When saying this, it was apparent that he was seething with rage.

‘I have,’ I replied in a similar tone.

‘Yeah? How can this be?

‘That illness killed my brother too’

There was a kilometric silence. An uncomfortable one, I’d have presumed, had it not been for the was I felt when I looked him in the eye. It was like swimming in calm sea, while his wild nature was conveying the opposite.

‘I’m sorry,’ he finally said.

And then it happened. He caressed my temples, put away a blond strand of my hair and softly kissed my lips. It was magical. After tasting him, I knew I would want more and more.

He put my arms around my neck and we devoured each other, ignoring the passerbies, who would feel envy of two young people necking and touching mutually. However, after a few minutes, Monica came to my mind.

That stupid invader! She was worse than pirates and vikings, entering a land to conquer them without being allowed. ‘I need time. We should only be friends,’ I awkardly whispered, rejecting his further advances.