Chapter 4: Androphobia

[Trigger Warning: This chapter contains sexual assault, post-traumatic flashbacks, and mental health disorders; please read with caution.]

What is androphobia?

Androphobia is a phobia or an intense fear of men. Similar to the other phobias, symptoms may include intense fear, anxiety, or panic when seeing or thinking about men. The anxiety worsens as a man gets physically closer to you. An active avoidance of men or situations where you might encounter men can also indicate that you have a fear of men. The reactions to your fears can manifest physically—such as sweating, a rapid heartbeat, tightness in your chest, or trouble breathing. Nausea, dizziness, or fainting when in close contact with men may also occur in some patients suffering from this type of phobia.

In my previous life, the exact cause of this type of phobia was not yet well understood by the current studies around the globe. Some experts said that the possible causes include past negative experiences with men, but it can also be genetic or even learned behavior from people around the person suffering from the symptom.

In my case, my phobia started a long time ago in my previous life, when I was just 5 years old.

My aunt and uncle were always asked to look after me during the day while my parents were away and were busy working with their respective careers. My father was a mechanical engineer, while my mother was an elementary teacher.

Money was not the only reason why none of them decided to give up their careers just to take care of me—both of my parents love their work. I respected their decision and understood that they needed to ensure my future and help some of our relatives who were in need.

One day, my aunt left me with her husband to buy some groceries before my parents arrived. My uncle took me to the bathroom without my aunt knowing.

At that moment, I still didn't know what it meant to be sexually assaulted. I also don't understand the weird things he was doing at that very moment when we were alone in the bathroom. I felt uncomfortable with his actions, but he said nothing was wrong with them.

A few days later, my parents lulled me to sleep early because my aunt told them that I wasn't able to take my afternoon nap because I had been playing too much. They thought that I was already asleep when they left me alone. I snuck out of the room and went to the comfort room to pee.

Unfortunately, I accidentally wet my pajamas while using the bidet after peeing because my hands were too small and clumsy. I felt pathetic and uncomfortable because of the wet pants, so I went downstairs to look for my mom quietly and ask her for help looking for a new set of pajamas. I saw both of my parents in the living room cuddling happily while watching a romantic film that was not suitable for kids like me.

I was stunned and confused while watching from the stairs. The man in the film was vigorously touching the woman all over her naked body while kissing her intensely. His hand suddenly crawled down to the woman's privates, causing her to exhilarate and moan weirdly.

I faltered due to horror.

I felt like my confusion and fear grew stronger as the scene kept getting intense, sweeping me off my feet.

I suddenly broke into a cold sweat.

My head was turning numb.

My whole body was trembling.

My heart started to beat fast.

I'm getting nauseous, and my sight was getting darker and darker as I fell halfway through the stairs.

My parents were stunned upon hearing a loud thud. They jolted in surprise upon seeing me on the floor, dizzily looking at the screen of the television. My mother turned pale as she screamed in horror.

My head was hurting so bad; it was bleeding from the impact of the fall, and my whole body turned numb. I was slowly swallowed up by the darkness while looking at the frightened and worried faces of my parents as they ran to me in a hurry.

I remembered the things that my uncle did a few days ago. I finally understood what he was doing, though I still don't understand why he did it.

I remembered I was in pain at that time as he roughly touched my private part while pinching and playing the upper part using his big and thick fingers.

My whole body trembled due to an unknown sensation and the pain.

I was terrified, so I tried to struggle. However, my voice couldn't come out due to shock and confusion.

He suddenly tried to insert his ring finger as I screamed in pain, begging him to stop.

I cried hysterically while bursting into tears, "It hurts, uncle, please stop!"

He suddenly stopped upon hearing the wind chime of the main door, pretending nothing had happened while whispering, "What are you doing—why are you crying like an idiot—I was just cleaning you thoroughly—do you want it to stink like a skunk?"

He threw a threatening look at me as he slowly poured water on my head.

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I was unconscious for a week in the hospital. Miraculously, I didn't suffer from any blood clots in the brain and only suffered a concussion after I woke up due to the trauma.

One day, a male nurse was supposed to check my vitals. However, my heart started to become restless as he approached me. I tried to endure my discomfort since I didn't want to look like a brat in front of my mother. When the male nurse reached for my hand, trying to check if the needle of the drip was still properly inserted, I started to scream and cry. I pulled my hand perfunctorily while moving away from him in terror. The needle was accidentally pulled out. I bled terribly due to my sudden action. The man was horrified, but he still tried to calm me down despite the obvious nervousness on his face.

My mother was terrified upon seeing my bleeding hand, but she also tried to calm me down as I trembled and clung to her arms while screaming in fright.

A female nurse hurriedly approached us due to the commotion, and then the confused male nurse explained what happened.

They just did all the possible tests they needed to check for any abnormality in me. All the tests went normal despite my obvious negative reactions toward male doctors, nurses, and staff. I was then referred to a psychiatrist. My mother followed their instructions, and I underwent assessment.

After the assessment, I was diagnosed with an extreme fear of men.

My mother almost fainted upon hearing the news. She knew I wouldn't be able to live normally from that day on. She started to blame herself for the situation, and she started to blame herself for everything that had happened to me.

My parents thought that my excessive fear of men was due to what I saw them watching in an explicit part of the movie.

I never told my parents about my uncle's sexual assault out of fear of being accused of lying. Also, I couldn't get myself to talk about it with them since I knew that it would cause chaos in the family. However, since then, no man has ever come near me, including my father, so my mother decided to resign and take care of me on her own.

I only disclosed the issue to my private psychiatrist later on, when I was already able to go to the hospital alone. I pleaded with her not to inform my parents about it because I was so afraid of even seeing the man.

I have diligently undergone various therapies and medications just to lessen my burden, since it affects my life tremendously.

The treatment was somewhat effective, as I was excited to try holding my father's hand for the first time without knowing that the first day I could ever touch his hand would also be the last.

A huge turn of events happened when I was 14 years old. My father accompanied me to the therapy, and the doctor asked me to try holding my father's hand slowly. I followed the doctor's instructions and succeeded for the first time. My father was so happy that he cried so much while thanking God and the doctor. I also cried in happiness while caressing his hand.

After he brought me back home and announced the good news to my mom, he received a call from the office asking him to visit the office due to an emergency issue on a huge industrial machine they were currently maintaining. He hurriedly went to the office with a sorrowful look since he was technically on official vacation leave that day.

A few hours later, before dinner time, my mom's phone started to ring. She hurriedly answered while putting it on speaker mode so she could still continue cooking while speaking, but it was news about my father's death in an accident that occurred at work.

A fire broke out all of a sudden, so my father used a fire extinguisher to try to put it out. However, the fire extinguisher in his hand exploded, causing his death on the spot and injuring ten more employees near him.

My mother was shocked and dropped her phone before fainting. I panicked as I called the emergency hotline for help while bursting into tears.