AUDITION

I gasped loudly and opened my wet, stinky eyelids.

Same dream again.

Ever since I caught my ex-boyfriend in bed with my sister, I've been having recurring dreams like this that won't stop until I wake up with tears streaming down my face.

Being hurt by the people you love the most-that's another level of pain.

I should've known better.

It's just... I thought he would be different.

I thought I had found the one because he was on the bigger side, and he convinced me that he had the same insecurities about his body. He said he could relate to my emotions and struggles.

I thought we were bonding through shared vulnerability.

Turns out, I was just bait-always the bait-for the main prize.

And he had the audacity to do on my birthday.

Now, all I feel is foolish.

I wiped under my eyes, got up from the bed, then walked straight to my weight scale.

Seeing the numbers broke my heart.

"What, I gained more?!"

I snapped sadly as tears welled up in my eyes in frustration.

I looked at the table in the corner of my room, full of weight loss pills, appetite suppressants... and antidepressants.

My table looks like a damn local pharmacy.

"The drugs are not as effective as I was told. I was careful with my diet and workouts preparing for the audition. How on earth did I gain more? Could it be stress?"

I muttered, disappointed.

Suddenly, I felt a pain in my chest. I took deep breaths trying to calm my heart.

I need to step up and prove Jun wrong.

Not just Jun.

My family.....

I have been dealing with this since I was a child. I can't let this heartbreak ruin my dream of becoming an actress.

I sighed and walked into the bathroom.

I turned on the shower and got lost in thought concerning the audition. Passing this audition is going to be a big breakthrough for me.

Jun's voice came back.

"Just look at yourself in the mirror, Charlotte. No one wants to see all that fat on their screen."

I stared at myself in the mirror, my hands trembling as I touched my tummy folds and my underarm fat.

"I do hope they look beyond your appearance, Charlotte and consider your passion and your talent. Please, God, I can't lose this time, I will lose my mind ."

I closed my eyes as tears rolled down freely from them.

A few minutes later, I stepped out of the shower, towel wrapped around my chest, water dripping down my legs.

I dried my body and walked to my closet to pick my outfit.

A high-waisted baggy jeans and a simple top.

Putting on the high-waist jeans was a struggle.

I collapsed onto the edge of my bed and yanked the zipper up with both hands.

I exhaled, tried again.

"Come on, come on."

I bounced slightly, tugging at the waistband, shimmying my way in like I was wrestling a python.

Eventually, the zipper gave in.

I sighed in relief, took my comb and brushed my curls, then put them up in a big bun.

"I guess I am good to go."

I muttered checking myself out on the mirror.

My eyes went to the childhood sketches of myself which I taped on my wall.

I had pictured future me being slim and shapely like my mother, except for the skin complexion.

My glance shifted to another sketch of myself on the television-the brown crayon painted as my skin, and the black crayon used for my curls.

I smiled sadly.

"I hope your dream comes true, Charlotte."

Just then, my alarm rang on my phone, giving me a jump start.

"Shit! I can't get there late!"

I rushed to the kitchen and forced down a bowl of steamed veggies.

Then back to the room and popped two appetite suppressants.

Picked up my bag and rushed outside to get a cab

----------

The building was already packed when I arrived the location.

Girls in skirts, blouses, heels, and full faces of makeup.

I recognized some of them from social media-rising influencers, dancer girls, some theater kids who always booked minor roles in commercials.

Everyone looked so put together.

Meanwhile, I was sweating through my top and adjusting my waistband every two seconds.

I signed in, took my number-47-and sat in a corner of the waiting room, praying silently.

A few feet away, two girls were laughing,looking at me making sure I knew they were mocking me.

Then, guessing that I was a foreigner and couldn't understand, they started talking about me in Mandarin.

"She's so fat. And dark."

The first one said to her friend.

"She really thinks she can get a role, looking like that? She look funny."

Her friend replied and they laughed.

I sighed and said nothing, pretending I couldn't understand them.

Then, unexpectedly, someone slid into the empty seat beside me.

I stole a glance at her.

She was so beautiful.

She looked like she was tired of the noise, then she glanced at me and smiled.

"I like your curls," she said in lightly accented English.

I blinked.

"Oh-thanks."

"Don't mind those two," she added, nodding toward the whispering girls. "I apologize on their behalf."

I gave a small smile and tucked a curl behind my ear.

"It's okay. I actually understand them, I choose to ignore."

I replied in Mandarin.

Her eyes widened a bit.

"Oh? You speak Mandarin?"

"I'm half-Chinese," I said with a soft shrug. "My mom's from here. So... yeah."

She smiled and offered a handshake.

"I'm Lily, by the way. Trying out for the bakery girl role. The female lead role."

"Charlotte," I said. "Trying out for the same one, I think."

The two girls burst into laughter again.

"What's so funny! You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Lily yelled at them in Mandarin, then turned to me.

"You wanna exchange contacts? You seem cool."

I blinked, surprised, then nodded.

"Sure."

We scanned each other's WeChat codes.

"Number 47, please," a staff member called.

I stood up-legs shaking, heart racing.

"Good luck."

Lily said with a smile.

"Thanks, Lily."

I closed my eyes, said a short prayer before heading in.

As soon as I walked into the audition room, I felt so anxious that I could feel my legs shaking visibly.

Three judges were sitting behind a white desk. They all had scripts in front of them. One of them was an older man with graying hair. The second, a middle-aged woman and lastly a younger male judge.

Thw elderly man looked up and removed his glasses.

"You've got to be kidding me," he said, in Mandarin.

The woman next to him chuckled, covering her mouth.

"Is she lost?"

The younger man in the middle looked uncomfortable by my presence.

He shifted in his seat but said nothing.

I bowed and greeted them.

"Your name and age, please."

The lady asked.

I cleared my throat, trying to calm my nerves.

"Hi. I'm Charlotte Wang. Twenty-nine. Reading for the role of Cassandra."

They didn't respond. The woman whispered something to the elderly man.

"Whenever you're ready," the younger male judge finally said.

I took a breath and started. Unfortunately, before I could finish my monologue, the older judge raised his hand.

"Okay, that's enough."

I froze, mid-line, a bit confused by the interruption.

Could it be I am not good enough?

My heart raced.

"Your acting is not the problem," he said. "You're good. Surprisingly."

"Thanks....sir."

"But unfortunately, not for this role. This is a romance drama. Our female lead is supposed to be... petite. Soft. You know, desirable."

The female judge added.

She looked me up and down.

"You're... not what we're looking for."

My heart hit my rib cage like a bomb blast.

I nodded slowly, and pressed my lips into a thin line, trying not to cry.

The younger man spoke this time.

"You're talented. But casting you would be a risk to the project. Our audiences expect a certain look and you do not fit in. I'm sorry," he said. "You really are good."

I smiled bitterly.

"Thanks."

I wanted to say I can take any role but my mouth was too heavy to open.

I bowed again and walked out of the room, my feet heavy and my heart stuffed.

Lily stood up immediately and rushed to me.

"Charlotte that was fast!"

I forced a smile.

"How was it?"

I simply nodded.

My mouth will betray me if I open it.

Seeing that I was getting emotional, she decided not to ask questions.

"I will chat you, okay?"

She said softly.

I nodded and walked out of the hall, trying not to break down.

Why?

I worked hard, I practiced, I starved ,I prayed to God.

Why am I always unwanted?

Does God not consider me human too?

Why?