AUDITION

The building was already packed when I arrived.

Girls in skirts, blouses, heels, and full faces of makeup.

I recognized some of them from social media-rising influencers, dancer girls, some theater kids who always booked minor roles in commercials.

Everyone looked so put together.

Meanwhile, I was sweating through my top and adjusting my waistband every two seconds.

I signed in, took my number-47-and sat in a corner of the waiting room, praying silently.

A few feet away, two girls were laughing,looking at me making sure I knew they were mocking me.

Then, guessing that I was a foreigner and couldn't understand, they started talking about me in Mandarin.

"She's so fat. And dark."

The first one said to her friend.

"She really thinks she can get a role, looking like that? She look funny."

Her friend replied and they laughed.

I sighed and said nothing, pretending I couldn't understand them.

Then, unexpectedly, someone slid into the empty seat beside me.

I stole a glance at her.

She was so beautiful.

She looked like she was tired of the noise, then she glanced at me and smiled.

"I like your curls," she said in lightly accented English.

I blinked.

"Oh-thanks."

"Don't mind those two," she added, nodding toward the whispering girls. "I apologize on their behalf."

I gave a small smile and tucked a curl behind my ear.

"It's okay. I actually understand them, I choose to ignore."

I replied in Mandarin.

Her eyes widened a bit.

"Oh? You speak Mandarin?"

"I'm half-Chinese," I said with a soft shrug. "My mom's from here. So... yeah."

She smiled and offered a handshake.

"I'm Lily, by the way. Trying out for the bakery girl role. The female lead role."

"Charlotte," I said. "Trying out for the same one, I think."

The two girls burst into laughter again.

"What's so funny! You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Lily yelled at them in Mandarin, then turned to me.

"You wanna exchange contacts? You seem cool."

I blinked, surprised, then nodded.

"Sure."

We scanned each other's WeChat codes.

"Number 47, please," a staff member called.

I stood up-legs shaking, heart racing.

"Good luck."

Lily said with a smile.

"Thanks, Lily."

I closed my eyes, said a short prayer before heading in.

As soon as I walked into the audition room, I felt so anxious that I could feel my legs shaking visibly.

Three judges were sitting behind a white desk. They all had scripts in front of them. One of them was an older man with graying hair. The second, a middle-aged woman and lastly a younger male judge.

Thw elderly man looked up and removed his glasses.

"You've got to be kidding me," he said, in Mandarin.

The woman next to him chuckled, covering her mouth.

"Is she lost?"

The younger man in the middle looked uncomfortable by my presence.

He shifted in his seat but said nothing.

I bowed and greeted them.

"Your name and age, please."

The lady asked.

I cleared my throat, trying to calm my nerves.

"Hi. I'm Charlotte Wang. Twenty-nine. Reading for the role of Cassandra."

They didn't respond. The woman whispered something to the elderly man.

"Whenever you're ready," the younger male judge finally said.

I took a breath and started. Unfortunately, before I could finish my monologue, the older judge raised his hand.

"Okay, that's enough."

I froze, mid-line, a bit confused by the interruption.

Could it be I am not good enough?

My heart raced.

"Your acting is not the problem," he said. "You're good. Surprisingly."

"Thanks....sir."

"But unfortunately, not for this role. This is a romance drama. Our female lead is supposed to be... petite. Soft. You know, desirable."

The female judge added.

She looked me up and down.

"You're... not what we're looking for."

My heart hit my rib cage like a bomb blast.

I nodded slowly, and pressed my lips into a thin line, trying not to cry.

The younger man spoke this time.

"You're talented. But casting you would be a risk to the project. Our audiences expect a certain look and you do not fit in. I'm sorry," he said. "You really are good."

I smiled bitterly.

"Thanks."

I wanted to say I can take any role but my mouth was too heavy to open.

I bowed again and walked out of the room, my feet heavy and my heart stuffed.

Lily stood up immediately and rushed to me.

"Charlotte that was fast!"

I forced a smile.

"How was it?"

I simply nodded.

My mouth will betray me if I open it.

Seeing that I was getting emotional, she decided not to ask questions.

"I will chat you, okay?"

She said softly.

I nodded and walked out of the hall, trying not to break down.

Why?

I worked hard, I practiced, I starved ,I prayed to God.

Why am I always unwanted?

Does God not consider me human too?

Why?