Reddit is Life

“Wait. Where’s my phone?”

{On the vanity table. Password is 69420.}

I raised an eyebrow at the floating blue orb. “Your artificial intelligence is not blowing me away right now.”

{Why do you say that?}

“You kidnapped my soul, dropped me in a wolf movie, and forgot to give me the user manual. I’m staring at you with the power of a thousand disappointed mothers.”

{There was a minor error, okay? Complete tasks and you’ll unlock Elena’s memories bit by bit. Happy?}

“Hold up. Tasks? Plural? I thought I only had one job: fix the hot psychopath.”

{You have one main mission. The tasks are… side quests. Experience points. Whatever you kids call it these days.}

I was already grabbing the phone. A gorgeous rose-gold thing that probably cost more than my old life. I opened the app store and started typing.

{Is that… a Reddit account you’re making?}

“Yup.”

{Why.}

“Because I have questions, Roundy. Questions that only the hive mind of bored insomniacs can answer.”

{I am literally a super-intelligence bonded to your soul.}

“And yet you didn’t come with a search bar.” I angled the camera, snapped a quick mirror selfie (violet eyes, bed hair, silk nightgown slipping off one shoulder), and hit post:

New account – need villainess advice ASAP. Transmigrated into a bitchy noble lady who’s supposed to be hated by everyone. Tips to speedrun public enemy #1 without smiling? Serious answers only.

I added flair: “Villainess Support Group.”

Roundy pulsed like he was getting a migraine. {Talking to you is lowering my processing speed.}

“Relax, Glowstick. Reddit is about to carry us.” I scrolled the home page. “Ooh, someone already replied: ‘Greet no one, nitpick everything and smile at no one. Instant hate.’ Genius.”

{Your first task is live, by the way. Make sure your sister eats almost nothing while you inhale everything in sight. Bonus points if you snatch food from her plate.}

I froze, “You want me to food-bully a child?”

{She’s nineteen. And in the original story she stabs you forty-seven times.}

“Fair.” I stood up, rolled my shoulders like I was about to enter a boxing ring. “I’ve never told you this, Roundy, but ever since you floated into my life, the air has smelled like hope. And bacon.”

{Stop calling me names. And remember your character: cold, mean, zero warmth. You’re supposed to be the most hated woman in the kingdom.}

“Got it. No smiling, no talking, just chewing loudly and glaring. I was born for this role.”

{I have a bad feeling.}

“Trust your host, Roundy. I trust me.”

I threw open the bedroom doors like I owned the place (technically I did now) and followed the smell of fresh bread and roasted meat down a hallway that probably cost more than my country’s GDP.

Two maids curtsied so hard they almost face-planted.

“Lady Elena,” one squeaked, “this way to the guest dining hall.”

I didn’t answer. Just lifted my chin, narrowed my eyes, and swept past them like I was allergic to kindness.

Inside my head I was vibrating. Food. Real food. Not cup noodles. Not gas-station sushi. Actual food cooked by people who went to school for this.

Roundy whispered, {Remember: hated. Hated hated hated.}

Reddit and Roundy both said the same thing. I could do this.

I pushed open the double doors to the dining hall.

Long mahogany table. Sunlight pouring through stained-glass windows. Platters piled high with pancakes, sausages, fruits that probably had passports, and—

My stomach growled loud enough to echo.

At the far end sat a girl with silver hair and eyes like winter. She wore black everything, posture perfect, expression carved from ice.

Little sister. Future stabby McMurder.

She didn’t even glance up.

Perfect.

I marched straight to the seat across from her, pulled out the chair with enough scrape to make everyone flinch, and sat down like I was declaring war.

Then I reached for the nearest platter.

Game on.

Black-haired sister (Liora, name finally popped into my head) lifted one delicate hand toward the towering stack of pancakes.

I beat her to it.

Three fluffy pancakes, no plate, straight into my hands. One fold, one giant bite, two bites, gone. Syrup ran down my wrist like I’d murdered the bottle.

{Too fast! Too fast! Slow down, Master!}

“You said snatch food, Roundy. I’m snatching.”

Liora’s fork froze mid-air. She blinked once. Very slowly. Like a cat watching someone step on its tail.

She reached again.

I snatched four more. Folded them like greasy origami. Inhaled.

Again.

Again.

Again.

The platter was disappearing at the speed of light. Liora’s pale cheeks actually flushed pink. She slammed her fork down so hard the crystal trembled.

Then, in one smooth, feral motion, she dropped every shred of noble etiquette and used both hands to yank the last two pancakes onto her plate. She curled around them like a dragon guarding gold.

And she glared.

Full-on, blue-eyed, “I will bury you” glare.

Wait. I thought she was supposed to be emotionless?

Why was Mum at the head of the table staring at me like I was about to be murdered or crowned?

Liora’s mother (technically mine now) dabbed her eyes with a lace handkerchief. Her voice cracked. “To think I’d live to see the day my little Liora showed emotion on her face… it’s all thanks to you, my child.”

The entire dining hall went dead silent.

I had syrup on my chin and zero idea what was happening.

Roundy dinged like a toaster finishing its cycle.

{DING! Task complete. +50 memory fragments. +100 villain points. Whatever those are.}

I swallowed the bite I’d stolen while everyone was busy being dramatic. “Roundy. Be honest. Are you sure there’s only one psychopath in this movie?”

Mother started crying happy tears. “My girls… finally acting like sisters.”

I almost choked on air. This was sibling bonding?

Reddit did NOT prepare me for this.