Give me the chance to love you

Carlson Coleman's POV

After work today, I went to a bar. I didn’t feel like going home I couldn’t feel anything. I felt lost and empty. Enzo’s words were stuck in my head.

What do I do? How do I fix this?

“I warned you, but you didn’t listen. You’re Carlson Coleman, you always think you know everything. I told you that everything you were doing to him would come back and bite you in the ass,” Jeremy said. I had called him over because I needed advice, and I knew he was the best person for it, but right now I was regretting my choice.

“Are you going to help me or just sit there and make me feel worse?” I picked up my glass of scotch and drank it in one go. Then I refilled it and downed it again. Jeremy took the bottle from me.

“Drinking won’t solve the problem. But seriously, what were you thinking, kissing him like that? Talking to him like that? You don’t own him.” he reprimanded as if I don't know know.

“But he’s mine. He belongs to me. I love him.” I reached for the bottle, but Jeremy pushed my hand away.

“Does he know that? Does he know how much you love him?”

Of course he doesn’t know. All he knows is that I hate him, that I’m a bully, that I’m bad. And he’s not wrong. But I don’t hate him. I love him. I love him so fucking much.

“Carlson, this isn’t where you’re supposed to be. You should be at his father’s house, talking to him, not here, drinking yourself into a stupor.” Jeremy placed the bottle on the table. I didn’t reach for it, because he was right. I was supposed to be at Enzo’s father’s house, asking for forgiveness. So I stood up, staggering a little.

“I should go. I need to talk to Enzo,” I said, and Jeremy nodded.

“I’ll drive you. I’d rather you talk to him at his place than in a hospital.” I grabbed my car keys from the table, but he took them and held onto me.

The fresh air was what I needed. It didn’t clear my vision, but it cleared my head. Jeremy brought the car around, and I got in. Throughout the drive to Enzo’s dad’s house, I kept wondering what should I say to make him forgive me? How do I say it and sound sincere? But I didn’t get much time to think, Jeremy had already pulled up in front of the house. How did we get here so fast, now I'm nervous. My hands were shaking, it's a cold morning but there was sweat on my forehead.

“You’ve got this. Go let him know that you love him,” he said, and I nodded. I had no clue what to say, but I got out of the car anyway. My legs carried me to the door. I rang the bell and waited.

No one answered.

I turned to Jeremy, who was still waiting. He urged me to ring it again. So I did. I kept ringing until I finally heard the door open, and there he was. Enzo. He looked sleepy. His hair was a mess. He looked so cute, seeing him made my throat dry and my brain foggy.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. The coldness in his voice dried out my throat and made my palms clammy. I turned to Jeremy but he was gone. That bastard left me here alone.

“Can we please talk?” I asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Carlson. It’s late. You should go home,” he said and tried to shut the door, but I pushed it open and walked in before shutting it behind me. I wasn’t leaving without talking to him.

“Are you drunk?” he asked.

“Maybe a little…”

“How little is that?” he pressed, but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t remember.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. Three in the morning. He can’t possibly send me away this late... right?

He sighed and looked at me, breathing in and out slowly. Then he said, “You have five minutes. Start talking. I need to go back to sleep.”

“Okay…" I didn't know what to say but I had to say something because that's why I was here so I started "I want to apologize for what I said yesterday. It came out wrong. But I won’t apologize for kissing you, Enzo. I know how that sounds, but hear me out. For years, I bullied you and made your life hell, not because I hated you, but because I envied you. You had everything figured out. You knew who you were, and you owned it. Me? I didn’t know anything. All I knew was how you made me feel, how my heart would race whenever I saw you, how jealous I’d get when other guys tried to approach you. I’ve always loved you, Enzo. I just didn’t know how to show it…”

“So you resorted to bullying? Do you hear yourself right now? You’re not making any sense. Who bullies the person they claim to like?” he asked.

“I was stupid, Enzo. I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking, I just acted. And maybe that’s all I ever do: act without thinking. And now I’ve pushed you away.”

I was dizzy, but I couldn’t lose this chance. I had to suck it up and fix this.

“But you’ve always said you were straight. You outed me, Carlson. You made me a laughingstock at school. And now this?”

He moved to the living room and sat down. I followed him but went down on my knees instead. I took his hands in mine and kissed them.

“I was stupid, but I’ve changed, Enzo. Let me make it up to you. Let me love you,” I said.

“I don’t know, Carlson… What if one day you suddenly change your mind? What if you realize this was all just a phase, and you’re not really gay? Are you even gay?” he asked.

“I am. I’m fully gay. I’ve never loved any of the girls I’ve been with. I know that sounds awful, but it was just me trying to prove something to myself. I’ve cleared things up with them, I promise.” I kissed his hands again. “Please, Enzo. Give me a chance to love you.”

“Carlson… Can I think about it? I don’t want to jump into something I might regret.”

“Sure. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

But please, don’t take too long, I can't stay away from him for long any longer.

“How are you getting back?” he asked suddenly.

“I’ll call an Uber.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Just spend the night here. Dad’s not around, so the house is kind of lonely.” He stood up, pulled me to my feet, and led me to his room. I’d never been in his room before. There were photos of him and his mom on the wall. Seeing her face filled me with guilt. I remembered how she’d look every time she picked him up after I’d bullied him.

“You should take a bath,” he said, handing me a towel. “My clothes won’t fit you. You’re clearly taller and more built than I am, but I’m sure my shorts will fit.”

“Sure.” I took the shorts and towel to the bathroom and had a quick shower. When I came out, I was wearing only the shorts. Enzo looked at me, gulped, then quickly looked away. He handed me a pillow and duvet and told me to sleep on the floor, but I hadn’t come all this way just to end up on the floor.

“It’s a cold morning, Enzo. Plus, I’m shirtless. Do you really want me to sleep on the floor? What if I catch a cold?” I asked.

He gave me a bored look and shook his head. “I’m sleepy. I don’t have time to argue with you. Just get on the bed.”

I climbed on the bed quickly before he could change his mind.

I pulled him close by the waist. “Carlson…” he whispered.

“Just let me hold you like this. It’s been a long day. I know you’re still thinking, so I’m not going to do anything. I just want to cuddle you to sleep.” I kissed his hair.

“Okay,” he mumbled.