Chapter 56: Padraig's Last Lesson

We did not go down the road. We went down the mountain on the north side, through the birch wood and along a stream that came down off the shoulder of the hill, and we came into the valley in the dark about a mile above the Council's camp.

There was a shepherd's hut in a fold of the hill with a roof and three walls and a hearth, and we got into it and Oisin got the door shut and I sat down on the floor and put my head back against the stone.

"The river gate is two miles down the valley," Oisin said. "It comes out under the wall by the old mill. I have been through it twice and it is not guarded and it is not locked. But it is a tunnel and it is low and the water is up to your knees."

"We go at midnight," Ronan said.

"We go at midnight," Oisin said, "and I go with you as far as the gate and then I go back to the boat, because I have a face that half the harbour taverns on this coast know and I will not get through a town of Council wolves without being recognised."

"Then we go in without you."

"You go in without me." Oisin looked at us. "And when you are in, you go to the old mill and you wait. There is a woman there who keeps the mill and she is a friend of mine and she will hide you until morning."

Padraig had not said anything.

He was sitting on the floor by the cold hearth with his stick across his knees and his bag beside him, and he had his head down.

"Padraig," I said. "Are you all right?"

"No," he said. "I am not."

I got up and went over to him.

"What is it?"

He lifted his head.

"I have been walking up a mountain behind you all day," he said, "and I have been trying to find the words and I have not found them. So I am going to say it badly and you are going to have to hear it badly."

I sat down on the floor in front of him.

"Say it."

"I did the suppression on you," he said. "You know that. I wrote it in my ledger and I told you in the sickroom and I have said it out loud twice. But I have not told you what it was."

"It was a cup of bitter tea in a cottage up a glen."

"It was a cup of bitter tea and a mark on your skin and a night of watching." He looked at me with his watery blue eyes. "You were six years old. Your mother brought you to my cottage at midnight and she had been walking for two days with you on her back because she did not dare take the road. You were asleep when she came in and she put you in my chair by the fire and she told me what she wanted, and I told her no. I told her it was a wicked thing to do to a child and I would not do it."

"But you did it."

"I did it because she told me why." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "She told me that the Council had found out what she was and had come for her twice, and that the second time they had come with a binder and a paper and a mark, and that she had run with you in her arms through the snow and had hidden in a byre for three days. And she told me that if they found you they would not kill you. They would take you to the northern seat and they would put you in a room and they would breed you with a wolf of their choosing and they would do it again with your children and your children's children, and there would be no end to it as long as the founder's blood ran in your veins." He was quiet for a moment. "So I did it. I made the tea and I woke you up and I gave it to you and I held your head while you drank it. And then I put my hand on your chest and I said the words and I felt the wolf in you go to sleep."

I sat on the floor of the shepherd's hut and looked at him.

"You felt it go to sleep," I said.

"I felt it go to sleep. It fought. It was a small wolf and it was strong and it fought me for a long time." He wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand. "And when it was done you sat in my chair and you looked at me and you said, why is it quiet, and I said, because you are tired, and you said, no, why is it quiet inside. And I did not have an answer for you. I have not had an answer for you for twenty two years."

The hut was very quiet.

"Padraig," I said.

"I am not finished." He sat up straight. "I have carried this for twenty two years and I have been a coward about it and I am going to say the rest of it now because tomorrow we go into the northern seat and I do not know what happens in there. The suppression is old. It is twenty two years old and it has never been renewed and it has been wearing thin for a long time. That is why you have never shifted. That is why you have an empty room where the wolf should be. But it is not empty. It has never been empty. It is a wolf that has been asleep for twenty two years and it is waking up and it is going to wake up all at once and I do not know what that will do to you."

I sat there with my hands in my lap.

"I have felt it," I said. "In the cave. On the beach in the fire."

"I know. I saw your eyes." Padraig took my hand. "When it comes, do not fight it. That is the last lesson I have for you and it is the only one that matters. A wolf that is fought goes wild. A wolf that is let out comes back. When it comes, sit down and let it come and do not try to hold the door."

I looked at his old hand on mine.

"Right then," I said. "Let it come."

Outside, in the dark, a wolf howled, and then another, and then a whole pack of them, and Oisin was at the door with his knife in his hand.

"Up," he said. "Up now. They have found the hut."

We got out through the back of the hut and up the fold of the hill with the howling coming closer, and I had the box in my pack and Ronan had my hand and Padraig was behind me with his stick.

And then the door of the hut came in with a crack and there were wolves in the doorway and they were coming after us.