Chapter Twenty: Guilt

I pushed the door open and shut it quickly behind me, my heart hammering a rhythm against my ribs that I couldn't slow down. I had told Eilis to let me see Mirabel alone and I was glad he agreed. How could she even be here when I received her letter this morning?

I didn't even look toward the bed before I saw her.

Mirabel was standing by the window, her hands knotted together in the fabric of her cloak. She looked exhausted, the fine silk of her traveling hood pushed back to reveal hair that was tangled from the wind.

She turned when the latch clicked. Her eyes went wide, tracking me as I moved into the center of the light. She just stared at the heavy silk of my dress, the gold weight of the necklaces, and the thick layer of makeup that masked my skin.

"Raven," she whispered.

I didn't move toward her. I stayed near the door, my hand still resting on the wood. "What are you doing here, Mirabel? How did you even get past the gates?"

She didn't answer the question. She stepped forward, her gaze fixed on my face with a kind of horrified fascination.

"You’re actually doing it. I thought... I thought surely once you got here, you’d find a way to tell them. Or you’d run. I didn't think I’d find you dressed like this."

"I didn't have much of a choice," I said, my voice coming out flat. 

Mirabel watched me. "I’ve been sitting in that house for weeks. Every time Father walked past your room, he looked at the door like it was a tomb he’d already sealed. He doesn't talk about you. No one does."

"Because I don't exist anymore," I said, not looking at her, why was she acting like she cared? "To the South, the Princess is here. To the North, I’m a bride. Raven died the moment that carriage pulled away from the library."

"But you aren't dead," she said, her voice rising slightly. "You're sitting here in a palace full of wolves. Do they know? Raven, tell me, do they know what you are?"

This was the question I’d been dreading. If I told her the truth, even that Eilís knew and we were both pretending I was handing her a weapon. 

Mirabel wasn't cruel like Danica, but she was a survivor. If she got caught, would she use that information to buy her way home? Or would she accidentally let it slip because she couldn't keep a secret to save her life?

"It doesn't matter," I managed to say.

"It matters more than anything!" Mirabel stepped closer, her eyes searching mine. "If they find out you've mocked their King, they won't just kill you, they'll come for us. Father is already paranoid. He’s been reinforcing the border walls."

Good for him then, no wonder he sent the threat.

"Then you should be back behind those walls," I snapped, turning to face her. "You shouldn't be here, Mirabel. If someone sees you, if they see us together and realize how much we look alike, it’s over. They’ll realize I’m the replacement."

Mirabel’s gaze shifted then, she wasn't looking at my eyes anymore. She was looking at the side of my neck, where the collar of the dress had dipped low. Her breath hitched.

"Is that..." She reached out a hand but pulled it back before she touched me. "The bite. He claimed you?"

I instinctively pulled the collar up, but it was too late. "He did what he had to do to keep people quiet," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

"He bit you," she whispered, her face turning even paler. "Like an animal. Like a trophy. Raven, how can you stand it? Being touched by him, being marked like that? Does he... does he treat you like a person, or just a thing he owns?"

I looked at the floor. How could I explain Eilís? How could I tell her that the "beast" was the only person who had actually looked at me—the real me—and decided I was worth keeping alive? How could I tell her that I felt safer with the man who bit me than I ever did in the house where she had watched me be sold?

"He's the Prince," I said, dodging the question. "He does what is expected of him."

"You're defending him," she noted, her voice full of disbelief. "You're actually going ahead with this. What if people start suspecting when you don't get pregnant? The prince knows you're male right, there's no way he wouldn't know. You're going to live the rest of your life as a lie,.”

"I don't have a choice, Mirabel! How many times do I have to say it?" I finally stepped toward her, my anger bubbling up through the fear. "You got to stay. You got to keep your name and your room and your life. I’m the one who has to wear these gowns. I’m the one who has to pretend to be you so our family doesn't get slaughtered. So don't you dare come here and judge me for doing what I have to do to stay alive."

Mirabel flinched, her shoulders hunched. "I'm not judging you. I'm terrified for you. I thought if I came here, I could... I don't know. Help you? Find a way to get you out?"

"There is no out," I said, my voice dropping. "The moment that bite happened, I was tied to this place. If I leave now, the bond snaps. He’ll find me. Or his father’s scouts will.”

Mirabel reached out again, her fingers trembling as she stopped just inches from the jagged, healing skin on my neck. I didn't move, but I felt my jaw tighten.

"Is it true, then?" she whispered, her eyes searching the mark as if it were a map of my suffering. "What they say in the kitchens?”

I looked at her reflection in the glass. "They said a lot of things, Mirabel."

"They said he was a beast," she said, her voice dropping so low I could barely hear it. "They said he would... break you. That he wouldn't care if you lived through the night as long as he had his claim." 

She swallowed hard, her gaze flickering to the bed behind me and t

hen back to the bite. "Did he? Did he do those things to you?"