Chapter Twenty Four: Envy

EILÍS

I woke up with the weight of him still burning against my side. For a second, I didn't move, my heart hammering a frantic rhythm against my ribs.

The room was dim, the first grey light of dawn barely cutting through the curtains, but it was enough to see the disaster I’d created. 

Raven was still asleep, his breathing soft and even, completely oblivious to the fact that my body had spent the night betraying every promise I’d made him.

I looked down at the mess of the furs, my skin crawled with a sudden heat. The evidence of my restlessness was everywhere. 

I could feel the dampness on my own skin, the blunt, lingering pressure in my groin that told me exactly how I’d spent the hours of my unconsciousness.

Damn it. I’d told him I wouldn't hurt him. I’d told him I was in control. And yet, I had spent the night humping against his thigh like a common cur in heat.

I eased myself back, moving with an agonizing slowness so I wouldn't wake him. If he opened his eyes now and saw me like this—saw what I’d been doing while he trusted me—I’d never see anything but that paralyzing fear in his blue eyes again.

I stepped out of the bed, my feet hitting the cold stone. I felt sick. I grabbed the cloth from the washbasin and began to scrub at my skin, the water freezing, but I didn't care. 

I needed the scent off. I needed the feeling of him to stop humming in my marrow. I turned to the bed, frantically pulling at the furs, trying to smooth out the deep wrinkles and the disarray I’d caused.

"Still asleep," I muttered, my voice a ragged whisper. "Thank the gods."

I didn't wait. I grabbed my boots and tunic, fleeing the room before my own shame could choke me.

RAVEN

The latch clicked shut.

I opened my eyes and stared at the canopy, my heart thumping so hard I thought it would burst through my chest. 

The flush started at the base of my throat and raced upward, turning my face a deep, throbbing crimson.

I was burning.

I rolled onto my side, burying my face in the pillow he had just vacated. I had felt it all. Every shift, every low hum of satisfaction that had rumbled in his chest, and the way he had anchored his hand on my back to pull me closer until sleep carried me off.

I bit my lip, my eyes stinging. I had wanted the scent on me for the servants, but I hadn't expected the sheer weight of the guilt for the deception and the embarrassment that came with it.

I heard the heavy thud of the outer suite door opening—the maids bringing the morning water. I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling the furs up to my nose and tucking my head down as I groaned. I should be ashamed of myself.

The clink of the pitchers in the washroom stopped abruptly. I stayed frozen, listening to the sudden, heavy silence from the other room.

"Do you smell that?" One of the maids whispered.

"I do?" another breathed. I heard a small, stifled giggle.

"Hurry up," the first one hissed. “Just leave the linens and let's go."

They scurried around, the sound of the pitchers hitting the stone vanity sounding frantic. 

"They're going to flip," the younger one whispered as they retreated.

The door clicked shut, and I heard them practically running down the hall. My plan had worked, but I felt like my skin was on fire.

A while later I finally got out of bed to prepare for Calani’s arrival.

_____________________

I could feel my face burning as Calani helped me prepare for breakfast, murmuring a tune as she picked a dress. I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd done. Poor Eilis; he must be beating himself up right now, thinking he'd done something unforgivable again.

I slapped my forehead. Gods, I was pathetic. Why did I have to do it?

“Okay, what is wrong with you?” Calani stood behind me, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I flushed again.

“Nothing is wrong.”

“Then why can't you stop blushing?” She narrowed her eyes. My hands immediately went to my cheeks to cover them, and I flinched as Calani slapped them away.

“Don’t ruin the makeup. Why are you blushing? Did something happen between you and the prince?” She smirked.

I sat upright. “What did you hear?”

She shrugged. “Nothing, but you just confirmed something happened. If you're not ready to share, it's not a problem. I found my beau, too.”

“Nothing happened betw—wait, did you just say you found your beau too? As in someone you're together with? Is he a wolf?”

Calani just stared at me, looking unsure of how to answer. “He’s a palace attendant, and he's human.”

“Oh… well… congratulations.”

I should be happy for her, right? But as the words left my mouth, a strange ache settled in my chest.

Calani brightened. “Thank you! Wait till you meet him, you'll like him.” She entirely forgot about our earlier conversation and focused on primping me up, her movements light and easy.

I bit my lip. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but it was foreign. Why does my chest ache? Is this jealousy?

Was I jealous of Calani? No, that wouldn't be possible. I should just be happy for her. Happy that she’s actually finding a life here—finding love in a place full of predators. 

She didn't have to watch every word she said. She didn't have to calculate every move or wonder if a secret would get her killed. 

She was free to be herself, while I was trapped in a sapphire silk cage, pretending to be a woman, pretending to be a wife, and pretending that my heart wasn't breaking under the weight of it all.

I looked in the mirror, and for a moment, I didn't recognize the "Lady" staring back. I was just a ghost in a pretty dress, watching everyone else live.

A sharp pang of shame hit me, colder than the morning air.

How could I be so selfish? Calani had been my only light in this frozen hell. She had risked her life coming here with me, tying her fate to a lie that would see her executed alongside me if we were ever caught. 

She deserved every ounce of happiness she could find. She deserved a love that didn't require a mask or a blade hidden in a garter.

I felt like a monster for even letting that envy breathe. Here I was, begrudging my only friend a moment of peace just because my own life was a wreckage of secrets. I should be celebrating for her. I should be relieved that at least one of us wasn't drowning.

"That's wonderful, Calani. Truly," I said, my voice steadying as I forced the ache down deep. "You deserve to have someone. Especially here."

I reached out and squeezed her hand, my fingers trembling only slightly. 

I took a deep breath, now smoothing the sapphire silk of my skirts. 

“I think I'm ready for breakfast.”