Facing His Sins

Jonathan had no idea how long he had been sitting in the darkness with only a small patch of light from the lamp. Maria had come and had gone; even she wasn’t able to bring Jonathan out of his room, as he sat there his body shaking with silent sobs. His heart was heavy and so was his soul. While his heart was aching for the pain he had put Liza through, his conscience was ripping him apart one piece at a time as it replayed all those times when he had lied to Liza to spend some time with Stacy. He had always claimed that he loved Liza more than she loved him, because to him, she was like his life source, always giving him the strength to move forward. But now it seemed to him that the amount of love he had for Liza didn’t even hold a candle to the love Liza had for him. She had known about his sins and had still stayed by his side. She had hoped that he would come back for her, she had faith in their love, and she believed that their love would bring him back on the right path but when it came to Liza he had jumped to conclusions, assuming the worst. He had let Liza down and had given her the divorce papers at the first chance he got. ‘Had he not loved Liza enough? ‘He thought, the thought sending a prick through his heart.

Jonathan was experiencing a tide of emotions, so violent that it was impossible for him to survive through it. He wanted to give in so that he could be numb but he couldn’t because somewhere in the back of his mind there was a hope that maybe if he repented enough if he was punished enough if he begged enough Liza would forgive him. But who would determine his punishment? He knew that even death wasn’t painful enough in comparison to what Liza had gone through.

He was lost; he didn’t know what to do. So he simply got up, picked up the box of letters, and without bothering to change out of his rumpled clothes, he drove to the hospital. On reaching the hospital he went straight to the room where Liza lay. He was clueless about what to say to Alice and as much as he was ashamed of himself, he was also frightened of Alice. He remembered how his own twin had threatened to hunt him down if even a tear slipped from Liza’s eyes. He had promised to take care of her best friend and he had not only betrayed Liza but had also broken his promise to Alice. He had hurt Liza in the worst possible way. With a sigh he opened the door to the room, praying to his guardian angel that Alice was not there.

It seemed that even his guardian angel had abandoned him because sitting in front of him was Alice. She was stroking Liza’s hair as she lay there still and emotionless. It came crashing down on him that he was the one that was responsible for Liza’s accident. He quietly walked to the other side of Liza, extending his hand to caress her cheeks. “Don’t touch her” Alice said in a low and cold voice. “Please Alice, I really need to” replied Jonathan his voice weak and broken. Alice looked up, shocked at the defeated tone of her brother. She had never heard him sound so weak.

Her brother who was never seen in anything else other than his crisp and professional attire was now wearing crumpled clothes. His always well-combed hair was a mess, his skin looked deathly pale and he had bags under his eyes. It seemed like her brother had aged several years in few hours. She was angry at him no scratch that she was so furious that she could rip him right now for what he had done to Liza but even her anger wasn’t enough to keep her from going to his side and hugging him. She had never seen him look so defeated and so broken.

“What should I do Alice?” he questioned as Alice hugged him.

“I don’t know Jonathan, You hurt her too much. I don’t even know if she will ever forgive you and I don’t think she should. Not after what you have done. If I were in her position, I would have left you in a second but no that stupid girl had to stay for you. I told her countless times to let me knock some sense into you, to leave you but she stuck to her decision claiming that you had just lost your path that you will come back to her. You don’t deserve her Jonathan and you definitely don’t deserve to be loved by someone like her” Alice sobbed. Her voice was hoarse and tears were running down her cheeks continuously, soaking Jonathan’s shirt. “Please Alice, you know I can’t live without her. I am nothing without her, just a shell. She is my heart and she is my soul.” Jonathan said his voice cracking.

“Think about how you felt when you saw that photo of Liza hugging someone and then multiply it by 100, then you might get some idea how she felt every single day. Maybe then you might feel a 1% of pain of what she felt every day and even then you might not be able to understand the pain she went through.” Alice said, wiping her tears and regaining her composure. Jonathan’s expression turned to one of pain as he remembered how he felt when he had thought that Liza had cheated on him. Alice got up and after giving one last glance to Liza she left.

Jonathan sat there, his fingers stroking Liza’s hair and his mind pondering upon Alice’s words. He had seen Liza only once, hugging some man and he had felt jealousy and rage so intense that it could have blown up a whole city; he couldn’t even imagine what Liza had gone through. The question here was did he want to? Was he brave enough to face the mistakes he had made and the pain he had caused to Liza? Could he live with himself after knowing the extent of the damage he had caused to the woman he loved?