There is a theory that nothing in nature is ever lost__that every sound ever made, every word ever spoken, still exist somewhere in space and time and may one day be recalled.
So, probably, someday what she did will surely be known, and she'll suffer the consequences of her action.
She shouldn't have agreed to it. Khadija warned her against doing it. She knew it was wrong__yet, she agreed to it. Why? Because she can't loose him because of something that simple.
He's going to marry her right? So why deny him what he'll eventually get?
But yet, she couldn't bring herself to shake of the feeling of guilt.
She looked out of her dark window and shiver at the thought of her father getting to know what she did. She'll probably be a dead meat by then.
What she did was a mistake she won't repeat.
She wiped the lone tear that escaped her eyes and looked away. She had deceived her parents and went out with him. She had deceived them and did what she shouldn't have done. She's now a crying mess and can't control herself.
It was wrong! very wrong!!
She stood up, and felt her legs were still very weak. It was yesterday, she gave it up, and her body is still reminding her of the shameful deed she did.
She shouldn't have, the feelings of remorse were inevitable.
But then, she smiled at the memory of his smiling face, of his warm eyes showing his love to her, of his soothing words telling her how much she means to him. She's his world, and his wife in three months time. That alone washed down the guilt she was feeling.
She laid down on her bed and drew the quilt to her body. She couldn't sleep yesterday after doing it, she couldn't look at her parents today as she used to, she couldn't even go out___to her; everyone already knows what she did.
Her phone rang beside her and she thought of ignoring it but later on changed the odds.
Her heart leaped with joy but then fear gripped her. She stared at the caller ID before sitting up. Gathering the little courage she has left, she received the call.
"Baby" came his husky voice "thought you're already asleep."
"No" she replied slowly, her heart beat increasing "how do you fare?” Sounding lifeless.
"Fine. I miss you" he said so slowly she thought she didn't hear him right "I missed you so much. You didn't pick up my call throughout today, didn't reply my messages nor called me back. Is something wrong?"
Zeenah kept quiet, thinking of what to say, what the right answer to his question was.
"Nothing, I'm just scared." She replied.
"Scared? I don't understand. Scared of what? Me?"
"Yeah" she replied without hesitating "I'm paranoid and nonplussed; Will you call off the wedding now? Where you calling since morning to say you're not marrying me again? Are you regretting meeting me? I'm afraid to listen to the answers to those questions. I'm so scared right now Abubakar."
Abubakar was silent, registering what she just finished saying. Is that how low of him she thinks? She thinks he'll let her go after getting what he wants? Does she think he's like other men out there? Deceptive?
"I guess you're right" he stated, trying too hard to control his anger "maybe I'll do just that. If that's what you're thinking, then let it be so. Have a goodnight rest" and he hanged off on her.
Zeenah stared at the dead phone in her hand. Is this the beginning? She wondered.
Closing her eyes, she let the tears she was holding back flow down freely. She should have listened to Khadija.
Abubakar let out a harsh breath and tossed his phone angrily on his bed.
Zeenah’s skepticism on him is really cooking much on his psyche. He had never had it in mind to let her go___not now, not ever. She shouldn't have said those words to him, for he still loves her and loves her even more after what happened. Why can't she trust him?
He picked up his phone, going through all of her photos he has. 'She's beautiful, so beautiful' he thought, and he loves her much more than she could ever imagine.
Reluctantly, he kept the phone and lay on his left side. He will give her time to let everything sink in first.
It's been three days already, and Abubakar still hasn't call, nor had he texted her. Its so hard for her to control her anger, to let it go and call him, but she couldn't. This is her punishment for giving up her dignity before marriage.
She humped and hissed loudly, causing Samira and Hauweey to look at her quizzically.
"Is everything alright?” Samira asked "you seem kind of off and distant these days. You aren't even concentrating in class and keep zoning out."
"I'm fine" Zeenah replied dismissively "just a little bit sick."
"I see" Hauweey answered, still looking at her "it looks like you're hiding something y'know" she added before looking away.
The three friends were sitting outside the madrasah they all attend. Madarasatul Huda-al Tahfizul Qur'an, which was located in link road, painted white and green with a giant orchard beside.
"What will I hide? I'm not hiding anything" Zeenah replied quickly, not even trying to meet up with the gaze of her two friends.
'They know me too well' she thought 'they'll easily see through my facade and know that I'm lying. I won't let them know anything'
"If you say so" Samira said before asking "how's Mr. Habu? Been a while we've heard about him."
"He's doing just fine. Just busy with work" Zeenah replied.
'He's been ignoring me, I don't even know what to do right now' she thought.
"Are you two having that lovers kinda fight?" Hauweey asked jokingly "cause it looks like that's what is bothering you."
Samira quickly looked at Zeenah and Zeenah looked away.
"Nah, nothing like that. We're good."
"Okay then. Gotta go, I have another class now." Hauweey said.
"Sure. Take care."
"I will. Bye girls." And she left.
Samira kept looking at Zeenah who was still looking away.
"I told you to dump the fool!" She yelled angrily "don't tell me you're still seeing him? Look Zeenah, don't make the mistake of trusting that guy I'm telling you."
"And who said I'm going to trust him? I can't just dump him just like that please, you have to understand that we need to settle things maturely."
"Why talk things maturely when he's an idiot? Tell Mama about this and call off this wedding. He's not a husband material if he's only after your body!"
"And who said he's only after my body?" Zeenah asked, her heart breaking at the thought of what she's currently going through.
"What is he after then? Don't even try to tell me he's after you and you alone, cause there's no sensible man out there who loves for genuinely that'll ask for something like this before marriage! He's a devil Zeenah!"
"Don't call him that" Zeenah said in tears "don't please and let me handle this issue my way, don't rush me and make me loose him completely."
"Oh God! How I so much want you to loose him! Think wisely girl, think!" She snapped angrily and left Zeenah there.
Zeenah covered her face with her hands and cried. This is getting too much, she needs to resolve this issue soon.
Bringing out her cell phone, she typed a quick message to him.
"When are you coming to get your things? And announce the call off?"
She waited for a while before his reply came in.
"Sure, nice thought. I'll be coming over later in the day and we'll call it off once and for all. Take care."
A huge bag of fear gave Zeenah a punch, that moment was poised with disbelief and uncertainty. Could he be for real?
Zeenah shut the door behind her, pushed her aching shoulders impossibly straighter and let the sound of voices guide her to her room. Her heart slammed against her sternum as she passed through the doorway. Conversation skidded to a halt. Expectant eyes turned toward her.Now what? The last thing she wanted was sympathy.Forcing an unconcerned expression to her face, Zeenah sat on her bed, dragged one of the suitcases in front of her and started looking through.Within minutes, the room emptied and she was left alone with Samirah, who registered her a seething look which she never noticed.She winced and shifted uncomfortably before forcing her gaze towards the window."Don't go through this without cleansing yourself Zeenah. Don't do it, its not possible." Samirah said in a cautionary tone.She let the tears she had been holding back rush down her cheeks. Her shoulders sh
The feeling is there, that awful feeling that she's doing the wrong thing all over again. It had been nagging her for three days now and it's already too late to stop what was happening.She was now officially Mrs Abubakar.Zeenat Kabir Abubakar Abukur.The refusal of Samira to attend the wedding had painted a grief in Zeenah’s psyche, According to her, the wedding is null and void until they cleanse their selves. Deep down, Zeenah knew she was right one way or the other, but she still couldn't bring herself to accept what they did was wrong and ought to cleanse themselves before marriage.Well, whatever the case maybe___the deed had already been done.The soft tap on the door brou
She opened her eyes slowly but quickly shot them back. She tried opening them for the second time and slowly adjusted to the white roof above her. Where was she? She wondered as she looked around and saw that the walls were also painted white.She tried turning to her right side but felt a sharp pain pierce through her throat. It hurts a lot she thought."You're awake, Ya Allah. Thank you for waking up, you scared me Zeenatu. I'm so sorry okay? I won't do it again__I promise."That was when she felt the warmness of another hand in hers. She felt the hand being squeezed and kissed slowly. What happened? She thought again."I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't have let my anger cloud my sense of judgement. But please forgive me, I promise not to repeat it again."That was when everything crashed back to her memory. The slaps. The chocking. And the beating with the b
It wasn't as though,he had ever had the intention of beating his wife. It was not a dream and definitely not the best thing he had ever done. He's sure there's more to what he did than what was let out.The feeling of remorse flowed through his veins like some blood he survives on. He feels pathetic for ever raising his hands at her. But then, what will take away the thought of her having the baby that isn't really his?He inhaled deeply, his right hand over his face, as his right leg was sprawled on the floor in his bedroom, while his left foot was crossed over. He had been sitting in the same position for the past two hours ever since he had left the hospital with Khadija.He knew she was still preparing the food she was asked to, but he still couldn't bring himself to forget her expression when she saw the mess and dried blood trailing in the living room. What was she thinking? That couldn’t be brought to hi
A fraction of what was happening these days felt so unreal to her. She had always known that her Abubakar was romantic, but not as he had been these past few days.Guilty conscious, perhaps?Probably.He might have really changed like he had been saying for the past few weeks. Her Abubakar is finally back and more of an upgrade. Zeenah thought happily as she prepared his breakfast. But as soon as she cracked an egg, she felt nauseous and had to run to the nearest toilet and threw up.When will this morning sickness ever end, she wondered sadly as she leaned her back against the sink trying to catch up her breath."Thought I made it clear that I don't like you stressing yourself with your condition?" She heard his voice behind her."I was just preparing your breakfast.""You shouldn't have bothered" Abubakar replied as he helped her back to the living
The baby is gone' was the thought that crossed Zeenah's mind as soon as she opened her eyes, surveying her surrounding, she realized she was in a hospital, AGAIN.This was the second time she had been admitted to a hospital ever since she had gotten married months back. Was it a coincidence? Or was something certainly wrong with their marriage?''Kin tashi?'' (Are you awake?), she heard his voice whisper ''I thought I was going to lose you.'' Abubakar added as he moved close to her, taking her right hand which was free of drip in his and squeezing it so tight. His heart jerked at the feel of her cold hands in his.Zeenah looked up at him with her doe brown eyes and noted the dark circles around his eyes. Oh, how she loves this man as much as he loves her.''What happened?'' She managed to ask softly, her voice so soft that he had to strain his ears more to get what she was trying to say.A
Two days later, Abubakar notified Zeenah that he would be travelling to Zaria on a matrimony basis; Zeenah stared at him, in her thought, asking who could this be that she is not aware of and moreso, never heard about."Yaayy! should I get my bags ready too?''She interrupted Abubakar from operating his phone. “Pack your bags and go to?'' He asked slowly.''I thought you'd be taking me along, ain’t you?''Did I say so? What gave you that impression?''Okay, Zeenah thought. Why was he getting all worked up over something that simple?''Never mind. I'll get your bag ready then. By the way, who's this 'anonymous friend’ of yours?'' She asked, air quoting the favourite cousin's part.Okay! He had had enough of her bullshits. ''When was it made a policy for me to tell you everything about myself? I can't remember when the law was p
They were in their sixth month of marriage, and Zeenah comprehended that Abubakar's bad days, the days she was required to sympathize and compensate for every small injustice done to him, were outnumbering the good days. She didn't know how to fix that, but she suspected it was her fault. She knew other people's marriages were different, that they didn't constantly worry about how to anticipate their husbands' needs, they weren't always walking on eggshells. Certainly, her own parent's marriage hadn't been like this.She seems to subscribe to nightmares, leaving her exhausted the next day. She dreamt of losing a tooth or falling from tall buildings, a skyscraper perhaps. Or being chased by things she couldn't put her fingers on."It is bizarre and cryptic," she related to Abubakar one morning as he sips his coffee, "this new one I had last night. I was in a park somewhere, just walking by myself, and my right leg fell off. No blood or anyt