By the Time They Missed Me, I Was Gone

"Boston University is perfect for Lily." Ethan set his tablet in the middle of the dining table and tapped the campus map. "I'm at Northeastern, so I'm less than twenty minutes away on the T. If anyone gives you trouble, call me."

Lily rested her chin in her hands and gave him one of her sweet, grateful smiles. "I always feel safer when you're around. But Ryan has wanted McGill forever. I can't ask everyone to rearrange their lives just because I'm nervous."

She said she couldn't ask, but her eyes were already on Ryan.

He closed the McGill acceptance page on his laptop as casually as if he were canceling dinner reservations. "It's just a school. I can get an education anywhere. BU accepted me too, so I'll stay."

Three years ago, Ryan and I had sat beside the Charles River and promised that if McGill accepted us both, we would go to Montreal together. He knew I wanted to study molecular biology and escape a home where every decision somehow revolved around Lily.

Back then, he had promised he would leave with me.

Now Lily didn't even have to ask him to stay. All she had to do was look a little scared, and our promise disappeared.

"Ryan, you really don't have to do that." Lily bit her lip, her eyes already shining. "Nora applied to McGill too. Haven't you two been planning this forever?"

She had finally mentioned me, but no one turned in my direction.

Mom patted Lily's hand. "Nora adjusts to anything. She'll be fine wherever she goes. You've always had a harder time with change, so of course you need people you trust nearby."

Dad nodded. "Family looks out for family. Nora can stay in Boston too, and then everyone wins."

I opened my mouth to tell them Edinburgh had accepted me, but Lily sniffed softly.

"Am I being selfish?" she asked, looking straight at me. "You don't blame me, do you, Nora?"

Ethan frowned before I could answer. "Why would this have anything to do with Nora? Ryan made his own choice. Stop taking the blame for everything."

Ryan gave me the familiar look he used whenever he wanted me to make things easy. "Nora won't hold it against you. She's not like that."

He didn't ask whether I was hurt. He didn't ask where I wanted to go. He answered for me because, for eighteen years, I had played the part of the girl who never made a fuss.

As children, Lily could sing one song at a family party and every adult would stop to listen. When I showed them a science fair project, she only had to mention a stomachache. Mom and Dad would rush her home before I finished my first sentence.

Eventually, I learned not to expect anything. Expectations only gave people another chance to walk away from me.

"Nora?" Dad finally noticed the laptop open in front of me. "Did you accept the state school?"

I glanced at the University of Edinburgh offer on my screen. "Almost."

"Don't leave it until the last minute," Ethan said. "And try not to overload your schedule. Lily will have a lot going on her first year, and she'll probably need your help."

Lily immediately stepped in with that gentle voice everyone loved. "Don't pressure her, Ethan. Not everyone needs to pack college with a million goals. As long as Nora is happy, that's what matters."

It sounded supportive. What she really meant was that her future deserved careful planning, while mine could be whatever was left over.

I stopped trying to explain and went downstairs to my room in the basement.

When I was fourteen, my parents turned my sunny bedroom into Lily's recording studio. They moved me downstairs because I was quiet, easygoing, and apparently capable of studying anywhere.

My desk shared a wall with the boiler room. The pipes clanged through winter nights, and in summer the air smelled like damp concrete and laundry detergent.

On my screen, the University of Edinburgh was waiting for my answer.

I was still short on money, but I had made the final round for the Caledonia Global Scholars Program. If I covered the first year of housing and living expenses with my savings, I could leave even without the full award.

I clicked Accept.

As the confirmation loaded, laughter drifted down from upstairs. Lily had probably said something charming, and once again, everyone had gathered around her.

No one came downstairs. No one asked what I had decided.

They had spent the entire evening planning my future, yet not one of them cared enough to hear my answer.