A Chapter In Your Life

…Jenna POV...

Three hours have passed; we have five to go until they take Tyler away.

It is five hours that I dread, it is ticking by slowly, and with each ticking second, it is crushing my heart slowly. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together. I am putting my best face forward for Tyler, but I think he can see the fear crumbling in my eyes.

What has gone from saying that he does not want to leave me, he is not apologizing. Yet I need to remind him, “Baby, this is not your fault.”

“But…”

“No, but if it is anyone’s fault here, then it is mine. If I did not make such a mess up in my past, then it would not have come back to haunt me, but most of all, then you would not have gotten hurt.”

And as he goes silent, I know that he is playing that day over in his head. I cannot even begin to imagine how much it must haunt him. He has not yet spoken to me about what exactly happened. Sometimes I think that he might not even remember.

Whichever way you look at this, none of this should have happened.

But it has, and I need him to know that this is only going to be a chapter in his life; it is not a whole story. He has a lot still to live for.

 So here we are, we are living that chapter, and while his body is becoming very weak, all I do is hold his hand while he sleeps. After a while, he opens his eyes again, and we laugh; we talk about how much we love each other and that only I and he could be this unlucky as per usual. 

“You are going to be okay.” I try once again to reassure him.

But I think he has just gotten so tired of hearing me say it. It is just that I have no idea what to say to him anymore; I don’t know how to make this better. I feel completely helpless; I wish the time will come so that we can just start getting through this.

After moments of just sitting in silence, he turns to me once again and softly whispers, "I think I am going to try and sleep."

Before he drifts off, I look at his soft brown eyes and whisper, "I love you. And I am proud of you. You are stronger than you think."

He turns to me and replies, "Always and forever, I am going to beat this."

With that, I chuckle, and I settle in for another hour of watching over him. 

I cry and cry and cry. I haven't stopped crying since he has fallen asleep. The thought that I will never see him again destroys me. It is as if the heavens opened up and heavy rain started beating against my skin. 

I know that he will not give up and that he will fight with everything that he has got. But I am scared of how much more longer he can continue with this mentally.

He wants to be with me forever and cuddle our babies for the rest of the time. Unfortunately, life is a cruel joke sometimes. The love of my life will be taken from me, and I will never speak to or see him again. I genuinely don't know how I will get through, but I will because that is what Tyler would have wanted me to do. He never gives up, and neither will I. Never. 

But I know that he will look at me and tell me to man up and to stop crying. That is how he is. Inappropriate, love to laugh, and want me to be happy.

I will never meet another like Tyler, and I don't want to. He will forever be the light in my life, and I will keep him with me every step of the way. Tyler is my soul mate, lover, best friend, and favorite person in the whole world. He tells me all the time that we are two halves that were lucky enough to meet. 

It is him and me against the world, and it always will be. I keep hearing the pain will get better, even if it never fully leave me. I am struggling to believe that right now.

Tyler makes me so happy. We truly are meant for one another, and we have a connection and bond that most people never get to experience. We were lucky in that sense. 

We have just started a little family, and it is the happiest we have ever felt. I know we still argue and are silly with one another sometimes, but we always fight for each other no matter what. 

Always and forever, we will be a team. I love my beautiful brown-eyed boy. I will hold him in my heart until the day I lose my own fight. 

I will take care of him and make sure he knows I love him every day.

We have gone through such hard times, but I will remember him with our cherished moments together. 

Our drunken nights when we first met, where we would dance the night away, drinking wine and telling each other stories about our lives. 

The cuddles and kisses. The deep conversations about life and the universe around us. 

Our engagement.

Our trips where I would sing to Britney Spears at the of my lungs. How we laughed at the same stupid and inappropriate stuff. 

Our strength in the face of adversity. 

Our daily gushing of love for one another. The fact that we never give up on one another. The homes we share. The gifts we share. The life we shared. The friends we share. The family we share. The many weekend trips we took. 

Our honeymoon. 

Our wedding, which was the best day of our lives. 

But most of all, I cherish him and his spirit forever. He showed me what it is to be really strong, and he always believes in me. I hope I make him proud. 

My dear husband, my dear Tyler,

It still feels like a nightmare. Even after the doctor's appointments, it doesn't seem real. I'm looking at you, and I can see how much has changed since this has all started. Your energy has decreased, and you always wanted space away from me and everyone else so we don't have to see the pain you're in, but we already know. On the other hand, I can also see how little has changed. Your smile is still warm, your laugh is still contagious, and lights up an entire room. The most important thing that I know hasn't changed is how much you love me.

You're one of the bravest people I know. Whether or not I agreed with you at the time, you stood up for me no matter what. I remember one time in particular when I told you there was something in the backyard, you found out it was a rattlesnake, and you just went out and chased it away like a badass. I'm still in awe of your bravery, and I hope I can be just like you. You are superman in my eyes, and I still see you that way now.

How did my superman end up getting so sick? Why is it that the most important man in my life has to go through this? I remember sitting in the room with you when the doctor told us how serious this was. It felt like everything was crashing down on me. I was upset with you for not going to the doctor sooner because you believed you could take care of things yourself. But I was mostly terrified of losing you because there's still so much for us to experience. You need to be there; you are the love of my life.

Taking care of you since this has started has given me a newfound appreciation for everything you do for me. You take care of both of us and run the household, and I didn't really understand how hard it is until I took over. Even when you're weak and aren't feeling well, you still help me, especially with cooking. You're still superman trying to teach me your ways, and it makes me love you more than you will ever know.

I want you to know how grateful I am to have such a wonderful person in my life. I am thankful for every day that you are a blessing in my life. The best husband anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for being there for me, even now when you don't feel like getting out of bed. 

Thank you. 

And thank you for never forgetting to remind me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I hate seeing you go through all this; it's so unfair. You deserve so much. I wish I could take all of your pain and make it mine, but I can't, so I want to be there for you as much as I can. I want you to know that I love you so much. We'll get through this together, just like we started.

"So please, Tyler. Please. Fight! This is only going to be a chapter in your life. Not a whole story."