SIX

I made my decision over the night. The pack house is the highest building in Silver moon pack, going up to seven stories tall. No one would survive a fall so high. I’d made my research many times, and what better time to execute my plans than now?

I could get to the roof of the building through the back emergency staircase. Climbing seven stories shouldn’t be any hassle considering the type of punishments I have had to do in my lifetime.

I was hurting while my mate pleasured himself in between another woman’s legs, and when the morning comes, I’ll have to bear the Alpha’s whip and punishment for being in his house. I hate putting Ailana in any form of disagreement with her family, but it seems like each time she tries to help me, something goes wrong.

The time is about 3:36 A.M and it’s still quite dark, so I turned on my little lamp. I’d picked up this lamp from the trash of one of the higher ranks on one of the days I’d been cleaning for them. No matter how long I charged it, it was never bright enough to illuminate my small cubicle, but at least it was enough to reflect over the small piece of paper on the floor..

My hands shook as I held on to my pen, tears dripping down my eyes and my free arm clutching my stomach. Do I really need to pen down a suicide note? Ailana is the only one that would be hurt by my decision and I needed to put something down to ease her pain. I’d thought this day will come, and I have held back way too long, mostly because of her, but I can’t survive one more day in Silver Moon pack.

I'm not fully recovered, my body was still bruised all over and who knows what the alpha will do to me when the morning comes? My body will not be able to take anymore torture, and if I was going to die, then I have a chance to do it on my terms. After all I have been through in the last years, I deserved to give myself that.

I’d thought about what to write all the times suicide crossed my mind, but now that I held a pen in my hands, I didn’t know how to. My hands shook, hot tears streamed down my cheeks and I developed a hiccup from too much crying. My wolf whimpered, too weak to lead me on or talk me out of it because of what she was going through.

I pressed the pen to the paper with shaky hands and began as slowly as I could.

… If I could go back in time and change the events that led me to this situation, then I will, but unfortunately I don’t have that power….

I paused, shutting my eyes tight and my hands shaking profusely as I felt another round of pain in my gut. The pen slipped from my grasp as I rolled on the bare floor, screaming and cursing Zayden Vaugh. This will be the last time I’d get to feel this. After tonight, I’ll be free. In a few hours, I’ll see Leander again.

When the pain lessened a bit, I picked up the now rumpled paper. I had a lot of grief I needed to let out, so I started scribbling furiously on the paper before the pain kicked in again. I had a message for the alpha and his Luna, I had a message for my mate, a word for Zella, and the other pack members, but I left the last for Ailana, thanking her for sticking out for me and apologizing for the pain my action will cause her. I cried some more when I relieved some of the memories we had.

By the time I was done with the note, it was past 4 A.M. I hope the note gets to Ailana first because any other person may just tear it to shreds. She’s the only one that comes to visit me in my small space. The only time my mate comes by is to torture or taunt me, and Zella comes only when I was too late to report to my duties.

Knowing the condition she’d left me, Ailana will surely be the first to come to check on me, that is if the alpha did not summon me for my daily torture first. I shuddered, curling into a ball as the pain started again. It is at that time that I start to hear voices in my head again.

Goose pimples covered my skin, and my hands shut up to cover my ears, but how could I drown out a voice that was coming from within? I’d heard this voice a lot as a child. Sometimes, it’s loud, and sometimes it sounds like an echo. Other times, it’s calm, but commanding. At times I feel like I’m possessed.

I could never tell anyone about this, not even Ailana. It’d been very severe on a particular day that I feared I was running mad. It came with a severe headache, and I could never make anything out of what the voice was saying.

I screamed, pressing my hands tightly against my ears as the voice echoed in my ears in a language that wasn’t familiar to me, then slowly, it started to drop till it was almost a whisper, but even then, I couldn’t make meaning of any of it.

I wanted it to stop, but the whispering continued for many minutes. The pain in my gut was gradually dying down, meaning my mate was rounding off his sexual escapade, but now I have to deal with this. I feared to tell anyone all my life, for fear of what they’d call me. I didn’t want them to throw me into an asylum, or to be stigmatized by it, so I kept it to myself, and now I’m going to die to set myself free.

When I think of death, I’m no longer scared as I used to be. I think of death and I think of peace. I think of a safe place away from all the abuse, I think of my family. I think of Leander.

“Shut up!” I screamed. “Shut up!” I repeated with more force than the first time. The noise in my head ceased almost immediately, but it took a few minutes to calm my nerves and the headache gradually subsided. I sniffed, wiping the tears from my eyes and gently rising to my feet. The pack wakes by six, and the warriors start their daily exercise and training first. I still had about one hour before then. What I’m about to do is considered sacrilege in the werewolf world, but I have made up my mind and nothing is going to stop me. They had no right to judge me.

I pushed my rather long suicide note underneath the worn-out lamp on the floor, holding the note in place so it wouldn’t be blown away. The lamp was still on, but now very dim.

I proceeded with caution out of my room, quickly making my way to the back of the pack. I’d stayed in this pack for ten years, and I have thought about this for a long time, so I knew where the warriors were positioned for their nightly routine and I knew the route to take to avoid them. I’ll not get caught, I promised myself.

When I found the stairs that lead to the rooftop, it was thankfully not locked. My legs shook, and tears welled up in my eyes again. Since the door was unlocked, it meant there was at least one warrior on duty stationed at the rooftop to oversee the environs incase of an intruder. I pressed myself into the shadows and closed my eyes, saying a silent prayer to the moon goddess, praying not to be caught and asking her to accept my unclean soul.

Slowly, I started to creep up the stairs, my heart hammering in my chest and my palms clutching my mouth to prevent anyone from hearing my sobs. I’d purposely not worn any shoes because I know any werewolf will pick up the sound of my footsteps. Werewolves have super hearing skills, and my bare footedness did not guarantee that someone will not hear me, so I moved with slow caution.

Finally at the top of the stairs, I peeked through the door to notice a warrior at the South Pole. He seems to be asleep. What manner of negligence… I shook my head.

My heartbeat had picked up so much, I feared the sound might even wake him. I approached the front slowly, still walking on tiptoes and my hands across my mouth. My body never shook as much as it was now. It was cold outside, but I was sweating all over. It’s easier thinking of it than actually doing it, but I consoled myself with the fact that it’s going to bring me peace.

“Hey!” I whipped my head to see the guard had gotten up “What are you doing, Slave?” he boomed. I gasped but didn’t wait one more second, I made a run for it.