An hour later I was walking past the church, up to the dark cottage in the valley, with an insulated carton of cooked runner beans and scrambled eggs under my arm. How different to my previous attempt to help the Walkers, this felt. A mother’s wisdom - just turn up with something useful, versus the folly of youth - stand at the gate and have a shall I/shan’t I moment.
The place looked almost inhabited. The curtains were open and the weeds in the front garden mown. I knocked and Sid’s dad opened. He was sober. I peered through the door. The lights didn’t need to be on as someone had cut the trees around the windows back.
'Hallo, Millie. Fancy you dropping by. We were expecting Charley any minute, or Sid, to pick the children up. Sid has long shifts on Saturday, and now that we ...' He hesitated. Maybe he thought I didn’t know about the alcohol problem in the Walker household. I helped him out.
'Now that you aren’t drinking anym
Day 14.Sunday.I woke at six thirty. I hadn’t heard Charley rise. I assume he was already next door, sorting the children out, so that Sid could have a lie in. What drives that man? Is he going for beatification? Silly. He’d have to be martyred first.I dressed, walked home, and found the early morning air unseasonably cold. No wonder. I was still in my shag-me shorts and shirt from the previous evening. My bed looked even colder and more uninviting than the walk home, so I shoved Sonya to one side, crawled in beside her, and snuggled up. I remember a physics lesson on radioactive decay. At the time I decided Sonya - then only about seven - must have a plutonium core, gently decaying to heat the universe - perfect to cuddle up to on a cold morning. That girl will never want for the love of a good man in her life.Sonya turned out at eight and turned me out with her.'It
‘Why I left with tears in my eyes? I don’t think I was crying,’ she lied. She paused to consider, then said, 'Your dad can guess. Ask him.' 'I have, and he said, ‘another time.’' 'Another time it is then. Next question.' I looked intently down the newly raked sand path, between the roses, toward a beautifully overgrown wall at the perimeter of the rose garden. Should I argue? No point. If she and my dad don’t want to talk about it now, then I should leave it. Next question it is. 'You didn’t ride out on Friday with the hunt, presumably because you had sold your field hunter. Why would you do that?' 'It was a very valuable horse - I needed to raise some quick capital and I knew the company bank wouldn’t help.' 'Come on, Vera. That’s only confounded the riddle. The most that nag could have fetched is a couple of grand and you have that as pin money.' She peered at me over her reading glasses, which she always wore when eating. I
'So, no one else cottoned on?' 'People may have thought us totally bereft of any common sense, but once the gossip mill was grinding, they lost all sense of reality. Perhaps they liked the idea that her ladyship had a couple of bastards by another man and gave them to a childless farmer in Scotland with a big financial reward. I think every other interpretation of my disappearance was too bizarre to be believed.' I pondered her tale. Once it had sunk in, I was aghast. 'So, let me get this straight, Vera. Not only did you have the trauma of miscarrying twins, you had to live a lie, deny any local support systems for a grieving mother and go live on your own in some Scottish castle. And you had a husband, who would rather be married to an adulteress than a faithful wife who had the misfortune to miscarry. When was your breakdown? 'Very perceptive. It hasn’t happened yet, although for a while I fought with it every day. 'Past tense?' 'Yes
Back to the tour with a jolt. We stopped at two massive oils of sea battles - by the appearance of the ships, probably Trafalgar or the Battle of the Nile. Someone dared ask a question. 'What was the family connection with the Royal Navy?' 'We don’t know. The artist was a family friend and he liked doing ships. That’s about it really.' They simply liked pictures of sea battles, which is a bit like me covering my bedroom wall with pictures of Flanders ca. 1916. I had made a decision as I started the tour, come what may, my lips had to stay zipped. These tour guides don’t understand critical questions. This whole exercise was very dangerous ground for me. The guides saw it as their chance to convince the tourists that the British Aristocracy were beyond reproach. I don’t blame them for that. They have children to feed and bills to pay and there isn’t much around Lower Butts not controlled from this house. And then we came to the picture of some
Day 17.Wednesday. Our market garden is crowned by a single storey thirties bungalow, with the loft built out to accommodate the bedroom Sonya and I share. The estate agent euphemism is ‘dormer window,’ which is daft, because like all other bedrooms you sleep in, it is a ‘dormer’, and if you don’t sleep in it, regardless of shape or position, it isn’t a dormer. One imagines a description like ‘Church Cottages,’ means a terrace of houses. Not so! The first two numbers are at least half a mile away, while our house sits at the front of a vast rambling piece of land, which ends where the fen begins. I always thought the house was a prefab, because of its appearance. I was ignorant. It would have been many prefabs joined together for it is a rambling monster. The windows are quaint. This was August. In winter on such a morning, with a stiff breeze off the sea, my mother and I would go round with huge reels of Se
'I don’t believe you!' That was determination. No, it was worse. That was vehemence from a tour guide. Wonders never cease. How would Charley play this one? How dare that woman call Charley a liar, even though he had twice lied? 'Listen, lady. Don’t make me do a thrice denial. Peter was the last to do that. It probably contributed to the spread of Christianity, and look at the mess that has left us in.' I thought I was going to pee myself. Charley boy, it’s official. I love you. I love you to bits. How can I get rid of Vera and her serf and have a quick leg-trembler behind that grizzly bear? There was silence from downstairs. I believe the technical term in warfare is a ‘standoff’. I heard the steps creaking as Charley began to descend the ladder and pressed my forehead against the spindles. Charley was a tall man. He was holding the trophies above his head, where the tour-guide couldn’t reach. 'Give them here,' she ordered. 'You’ll ne
We walked across the tea-parlour lawn towards her car but didn’t get there. A bench by the duck pond seduced us. Once sat down, I reminded her of Charley’s salvo with which he sunk the tour guide and saved my embarrassment - dative case, thrice denial and all that. 'How could he do that? Even if he’d been practising put-downs, it was an amazing achievement for a kid with Charley’s educational background.' 'He does a lot for Sidonie, doesn’t he?' 'You’ve lost me.' 'I think he is totally smitten with you,' she explained, 'and knows the only way to keep you is to close the educational gap. I think your friend Sidonie is match-making by giving him tips in return for him helping her so much with the children. I bet you she is in on this one.' I felt myself go as red as a beetroot. Vera noticed. 'Why does my suggestion embarrass you?' 'I’m shocked that anyone would go to that much trouble to get me - half the parish has dawke
I was on fire. Wind farms were no longer on the agenda. I know that when my adrenaline is pumping, I can make mincemeat of anyone. (OK Vera. I get it now.) I put a business plan in his hand, gave one to Vera, told her to sit down and then sat down some distance from her. That prevented him giving Vera too many withering looks. I would wait for him to ignore me and glare at Vera, and then interrupt him dominating her, by using a bit more lip to make him look my way again. Divide and rule, that was my plan. When I looked up again, I saw how angry he was. I think I could have fried bacon on that forehead. 'Now to the business plan, Mr Ferguson?' He ignored me and addressed Vera. 'Why do we need a business plan? The electricity company has already shown me how it will work. I sent you all the details. All I need is the land-owner signature. I probably don’t need that but my solicitor advised it out of courtesy.' Vera looked helplessly at me.