I stare at the people holding hands while passing, the balcony has been my quick pace to depression, even prison is freer than my current life, how can they contain happiness so freely, they are human rights.
“ Rethabile !” Mom yelled from the kitchen what is she yelling for in particular?I stood up sluggishly walking to the kitchen, and there she was with bulgy eyes, and I prepared myself for a deafening sound, that was sure to come.
“ The kitchen’s dirty! Why are you standing there?
What have you been doing since morning ?”
All these are questions I have grown to get used to, but can't express, you really don't have a say in a n African home, it's totally impossible , and my mom wasn't any different, even in the 21st century.
I just can't wait to be a little bit free from yelling, why can't she respect my boundaries knowing I love doing things at my own pace? And besides, those endless water droplets that I always match in the kitchen make my hair spike, I don't like it.
Even wearing flip-flops is taboo as well, in a typical African home, but I can't hold my body from wanting. I wear my flip flop and then go ahead to do the chores I wasn't ready to do, the dirty dishes were like a map to a whole new world.
As I slowly drift into my little world of imagination, that little world in my head where I talk to people and also laugh, just like the couples I saw earlier, that would be the best day of my life, I would share all my stories and guilty pleasure with them.
And all my adventures I repeatedly tell myself mentally, they would be the luckiest, “ rethabile!” I hear a thunderous voice call me and I prepare myself for round two, “ why are you standing, doing nothing”? She asked i look at her then my hands, i was just beside the dirty dishes. I haven't laid a finger on it
I thought i just did, oh i was in lost in oblivion, where my temporary happiness lays, i smirk at her and she glares in return, “I know you are a witch it's obvious, get out of my kitchen you are simply good for nothing.”
Well when it comes to words mom is always brutal with it, she doesn't care, and i try to tell myself that other children out there are simply facing the worse, at least mom doesn't beat me, that's a relives, because i push her to the verge of amputating my brain, just like I just did.
“Trust me, you wouldn't survive anywhere in this world, I wonder how you would be in your husband's house” she curses the ten million times today, and I smirk in return, like I would love to get married at 13 who cares about her husband's house, no one, well at least not me.
I go back to my room, my uniform is dirty, and i have mastered the habit of washing and wearing it as well, as I said earlier, I love doing things at my own pace. I wash it, then head to study, even when I know I am likely not to partake in the exam tomorrow I would try my best.
If there's one thing I have learned about being financially unstable it's feeding on hope, it was more of our daily bread, and my family had become barkers of that bread, ever since dad died living mom and I siblings in the cruel world.
He died when I was tender, maybe that is why I am not able to bond with anyone... just maybe.
**********
It's night time already, and I had drooled over my book, when did i sleep, my pulsating heart shows i did not sleep well either. I had my regular dream, a hiss escaped my mouth , it was as constant as the mosquitoes auditioning for a humming contest close to my ears, they are never late always punctual.
But this time it wasn't regular snakes and dark rooms like it used to be, this time it was more fictional than normal. I saw a dazzling creature, with gray skin, long hairs, pale legs. If I were superstitious enough I would connect these nightmares to something spiritual but I won't. Neither would I increase my enigma by sharing my problems.
weeks passed and I was done with my exam, meaning the excruciating term was over. I couldn't wait to go back home, then access the peak of solitary. I hate school activities, the ritual is boring already. I did all those hula hoop dances. They were just mental exercises.
But all this was covered by a face of poker face, while my arms rested on my chest. I felt my inside freeze as I felt a grip on my uniform, my soul had begun to rage within me, it always does when something unexpected happens, and I would just be about to shout when I met a couple of blue eyes.
My heart weighed deep inside, looking around. There was a student on the same road as I was, there was someone with the weird color of eyes for dark skin. She was holding me, with veins popping in her hands, my heart began to beat faster, as my legs felt rooted to the floor.
Is she mad?, she must be, why would she hold a random child on the road, and glare, the way she stares at me makes my heart pound, do I know her from somewhere, it feels that way, the way she looks at me, she must be familiar, I feel I have met her if not once in my little stay on earth.
Suddenly I feel nauseous, as myriads of emotions stormed my body, that was all i needed to know I needed to run, for my dear life, and it's better late than never, i jerk my hands from hers and i take to my heel, with my head still on my neck.
I try to tell myself that there's nothing serious. She is just mentally ill, that's all, besides my life is more complicated than normal, but my heart couldn't stop dancing to the horror music played in my head, and all I could was take a warm bath, it always helps. After my lunch and gradually drifted to sleep, just to be awaken again this ime, my brain had formulated a nightmare capable of paralysis, this wasn’t like other cliche dreams with animated monsters, but this time i was totally convinces i had murdered somone in my past life. This time i was chased by angry villagers with war forks and flaming woods, dressed in animal skin and had dreads, weird for a child born in the early 2000s, perspiration trickled down my body as i ran for my dear life, it was hard with the rocky ground And soon i had began to feel dizzy from all the running and slumbed just beside a river bank and thinking all hope was lost , i felt everything freeze, i knew something bizarre would happen, immediat
I stare at her, why is she so happy that her own daughter is bleeding? “I know you are confused, but you are totally fine, you have finally become a woman,” she said, and my eyes popped, her statement stupefying my sense of reasoning. What have I been all my life? a human? That's weird, “ so rethabile do me a favor, stay away from men, you know women can get pregnant, and any man that touches you, you become pregnant,” she added, making my heart pump. Not only have I attained the name woman, but I can as well get pregnant. I don't want that, I overheard someone saying it's painful, I don't want that, and now no one can touch me anymore, “ Mom, if James and David touch me will I get pregnant?” I asked as confusion settled in my heart, “No Reth, your brother can touch you and that's all,” she said, then taught me how to fix a pad on my panties, it looks like a chore already, and once again, I was so reluctant to actually try it, but if my blood keeps oozing like t
"Ma'am, I have personally come to report rethabile to you, she has been a bad child, and as you can see this, she has forgotten her bags in school." " You don't mean it". " Yes I do, am I lying?" He asked Tears had stormed my eyes again as I began to fidget, " speak up rethabile!" Mom yelled, making me fall on the floor, " Please don't scold her, she's just little, their mouths are full of lies and deceit just to get whatever they want, they don't know real-life struggles," he said. Mom stared at him like she was actually listening. Maybe she was, she nodded to his every word and I know she felt connected in some way, it hurts, she won't believe me, she never does " Take this inside," she says. It felt like my demons were staring at me, in human form, and walking a step felt like a thorn in my flesh, " fast!" She yelled and I yelped, taking it from her and then heading into my room. She didn't ask about the bruises she doesn't care either I run into my ro
Depression had rolled in, and all thanks to my mom's hospitality and assumed doctrine certificate I had been diagnosed with an illness. Deep down I knew I was fine, and fear had its place in everything. But oh well, welcome to Nigeria. Three days passed and I seemed to have to return back to school. I felt like I was going on a journey of no return. I did a series of prayers and mantras, hoping I won't see him. The school gate welcomed me, but he wasn't there. That's a relief, the classroom was void of his presence as well, no one spoke about him, he usually parades the class, but he didn't today. Every second felt like my end was just near, but he wasn't around, and the day ended. After hours of waiting for a bell, I ran home thanking God for a successful day with a panic attack. Two weeks passed and he wasn't in school. I was happy that I didn't have to face him, things were going back to how they used to be until whispers began to spread. We were all
Mom was so busy with work, I won't say I wasn't happy she was, but her presence matters a lot, sometimes, we had days when we braided hair, it was like a tradition, and having a 4c natural hair means war and pain without proper management. And that's more than enough reason to keep my hair braided for a long time, and after so much detangling, washing, and tying tight buns, I couldn't take the pain of combing, so I confronted mom about it, weird enough when she was in the middle of a conversation with a client. Bad timing, but I don't want the stress anymore. I could see the annoyance on her face, which soon disappeared, ‘ you won't kill me before my time” it's also a normal word, in an African home, which is usually accompanied by, I did not kill my mother so you won't kill me. She directed me to a salon a little bit far from my house, though it was the first time going outside to dress my hair, Mom would always dress my hair for me, even though I had full a
My weirdness was getting out of hand. First I fell down because someone yelled at me and now hugged a stranger. The lady stared at me, with a satisfied look on her face, she just smiled and led me to the shop, my fidgeting body found its way on a chair just before me. As she braided my hair My mind went far and wide for answers, as I surveyed every corner of her face. I haven't seen her for sure, but maybe this feeling was just there because I have a crush on her son. I won't attest to the fact that she looked like Jamal. She braids my hair, with so much tenderness and I wonder if she is just this sweet, or if it's in the family. I was expecting a lot of detangling but she must be skilled in what she does. After the coaxing, I was told to wait. l couldn't resist. I sat down like an obedient dog waiting to be fed, he had tried starting a conversation but I was busy trying to recall where I saw that face or heard such a voice, how can Jamal and his mother make me nerv
Though I promised myself to get A's next term, during holiday I made sure I visited the state library two times a week. Though I don't go alone,my mom would never let me go to the library by myself. I wanted to a doctor,but am really scared of blood it freaks me out, and I really don't like biology,I prefer physics and maths,to other subjects,so I decided to go for engineering,I studied physics more than I study other subjects,it's more like an adventurous novel to me. Two weeks to school resumption ,I was prepared. I ironed my uniform, washed my socks and bag,I couldn't wait to go back to school,my house was very boring,if not for the fact that I decided to visit the library or read at home I would have gone crazy,my siblings will go out,thereby leaving me at home because I had no friends to play with. I
My weirdness was getting out of hand, First I fell down because someone yelled at me and now I hugged a stranger. The lady just stared at me,with a satisfied look on her face,she just smiled and led me to the shop,she made my hair while smiling like I did or said something funny, or maybe she was thinking of something, she made my hair perfectly, it was like she read my mind,I couldn't tell her what I wanted to make because I was embarrassed. She told me to stay for a while,I couldn't resist I sat down like an obedient dog waiting to be fed,peter tried starting a conversation but I was busy trying to recall where I saw that face,or heard such voice,how can peter and his mother make me nervous the same time,maybe it's in the family,I wonder my reaction when I see his father,I might bow before him or worse. Peter and his mother followed me to my house, I was so nervo