086. Numb

Killian

I can’t feel a thing and I don’t know why.

Why the hell does my chest feel light?

I mean, right before I walked out the door, it was like I couldn't breathe. But right now, I’m numb as fuck. I couldn't feel anything, yet my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. Various scenes from the last five minutes were fighting their way into my mind but I'm blocking them out with the blaring music from Travis Scott.

Where am I going again?

Oh, that's right,Alex's place. He had been discharged and was now receiving the rest of his treatment at home.

I’ll get a few drinks with him and we'll talk about soccer and the weather. Yes, that's just what I need. A distraction from the pending pain that lingered in my subconscious like a 110-pound metal belt.

There’s no way in hell I'm facing it, call me a coward…I don't care. I'm running as fast as I can away from it.

If there's one thing I'm terrified of, it's pain. Not just any kind of pain.

Emotional pain and trauma.

I can't go through that shit again, especially not from the same woman, so what did I do?

I sang along to the music, whistling to the lyrics I couldn't remember and then switched my phone off. I started saying random things, reading writings on billboards and even waving at random kids on the streets.

Am I going crazy?

No ,I'm not. I'm just trying every possible means to keep my mind blank. I'm fighting with my subconscious,it's something my therapist taught me some years back.

If you want to suppress your emotions, fill your mind with constantly changing random thoughts. Keeping your mind busy with so many things at the same time will prevent it from focusing on a particular one and it works every single goddamn time.

I pulled up in the garage and jumped out of the car still whistling.

I'm fine.

Yeah, I am.

Having Raven pregnant for my twin isn't a big deal. It really isn't.

I mean…pfftt. They fucked, probably more than once while I was still in the hospital.So It's not a big deal.

I took the first step, climbing the staircase on the balcony. Just one more step to go but my whole body came to a halt. My legs refused to move.

They fucked!

She's pregnant with his child!

She planned to keep it a secret.

I shook my head violently, slapping a hand across my face.

Get your thoughts in order, Killian! Think about pink elephants! Think you son of a bitch, think!

I kept slapping my cheek, forcing my line of thoughts to go to pink elephants but I was stuck in a loop.

My hands trembled and it felt like a small part of me was ripped open, the pain slipping through little by little.

I grimaced.

Fuck…I've lost grip.

I reached for my phone as quickly as my trembling hands could carry. I struggled to even unlock the screen with blurred vision. My chest was burning like I had drunk acid.

The door opened and Alex's head peeked through. “ You've been standing there for almost five minutes now, are you coming in or not?”

I lifted my head to look at him and the moment our eyes met, his expression dwindled. “ You okay?"

I nodded rapidly without saying a word, my phone falling to the ground. Somewhere, his voice had broken the battle in my mind so I Stabilized myself and shoved past him.

I need a glass of water and a movie then I'll be fine.

“Hey! What's going on?” Alex followed behind me as fast as his crutches could carry.

I just kept moving in circles in the house without even realising it, muttering pink elephants to block all thoughts of her until I found myself in the bedroom.

“ What the hell is wrong with you Killian? What happened to you? What the hell are you muttering?” he yelled, a genuine worried expression on his face.

“I'm fine!” I stated, running a hand over my hair over and over again. I was having involuntary muscle contractions and foreboding dread. It was sipping in little by little.

“No, you're not! Look in the mirror.” He came to stand in front of me.

I wasn't even seeing his face anymore. Now, she's everywhere. Even on people's faces? What the hell.

“I said I'm fine.” I moved my feet, wanting to pace again but he blocked my path…shoving me in the chest.

“I said look in the goddamn mirror!” he gritted and I turned to face the full-length mirror that stood in one corner of the bedroom.

Bloody hell!

My eyes were bloodshot red…with some kind of moisture in them which was definitely not tears. “It's nothing…you want a drink? Some alcohol or a smoke?” I don't like the way my body was reacting but at least I no longer have anxiety attacks like before.

"Smoke? Raven doesn't like it when you smoke remember?" he croaked a brow, scrutinising me carefully.

The mention of her name was like knives slicing through my skins . I flinched visibly and he noticed it. “ Sit and let's talk.” He said.

I don't want to, I don't want to discuss anything so I shook my head.

“Fine, let's stand and talk then.“ He shifted on his feet before continuing. “ Now, it's very obvious that something bad has happened and don't you dare tell me it's nothing because if it was, you won't be shaking like a leaf and looking like you're about to run mad. And you certainly wouldn't have flinched when I called your wife-to-be name.”

He took a step towards me.“ So you better be a man and open your fucking mouth!"

I swallowed. The dreaded feeling morphing into anger and pain“ Wife-to-be, huh?” I scoffed, then shoved my hands into my pockets to bring out the ring.

I stared at it for five seconds then threw it across the room, an angry breath leaving me.

Alex watched every action carefully. My best guess is that he already had an idea that the wedding was off.

“ She's Pregnant.” I started, pacing the room.

" Yeah, we know that !” Alex added, watching me closely.

I let out a strained laugh, still unable to believe that this was fucking happening.“ For that fucking bastard!” I growled, my voice echoing in the room.

" …I want to kill him. I want to rip every single muscle on his bones and make her eat it!" I picked up a stack of books on the bedside table and shoved all of them to the floor.

Rage was eating at me, deep into my bones. My chest was burning as my thighs drifted toward her.

I'm more angry at myself for not thinking things through. Why didn't I see this coming? Nero wouldn't stay quiet for so long for no reason.

He has got to have seen this beforehand somehow. If not, then why? Why has he gone quiet for so long without doing anything?

I punched the wall, reopening the cuts I had gotten earlier today.“ She fucking deceived me….I loved her! I fucking loved her!”

I groaned, pain ripping through my chest as the reality of what had happened overwhelmed me. When I was done crashing out and breaking whatever I could get my hands on, I crouched to the floor. Unable to stand anymore.

Alex had been quiet, leaning against the window as he stared at me. He then took a deep breath, a neutral expression on his face. He didn't seem fazed by what I just said and it left me even more confused.

" Well ....I can't say I didn't sense something was wrong that day in the hospital but you were too excited about the pregnancy to read the surroundings." He said and everything in me shattered.

“ What…what are you saying!” My voice broke.

"If you remember clearly, I had asked Raven why she didn't look happy about the news of pregnancy. You were too excited to notice her reaction. I knew something was wrong but I did not want to ruin the celebrations.” He explained.

My jaw ticked and I launched forward, grabbing him by the neckline of his shirt and slamming him against the window.

My blood was on fire.“ You knew!....you fucking knew about it!"

He remained unfazed.“ I didn't say I knew, I only suspected. I'm good at reading people Killian. I'm a lawyer but I did not have any proof so I let it slide. Besides I knew one way or the other, the truth would come out and it did.” He shrugged and I let loose.

" Fuck!!” I cursed, clutching my hair tightly.

“ You need to take a breath and cool off. You can't think in this state." He adjusted his clothes and picked up his crutches.

“ Let's go get that alcohol and smoke. Then we discuss the way forward." He suggested and I didn't have the strength to give a reply.

I followed him blindly as we left the room. I can't explain how I feel right now. But one thing was clear.

Raven had betrayed me,she had cheated and hurt me.

A fourth time now!

Am I a psycho for still wanting her even up till this moment?