04: Ashes On My Wedding Night.

Barbara.

**

I was still holding the phone so tightly against my ear that my fingers hurt, even though Joe had stopped talking a long time ago.

I kept begging in my head that it was a mistake, because if he had read it right, then the man who held me on that balcony only an hour ago had looked into my eyes and lied.

I whispered Joe's name and was about to ask him to check again when a hand touched my shoulder, and I ended the call so fast that the phone almost fell out of my hand.

I turned and saw Julian staring at me as if she had seen a ghost.

My heart started pounding, because if she had been standing behind me for even a minute she might have heard everything, and I was not ready to explain Dante to her.

Julian had never liked him.

She felt he was no different from Graham, which was funny coming from a woman who kept going back to an ex who cheated on her every chance he got.

"Is everything okay?" Julian asked.

I nodded, but she rolled her eyes at me. "I know you, Barbara, so tell me what is going on."

The truth was sitting in my throat and burning, but I did not even know if it was the truth yet, and I could not stand the thought of being wrong in front of her.

"Nothing is wrong..." I said, forcing a smile that hurt my cheeks. "I was talking to my bank workers, because they kept calling to congratulate me."

"Oh, okay..." Julian said slowly, "but we have a problem."

My heart sank, because I had barely crawled out of one hole and another one had already opened under my feet.

What a perfect, beautiful, sweet life.

"Go on?" I told her.

"The press is still outside with their cameras," Julian said, "so you and Graham have to get into one car and go home together."

I laughed out loud, because it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard in my life.

I could not even picture Graham as a boyfriend, so how was I supposed to ride home with him like his wife?

I pressed my hands against my face and dragged them through my hair. "Julian, I have had a terrible day and it is not over yet, so do you love me, or do you want me dead?"

She sighed, and I knew she loved me, but at that moment she felt like a weapon fashioned against me.

She took my hand gently. "I understand how you feel, but we have to finish this properly. And look at Dante's exes over there, they are just waiting for you to fall."

We both looked across the hall, and I let out a slow breath, because those women were so beautiful that it was almost scary.

"And they look deadly." I said, "Dante always had a type."

Julian looked at me for a long moment. "And you don't look like one of those types, does that not bother you?"

I sighed, because that was the exact reason I never told her anything, because the second she hears the whole story about tonight, she would bury Dante with her mouth.

"Fine, I will do it." I said, "but will Graham agree, because he has had enough for one day."

Julian glanced across the hall and turned back to me. "I already asked him, and he agreed."

I blinked at her, because nobody got Graham to agree to anything for free.

He traded favors like a man selling tomatoes at the market, so his quick yes smelled like trouble to me. "Please tell me you are not about to give that man your pussy."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Barbara?" Julian gasped, her mouth wide open. "I am leaving, so go to hell!"

She stormed off, and I smiled for the first time in hours, because a joke was always my easiest way to get her off my back.

The smile died quickly, since the name Lydia White kept ringing in my head like a bell I could not turn off.

I lifted my gown and walked toward the door.

The cameras flashed the moment I stepped outside, so I held my face steady like a woman who had nothing to hide.

Graham opened the car door on the other side and got in as I did, and people threw flowers and cheered as the driver pulled away.

***

Inside the car it was so quiet that I could hear my own breathing, and we both stared out of our windows as if the other person was not there, until a smell reached my nose and I turned to find Graham smoking like the world owed him something.

"Graham, please, I do not like people smoking in the car..." I said.

He did not even turn his head. "Was that supposed to be a 'me' thing?"

My eyes widened, but I said nothing else, because another fight would have broken me completely.

I looked away, and a moment later I felt something close to my face, and when I turned he was holding the cigarette out to me.

"What the hell? I am not interested!" I said.

"You have had a bad day." he said with a small smile, "so I thought this might help."

I sighed heavily because I couldn't help but wonder why bad things always made him look so happy, and I turned back to the window.

"Oh, you do not smoke... pathetic." he added, and I almost laughed, because he was wrong.

But the day Dante told me he hated women who smoked, I gave it up and built a perfect picture for him.

He deserves everything perfect because he is.

I smiled and stared at the passing trees until we reached my mansion fifteen minutes later.

I climbed out and walked toward the door, but I heard footsteps behind me, so I turned around.

"You are not coming into my house, are you?"

He stepped close and blew the last of his smoke slowly into my face. "You would love that."

I followed his eyes to the roadside, where a crowd stood holding up their phones, and I rolled my eyes. "Fine, but my rule number one is: No shoes inside."

I went in and climbed up the stairs, and when I looked back from the top I saw him walk into my sitting room and drop onto my couch with his shoes still on.

I marched back down. "I told you no shoes in my house!"

He looked at me for a long moment. "Is your N*****x subscribed, or should I connect it myself, because I am waiting for a show."

I was so angry that my hands were shaking, so I went back upstairs before I said something I could not take back.

In my room I sat on the bed and my thoughts crowded in all at once, and none of them was kind.

Dante was in another woman's house with marks on his neck.

My dream wedding lay in pieces.

My money had gone to a stranger.

And a demon sat in my living room watching television, so which pain was I supposed to deal with first?

I took a shower that lasted barely ten minutes, then took my pills, because my panic always came when everything felt too heavy.

I sat on the edge of the bed in silence while my head slowly filled up and my chest grew tight, and I understood this feeling well.

Before I knew Dante, only one thing had ever calmed it.

Cigarettes.

Even in our early days I used to hide to do it, so I knew exactly what I wanted now, but how was I supposed to ask Graham for it?

Quickly, I went downstairs and found him on the couch with a cigarette between his fingers, and the smell made my mouth water, so I turned to leave.

"You can join me if you want." Graham said without looking up. "I am not interested in you, so stop being dramatic.."

I frowned. "Do you really think I am putting on a show for you?"

He laughed. "It is fine, I get that a lot, it is me, after all."

I wanted to scream, because he behaved as if he was a gift to the world just because of his blonde hair.

Ugh!

I climbed two steps before I stopped, with my pride fighting my needs.

"I wanted to ask for your cigarettes, if you are willing to share..." I said quickly, and I ran upstairs before he could answer.

I sat on my bed and left the door unlocked, because a small, foolish part of me hoped he would come.

After a long while I heard slow footsteps, and he appeared in the doorway smiling like a devil who had finally been offered a job, then walked in, sat on my bed and held out the cigarette.

I took it, and he raised an eyebrow. "Take it easy, have you done this before?"

I stared at him, because saying yes would make me a liar to Dante, while saying no would make me a liar to him.

"Just give me the lighter." I said.

I took one pull, then another, then remembered I was supposed to look like a beginner, so I started to cough.

"Get me water, I am choking..." I said.

He leaned close and whispered, "You are bad at acting, and it is not even feminine, at all."

My heart skipped, because I wondered if he had known all along, so I rolled my eyes and said, "Forget it..." and smoked properly.

He smiled. "Exactly, you should never bend yourself to fit into someone else's life....unless money is involved."

"Jesus...You suck at giving advice." I scoffed.

"Give it to me." he said, reaching for the cigarette, but he fumbled and the hot ash fell on my arm.

I yelped, and he started brushing it off my skin, which only made it worse, so I glared at him. "Can you not do one thing right in your whole life?"

We both bent to pick up the cigarette, and our heads knocked together hard.

I looked up at him furious, and he stared back as if he wanted to hit me too.

We were so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and I was ready to slap him when the door burst open behind us.

I turned, and Dante stood there staring at us in total shock, and I wished the ground would open and swallow me whole.