34 No Chance

“The number you are calling is invalid. Please check the number and try again…”

For what feels like the thousandth time, I hear that phrase and still can’t believe what’s happening.

Sixteen fucking days have passed since that evening, and Ann has vanished like she fell through the earth… or dissolved into thin air. She didn’t answer my calls, and soon after, she deleted her number altogether.

I don’t understand what could’ve happened that affected her like this. Maybe someone told her the whole truth, and she decided to cut me out of her life that way. But Kirill and Vicky say they didn’t, and I believe them. Then who? And was it even because of that? So many questions, and not a single answer.

The idea that she didn’t like being with me is bullshit right off the bat. She reacted to me wild and passionate. She wanted me just as much as I wanted her. We fucked on that motorcycle for a long damn time. Ann came four times. She liked everything.

Yeah, I counted her orgasms. I fucking reveled in them. She’s unreal in those moments, and watching her was just as good as fucking her.

“Come to my place. Stay the night with me,” I whispered to the brunette, unable to stop kissing her when I brought her to her entrance. I’ve never kissed any girl that long or that much, and it still wasn’t enough. I wanted to spend the whole night with her, making love until she forgot her own name.

“I can’t,” the beauty looked at me with a hint of sadness. “Kirill is home alone, I can’t be gone for long. He takes new men in my life very badly. Let’s not rush… it takes time to get used to things.”

“Fine,” I growled, pulling her tighter against me. “I know how to wait. But I don’t want to let you go…”

“Me neither,” Ann whispered in a trembling voice, burying her face into my chest, hugging me tightly.

And I didn’t give her words any importance. Should I have? Because after that… I never saw her again. Later, I found out she lied to me and never let anyone get close. Not only did she destroy her SIM card, it turned out she couldn’t be found anywhere.

I went to the hospital where she worked, but they told me she’d only been there a couple of times as a volunteer. A volunteer whose last name they don’t even ask. And she hadn’t shown up there for quite a while. No one had any information about where she lived or anything else about her.

Still, I didn’t stop. I went to her building, but the concierge said no such girl with a son lived there at all. Though he did mention there were a ton of apartments rented out short-term. But I didn’t give up. I waited near that entrance for days. Nothing. She never showed up again.

I’ve never felt this fucked up before. Just when I thought I’d finally grown real wings, reality ripped them off with meat. I never suffered from heartbreak before… and turns out, it feels like absolute SHIT. Disgusting, suffocating, soul-rotting shit. My chest burns and aches, and I want to rip that feeling out of me, but I can’t. I just sink deeper into that gnawing pain and despair.

Why did she do this to me? Why did she run? Did I scare her off with my pressure, or did she somehow find out about my lies?

But I could’ve explained everything. I could’ve begged for forgiveness and spent the rest of my life making it up to her… if she had just given me the chance.

But Ann decided for both of us. Or maybe she never took me seriously at all, and I just made everything up in my head. Maybe I made her up too, and she’s just a figment of my imagination? But there are witnesses… so I’m not completely losing it yet.

“Since when do you braid hair?” Vicky’s eyes widened when I secretly decided to fix Soli’s hair while sitting with the kids on their playground behind the house.

I stopped by because… the walls at home started pressing in with their deafening silence. I used to love my quiet space, but lately it only reminds me how alone and fucked I am. And when you’re left alone with your thoughts, they eat you alive like termites chewing through rotten wood.

“Since you weren’t here. Had to learn,” I answer quietly, a bit embarrassed, still braiding.

“You did it for HER?” Vicky asks, understanding, sitting down next to me. She’s kind. Sometimes like a damn hurricane with a sharp tongue, but also a loyal friend. Kirill’s lucky…

“I really wanted her to like me…” I sigh.

“I don’t recognize you,” the blonde looks at me carefully, like she’s seeing me for the first time. “At first I thought she was just another one of your girls, but now… damn! You actually fell in love!” it suddenly hits her, and she even covers her mouth.

“Yeah. I love her. For the first time. For real. And what’s the point?” I sigh tiredly, finishing the braid and rubbing my face. “Vicky, I lied so much… and she shut me down pretty clearly. Though she always kept me at a distance anyway…”

“And you’re just gonna give up?” she doesn’t believe me, reading my despair.

“What else can I do? She didn’t trust me… and she was right not to. Her instincts about me were spot on. To build something together, you need two people, not one. We never had a chance from the start. Too much fucking lies on my side. That killed everything before it even began. And it looks like she found out the truth from someone. I just don’t see any other explanation.”

Fuck… I don’t even have her photo. I don’t even know her last name. Never bothered. Thought we had all the time in the world…

Not wanting to drag my relatives into my mess, and to avoid painful questions, I say goodbye and head out. Back to my solitude. But Kirill stops me at the door.

“Come to my gym. You need to blow off steam. Looks like you really need it,” my twin says seriously, reading me perfectly. I nod. A good fight always helps clear your head.

We beat the shit out of each other for a solid hour, and yeah… it helped a bit. I thank my brother, take a shower, and leave with a slightly different mood.

Before Ann, life was easy. After she left, a black hole opened inside me, sucking out everything. I have to plug that hole somehow. I need to move on. Forget her.

And I know a perfect, very familiar way.

“Hey, where are you?” I ask Alex right away. Because what’s better therapy than alcohol and whores?