2. Fix your insecurities

XIMENA 

“Did he sleep with her? He wouldn't do that to me, right? He probably stopped the second I left his apartment,” I thought to myself.

“And yet he didn't chase after you?” A voice scoffed at the back of my mind. “If he could do that in front of you, just imagine what he'll do when you're not even present.”

I didn't want to think about it but the image of Jake kissing another woman was already imprinted in my head and I couldn't stop thinking that they might actually take things further after all, it was all part of the dare.

I didn't sleep a wink all night. I stared at my phone, waiting for Jake’s call to come in and hear his excuse even when I didn't need one.

I saw the whole thing happen. I saw him pick his social status over me and yet, I still waited for him to tell me that I was just overthinking things and it wasn't that deep. 

I waited until 4:00 in the morning and yet nothing. I cried myself to sleep and had barely slept for one hour when my alarm rang again. My head throbbed so badly I even considered skipping classes today but I know I'll only end up overthinking things once again.

“Are you okay?” Mallory, my best friend asked as she sat next to me in literature class. “You look like shit,” she chuckled at her own cruel joke and when I didn't laugh, a frown tugged her lips.

“Hey, what is going on?” She asked in a softer tone this time which is nearly impossible because Mallory is everything but soft and gentle.

She's wild, crazy and does the most questionable things. Sometimes I wonder how we even became friends but before I could say anything, the professor came in.

“Why can't he just have a terrible headache and miss class for once?” Mallory hissed beside me.

After spending eight boring hours in school, I finally got to leave. I found myself staring at my phone, waiting for Jake’s call to come in, but it was radio silence.

As I approached my shared apartment, I saw a figure leaning against the door and my stomach churned. I'd recognize that stature anywhere.

Jake.

He raised his head the second he heard the sound of my footsteps to look at me and I didn't know how to feel.

I felt relieved to see him at first but the second I remembered how he had ignored me all night, my stomach churned loudly. Jealousy burned down my spine for the fact that he dared to kiss another woman right in front of me and he didn't look a bit remorseful about it.

My lips trembled and my throat burned from all the unspoken words when he approached me.

“There you are,” he said, a slight grin pushing that dimple into his cheeks.

The same dimple that could make me melt even if I was having a bad day but today, I just stared right back at him.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded even though that was the least of the things I wanted answers to.

He kissed another girl in front of me for goodness sake! Why isn't he apologizing? Why is he acting like this is one of our many fights about who gets to eat the last slice of pizza and clean the dishes?!

“Are you going to invite me in?” He asked and I sighed.

If we're going to do this, we might as well talk in my room.

I pushed the door open and he followed me into my room. Ignoring him, I took off my shoe and did everything but look at him when he finally broke the silence.

“Have you calmed down? I figured you'd be angry after last night.”

Calm down? 

“What the fuck, Jake!” I snapped my head up to meet his gaze. “You didn't even reach out to me. How would you know if I was angry?”

A frown creased his brows and he looked even more confused. “Wait, you were not angry? Why did you run out like that then?”

“Oh, you saw that?” I scoffed in disbelief and I couldn't believe he was looking at me like I was the unreasonable one here.

“Of course I did. You left like that and…”

“And you didn't think to check on me? To ask if I was fine? You didn't call me all night Jake. In four years, we never go to sleep without talking to each other! You saw your friends humiliate me and yet you enabled it.”

My voice kept rising with each word and at this point, I didn't care if my flatmate was around or even listening.

He parted his lips to speak and I didn't think I recognized the man standing in front of me.

“I didn't expect you to be angry, okay? It was just a game. You were there when I got the dare and…”

“And you could have turned it down,” I hissed. “You could have refused to participate. I didn't! You knew how wild your friends could get when they're drunk and you still went with it.”

“It was my birthday, okay?” He sighed. “I just wanted to have fun.”

“At the expense of my feelings?” I shook my head in disbelief.

“You know that is not what I meant…”

“Are you listening to yourself at all? I'm your girlfriend for fuck's sake! Did you think about how your action would make me feel?” I searched his eyes, genuinely curious if he cared about me when he decided to play that dumb game.

“I couldn't turn them down okay?” He sounded defensive and I almost laughed.

“Why not? Because last I checked, no one has ever died from backing out of a game.”

“Then everyone will know we're together!” He snapped, taking me by surprise.

Wait, that was his excuse? Because he didn't want to expose us?

“We vowed to keep our relationship a secret and live our own lives, remember?” He reminded me as if I'd ever forgotten about that damn promise.

“What is so wrong with everyone finding out that we're dating?” I asked and he suddenly went quiet. “What is so wrong with that, Jake?!” 

My heart was racing so fast now and I couldn't tell if it was out of anger or disappointment.

“Yes, we made a deal but what is so wrong with everyone knowing that we are together?”

For the first time since he stepped into the room, he actually avoided making eye contact with me.

“ANSWER ME, JAKE!”

His eyes flickered with something unreadable before he finally found his voice. “I'm sorry… I didn't know you were tired of the lies and wanted to go public.”

He didn't know? 

His friends accuse me every time for trying to get his attention and he never spoke on it. They'd make side comments every time I show up for his games and attend a party with him and he actually thought I was okay with being the one they picked on?

“This is not about me, Jake,” I breathed out. “This is about your own decision. The fact that you'll rather have strangers talk shit about your girlfriend than defend her. The fact that you'd rather have them believe I am chasing you than confess that we're are together—”

Tears stung my vision as I finally realized how stupid I had been.

“Ximena…”

“I never thought a day would come when you'd be ashamed of me.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks and he flinched at my words.

“I'd never…”

“You'd never do that?” I cut him off with a shaky voice. “Deny me publicly or be too ashamed to call me your girlfriend because it has already happened.”

“You're not being fair right now and you know it,” he said with a frown.

“Do I?”

All along, I thought he was proud of me. That we were on the same page. I turned blind eyes to everything his friends said and did but the truth was it was never about them.

My boyfriend just happened to love the attention more than he loves me.

“Come on,” he drew out a frustrated sigh. “You can't seriously turn everything on me like that. You know how much I love you!”

“Are you sure about that?” My voice came out barely as a whisper because even though he had never given me a reason to question his love, what he did was even more heartbreaking.

“This is not fair, okay?” He hissed. “You were the one that brought up the promise. You can't seriously think I'm ashamed of you because of one game!”

I bit back my lower lips as I sobbed quietly.

“You think it's about the game? What about the many nights your friends looked down at me? What did you do to stop it?”

“I can't tell grown ass people how to act okay? You're being too sensitive right now and I'm trying my best to understand you but you're not making it easy for me,” he snapped.

“You don't get it do you? You hurt me!”

I wasn't just mad about the stupid game or the fact that he kissed a girl. I wanted him to see how badly his actions had hurt me but clearly, he wasn't listening to me.

“I had a long day, Xi,” he said in a dismissive tone. “I can't keep apologizing for everything because you refuse to accept that we are adults now. It was just a kiss. I didn't even know the girl before last night and it was embarrassing enough that you ran out like that.”

Embarrassing? That is what he thought of my reaction.

I bit down my trembling lips but couldn't make out a sound.

“Fine! I'll leave you if that is what you want,” he spat. “I don't know how else to make you believe that I love you wholeheartedly if you can't even trust me.”

My vision blurred with tears as I stared at him but he was no longer having it.

“Maybe what you need is to fix your insecurities issues first because I'm done with this back and forth. Call me when you're ready to be my girl again or don't.”

He stormed out of my room and slammed the door shut, leaving me stunned.