6: Trapped in thoughts

Arielle’s POV

I lay on my bed, exhaling deeply as if I had been holding my breath for days. The walls of my bedroom had always felt familiar, like a shield—but now they felt like a trap.

It was very late, yet I couldn't hear anyone's voice. Usually, Evelyn and Raya were noisy whenever they came into the house.

"Please, anyone," I whispered softly.

I was hoping for their return because I didn't know what to say or do if Cassian came knocking on my door.

"Shit!" Soraya's voice came through the passage.

I quickly sat upright with a wide smile.

She opened my bedroom door without a care and walked towards me, taking off her shoes lazily and flopping onto my bed while yawning.

“Ugh, remind me to never cover that lady's shift again. I swear the late-night weirdos only come out for me,” she whined as I rolled my eyes.

"Yet you keep on doing it. Also, it wouldn't kill you to knock, you know," I said seriously, then moved to the edge of my bed, fingers clenched around the hem of my hoodie.

I was debating with myself whether to tell her what I had just witnessed or not.

Raya was my only best friend. Not only did we share secrets, but whenever she was free, we usually went out to have fun or grab a drink. There were times we even took vacations together.

Whenever I decided to keep my mouth shut about something that was bothering me, I ended up acting weird and stressed out, which affected my studies. That's why every time something bothered me, I usually turned to her and confided in her.

After pouring out my heart to her, I felt so relieved, and I usually went back to acting like my usual self.

"Tell her everything," I whispered to myself in my mind, then opened my mouth, but no words came out.

"Do it!" I screamed at myself silently.

“You okay?” Raya’s voice cut through my silence.

“Yeah. Just tired. You got in really late,” I answered in a low tone.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to call you because I thought you must have been asleep.I only came in to pat your head a little and say goodnight,” she said with a smile.

“I missed my class,” I whispered without meaning to.

Raya quickly shifted and then blinked. “Wait, really? I thought you had…”

“I—I also couldn’t sleep,” I said quickly, my voice shaking.

“I kept thinking about—” I stopped, as my heart pounded loudly in my chest.

Raya sat up, her gaze narrowing.

“About what?” she asked seriously.

I bit my lower lip as the words I wanted to say played in my mind.

I saw him. Cassian. Touching himself while saying my name.

I wanted to say it out loud, yet the fear clenched tighter than the truth. Fear of what it meant. Fear of being blamed. Fear that it wasn’t real.

“About Mom. And her new… husband.”

I forced out the words and then smiled—a fake one I had mastered over the years.

She groaned, flopping back again.

“Ugh, don’t get me started. He’s too hot for this house. I’m convinced Mom is living out her MILF dreams," she said playfully as I laughed—too loud.Too fast. My cheeks were flaming up.

"You find him hot too, like seriously?" I asked in a whisper.

"Of course! Who in their right mind wouldn't? I bet even the guys would willingly submit to him," she answered, then sighed heavily.

"It's quite a shame he's off-limits," she said as she stood up.

I felt worse than ever and more guilty hearing those words from her.

"Get some sleep, Arielle. I'll talk to you tomorrow," she said softly, then walked to the door and turned to look at me.

I nodded and quickly got under the covers, laying my head on the pillow.

"Goodnight, Raya."

"Goodnight, baby sis," she answered, then turned off the lights and walked out.

The house became too quiet again. The kind of silence that pressed against my eardrums and made my every breath feel too loud.

I shifted, tangled in the sheets like I was fighting demons for my sleep—which I desperately needed because I had early classes. My eyes stared up at the cracked ceiling for hours, dry and burning.Every time I blinked, my thoughts went back to him.

Cassian.

What the hell was wrong with me?

He was the man I wasn't supposed to be thinking about!

It wasn't like I had never dated anyone before or had ever seen a naked man!

There were times I came across videos of men being intimate with women while some were jerking off. Curiosity got the best of me, so I watched, but I was never this shaken.

Then was the reason I felt like this—was it because of the rawness of it all? Or was it because I was seeing a sexy man doing it in person?

I shook my head and swallowed hard as images of him invaded my mind: his strong back, the way his hips moved in rhythm, how my name spilled from his lips like a confession.

I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over, but the images only sharpened in the dark.

I groaned softly into my pillow, fisting the sheets, trying to will myself to forget.

After minutes of failure went by, I grabbed my phone and opened a browser tab.

Distraction. That is exactly what I needed to forget about him.

I slowly typed:

“How to forget what you saw.”  

Then I backspaced it.

“Can you hallucinate something real?”

“What does it mean when someone says your name while—”

NOPE.

I dropped my phone on my chest with a sigh and stared at the screen glowing in the darkness.

It was useless; even if I scrolled through Roddat threads and random Youmine videos about conspiracy theories, I couldn’t burn the memory from my mind.

Time passed, and I felt too exhausted to even rise from my bed and relieve myself.

I didn’t know how, but the sky outside the window slowly lightened, shifting from navy to grey, and the chirping of birds taunted me, only to tell me that it was morning.

This was the very first time in my life that I felt like screaming like a madwoman and breaking everything breakable in my room. Yet I couldn't even bring myself to do so because it would only make it worse by getting me the attention I wanted to avoid.