CHAPTER THREE - The Heartbeat

Elara’s POV

“Elara, are you sure about this? You know that you cannot even donate bone marrow today, having done the abortion. It will take your body a couple of weeks to get back on its feet.” The doctor said.

I could sense a tightening in my chest. A few weeks. Weeks Damien may not even possess.

But I nodded. "Yes... I know." My voice was unfamiliar as though it was not mine. But it is better to wait a few weeks certain, and without a baby, than to wait uncertainly how long with a baby... and without certainty.”

He nodded and his face softened. "I understand. I'll respect your decision."

Respect. The term hurt was more than I anticipated. It gave it all too real.

“Go back to your ward, rest,” he continued. “I will send a nurse to ready you and start the business in a moment.”

I stood up. I could not stand, and yet I walked--not to myself, not to the baby, not to anything, but to Damien. The next step was heavier than the previous one. As I entered my ward, and the door was shut behind me, the room seemed too silent.

It was at that point that the reality struck me.

I was pregnant. I had a baby inside me. A heartbeat. A life.

And I was about to end it.

I sat down on the bed gradually.

My hand reached automatically to my lower abdomen. I didn't even feel pregnant. I had not time to be happy. I did not have the shock, the joy, the nervous excitement that other women had found when they had found something like this. I did not even have a chance to smile or shed happy tears or think about what the baby would be like.

I received this alone--sorrow and impatience.

I uttered a little sob, and clasped a hand over my mouth. I could not suppress tears before they came into my eyes.

I am sorry, I said to the little life within me, and my voice shook. "I'm so sorry."

The back of my hand wiped roughly on the tears. I had to pull myself together. There was no room now to be weak.

It is worth it, I said to myself again, looking at the ceiling. Give me a baby once, Damien, and he can give me another. I'll save him. I'll save him first. That is more important at this time.

I continued to repeat it until my chest stopped shaking.

A few minutes later, a nurse came in through the door. She possessed a sweet countenance, the sort of countenance that kept you safe when all was going wrong. She had a folded hospital dress in one arm.

"Elara?" she said softly. "The doctor informed me. We need to prepare you."

I shook my head, and could not believe my voice.

She made me stand, and led me behind a little curtain. My fingers were trembling, and I put on the gown. It was cold and unpleasant to my skin, and the room in the hospital was colder now, too.

When she had knotted the back of the gown she put my pulse to the test and talked, almost as though she was afraid to make things worse.

"We'll take you in soon."

I nodded again.

Two orderlies arrived to take me out in a wheel, and the nurse followed behind them pacing the bed. The lights in the hallway were too bright, nearly excessive, and the air was filled with a sharp scent of disinfectant. I looked at the lights that were going over my head, one, two, three, four, five, six.

I gulp and looked at the nurse.

"Can I..." I stuttered, and then dragged the words out. "Can I hear my baby's heartbeat? Just once?"

The nurse looked, and nodded his head. "I'll check if we can do that. Wait here."

She vanished a minute as they rolled my wheeled bed into a small preparation room. My heart was throbbing like a pain. I did not know whether it would be easier or more difficult to hear the heart beat.

Probably harder.

But I needed it.

The nurse came back with a portable ultrasound machine. She established it fast with her movements being efficient yet soft.

Lift up your gown a little, she said.

My hands shook as I did. She rubbed cool gel on my stomach. My breath had frozen when the probe touched my skin.

Please... let me hear it.

In another couple of seconds a small, fast noise came into the room.

A tiny, fast heartbeat.

My baby.

Nothing had struck me worse than the sound in the whole day. My vision became blurred in a second, and the tears were streaming down my cheeks before I could help them.

That is the heartbeat of your baby, the nurse said, as though she had been scared to interrupt the moment.

I bit my lip, and had a hard time keeping myself together. I was not aware that I could fall in love with something I never felt. But to hear that sound... it was true. The baby was real.

My throat burned.

It was the last and the first time I would hear it.

The gel was wiped off by the nurse. we must go now, she said to herself.

I nodded, unable to speak. I lost my voice, caught behind all the feelings struggling in me.

They took me into the operation room. Lights above were even more harsh. Machines beeped softly. A mask was drawn down on my face.

"Deep breaths," someone said.

The beating of my heart was very loud in my ears. Tears were streaming down my sides. I shut my eyes and the mask was drawn over my mouth and nose.

This is in honor of Damien, I said to myself.

My breaths grew heavier. Slower. I started to lose everything around me and the anesthesia started to take its effect.

I heard it right before I was swallowed by the darkness--

Panicked voice of a nurse.

"Oh no!"