CHAPTER TWO- The Impossible Choice

Elara's POV

I attempted to get the thought of the lipstick out of my mind, to forget the questions that were churning like a hurricane. I could not, and I had to concentrate on what was really important-Damien. I had to save him. My thoughts could not permit me to think of anything.

“Doctor,” I said, in a weak, but resolute voice, “may I be tested to know whether I can be a bone marrow donor or not?”

He gazed at me, with a seriousness, though not with surprise. "Yes, Elara. We can run the tests," he said. The reason is, if you are a match, it would save the life of Damien.”

I nodded, and swallowed the knot in my throat. "Then let's do it."

One of the nurses came out and took me to a small sterile room. She described how it was done, and her voice was calm and professional as she was about to take a blood sample. I nodded once more, in an attempt to control my shaking hands. The needle was inserted and I flinched when the nurse took the blood.

As I waited the results, I thought of Damien, of that lipstick stain that I had noticed previously. I felt tight in the chest and had to bite my lip to prevent my uttering aloud. I wasn't wearing lipstick. I had not kissed him that morning. So how had he gotten the mark?

Questions began to tumble in my head, tumbling, tumbling. Why was he carrying lipstick on his lips? Had someone kissed him? Who?

Then my stomach turned when the shade struck me. The color... it was the one that Mira had on every day. The same pale pink with which she always insisted on appearing to make her look innocent and sweet. My heart rate increased and I had a mixture of shock and disbelief in my heart.

No... it couldn't be. Could it?

I shook my head, which I was attempting to get the image out of my mind. Mira was mean sometimes, yes. She might be mean in her words, inconsiderate, self-centred even--but she would not go so low. She wouldn't. She could not... kiss my husband.

I attempted to relax, to inhale. Even when I was angry, even when it felt like something was tightening my chest, I could not name it, logic opposed it. Mira may be savage, but she was not... that. She couldn't be.

Yet, I was unable to get rid of the anger that was slowly growing in my chest. There, stewing, winding through my mind, as I attempted to concentrate on Damien.

"Elara?" The voice of the nurse brought me to my senses. I opened my eyes and saw that she was grasping my results in her hand.

"Yes?" I asked, scarcely able to maintain my voice.

“You are a perfect match,” said she with a smile. “Your bone marrow is an exact match of Damien.”

My heart skipped a beat, and then I was about to say something, when her next words startled me.

“But,”she went on, her voice now serious, “you cannot donate... since you are pregnant.”

I froze. My lips were open, though there was nothing to say at first. Pregnant? I... I didn't understand. I hadn't known. I hadn't felt anything. I was dizzy and nauseous over the last few weeks but I had attributed it to the frequent blood transfusions. Lightheadedness, weakness- normal side effects.

"I... I'm pregnant?" I said, with a trembling voice.

"Yes," the nurse said gently. "That's why you cannot donate. Health to you and the baby first, but that, unfortunately, in this instance, is to say to Damien that he must have a new donor.”

I shut my eyes, and attempted to calm down the burst of panic and guilt which suddenly came over me. "So... what do we do?" I asked finally. "Is there... another way?"

The nurse shook her head. “We will have to find new donors. It may require time and he does not have much.”

Time. I could hear that word ringing in my ears like a deafening bell in a deserted room. I had no time. I needed to save him, but... I couldn't. Not without putting the pregnancy at risk, of which I had not even been aware.

I struggled to my feet, feebly, and returned to the office of the doctor. My legs seemed to be on the point of giving way under me, but I pushed myself on.

“Doctor,” I said immediately I came in, and I was gasping. "I... I can't donate. I'm... pregnant."

He gazed at me solemnly nodding. "I understand, Elara. That makes it quite complicated. But you must know... Your husband is out of time... his eyes looked up at me, grim and uncompromising. In the absence of a donor, his condition will keep deteriorating. You are his best chance. Unless you donate, you can lose him.”

I cleared my throat, which was tight, and the burden of reality was upon me. The fear that I had experienced a few moments ago was combined with fatigue and anxiety. I felt that my heart sunk, when the truth was so plainly revealed.

"I... I understand," I whispered. "Thank you, doctor."

I slowly strolled back to the ward of Damien, with each step wearing me out. As I arrived there I sat by his bed and gazed at him. He appeared so weak, smaller somehow, an echo of the man he was. The helplessness of not being able to do anything to save him tore at my chest.

But then my eyes were on his lips. That lipstick made my anger rise.

I had to find a way to save him. My anger could wait.

I got out of the chair, which was not going down with my body and walked to the doctor in the office again.

"I... I would like to get rid of the baby, I said in a trembling but firm voice.