A Big Girl

SIRI

Jackson came in when we were setting up the dinner table. 

I tried hard not to look at him even though my fingers shook slightly. Not from fear, or tension, but from excitement. A stupid excitement because it felt like we had a moment back in the arena. Like a secret just us two knew. Something that was about just us two. 

It was silly. I know it was, but… my heart skipped a beat every time I thought about how he had laughed, and I was the cause of that laughter, and I was the only one who knew. 

Pfft. Siri, get your head together. 

“Oh, you’re here early,” Lilian said as Jackson approached the dining room. 

“I had to abandon them,” he said with a dramatic sigh.

His mother sighed as he walked to her. She cleaned her hands on her apron and reached for him. He leaned down so she could grab his face with both hands, and I watched, my chest tight and warm, as she kissed his cheeks affectionately, a soft look in her eyes. 

Were they good now? And if I had a mother, would she love me the way these two loved each other?

“You did really well today,” she whispered while still caressing his cheeks. 

Jackson had smugness dripping out of his pores. 

“Yes. I was playing to impress today.” 

He said that, and he didn't look my way, but I swear one of his fingers twitched in my direction.

What…?

Lilian’s eyes narrowed. “I did notice you staring at someone in the crowd. Who was that?”

“Someone.”

Her eyes narrowed even more. “So you already found someone so soon?”

He smiled. “Maybe. Who knows?”

“Come to think about it, you’re really cheery today.”

“I won.”

“You’ve won before.”

“Can a man not be happy about winning a game, Mother dear?”

She huffed, and let go of his face. “Come help us set up.”

“Good game, Jackson,” my father said, and I noticed that Lilian stiffened a little, the same way I did. 

We were both thinking this wouldn't go well, and Jackson would ignore him.

But Jackson shocked us both when he gave a small nod. “Thanks.”

My father nodded as well. Almost as one, Lilian and I relaxed. Well… that went well. 

Jackson finally looked at me as he walked towards the kitchen. His face gave nothing away, but those eyes… Those grey eyes… 

“You played well today,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady as he walked towards me.

“Thank you, Siri,” he replied softly as he walked past me, his shoulder brushing mine, his pinkie finger doing the same. 

To the two adults, it might have seemed like a simple touch, barely anything, but to me, it was a touch that sent a jolt straight to my brain. 

Dinner started with the air light, and we almost seemed like… normal people, chatting and laughing at almost nothing. 

Jackson was sitting opposite me, and I tried not to look at him, even though I could feel him glancing at me. And then Lilian looked at me with her eyebrows wiggling. 

“You didn't come home last night,” she said, and my heart skipped a beat. She said it as a joke, just teasing, but my body immediately locked up. 

“I was at a friend’s,” I muttered, stuffing my face full of potatoes.

“A friend?” my father asked, and I raised my head slowly to see an eyebrow raised, and in his eyes there was almost… amusement. “I didn't know you had friends, Siri.”

The table went quiet, and my grip tightened around my fork. He said it lazily, with a soft voice, but I knew better. 

“Yes, father, I do have a friend,” I shot back, my voice hard. “I’m an adult. I don't have to tell you about everything and everyone in my life.”

He just chuckled softly. “There’s no need to get defensive, Siri. I'm just curious to know about this friend. We were worried last night. Why don’t you invite them over so we could get to know them?”

He knew. He knew I was lying, and I didn't have any friends. And he was mocking me, rubbing it into my face that he knew I was alone. My grip tightened around the fork so hard that my knuckles popped. 

“I don't think they would like to meet you,” I snarled. 

He tilted my head. “Oh? And why’s that?”

I opened my mouth, but Jackson beat me to it. “Because Siri is an adult who can have a life outside this house. We don't have to know everything about it.”

Marshall was caught off guard.

“Agreed,” Lilian added. “She’s allowed to have secrets, and privacy. So if she has a friend you don't know about, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I stared down at my plate, my eyes burning. 

My father chuckled nervously. “I know that, dear. I was just worried when she didn't come home last night.”

“She’s a big girl,” Lilian said softly. “She can handle herself.”

I didn't look up from my plate, and ate slowly, hoping the potatoes and chicken could push the lump down my throat. 

Ever since that morning I cried in Lilian’s arms, she's been friendlier and freer with me. Not awkward or getting into my space, but asking me soft questions, making sure I eat, and just those things I expected a mother would do. 

And Jackson… I didn't expect him to stand up for me so boldly. 

No… no one has ever, ever done that for me before. And I've always fought my battle alone. 

My hand holding the fork shook, and tears welled up in my eyes. I stood up suddenly, my chair scraping on the carpet, and all heads turned towards me. 

I still kept my head down, hoping the tears didn't drop now. “Uhm… I-I’m going to turn in for the night. Thank you for dinner.” 

“Good night, dear,” Lilian said softly, and I was already moving. 

I ran up the stairs as the first tear fell. I got to my room just in time before the second one could fall. I locked the door and rested my back on it, sliding down until I was a broken mess on the floor. 

I raised my legs, and pressed my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I buried my face in the middle, and the tears just dropped quietly.

This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all. 

This was temporary, and they would leave in maybe a few months, or, if I was lucky, a year. What then? I would be alone again after tasting what it feels like to have people behind you? Would I be left standing alone again? 

This wasn't good, and it hurts so much. 

I didn't know how long I sat there, and my tears dried up. Then I heard a soft knock on my door.

“Siri,” Jackson’s voice came from behind me, soft and filled with things it shouldn't be filled with. “Will you let me in?”