Struck A Nerve

Silence settled in the hotel room, so heavy and cold. We were standing close to each other, his warmth reaching out for mine, but something in his eyes was so cold, so distant. For a while he said nothing, and that was worse than if he had been shouting. 

And then he nodded. Just once. “Right.” 

I nodded too, trying to keep my chin high. “Right.” 

“I get it now.”

“Good.”

“Just sexual.”

“Yes.”

Another nod. “Then I apologize for misunderstanding the arrangement.”

Something cold and weird crawled up my spine. I take a step towards him. Jackson–”

“No, no. I get it, Siri. You've made yourself perfectly clear. From the very beginning, you have. I was just the fool here.” He smiled, but there was nothing warm in it. So unlike his usual smile. “Sex. That's all you want from me.” 

I struggled to keep my chin high even as my fists trembled. “Yes, Jackson. That’s what I said.”

“And I agree with you. I’m finally agreeing with you.” 

Why did that hurt? Why the fuck did that hurt? But still, I didn't break. “Good then.”

“Brillant.” 

Jackson turned away from me, returning his attention to his luggage, and I stared at his back, something tightening around my chest until I blurted out, “That’s it?”

He didn't stop what he was doing. He didn't look at me. “What do you expect me to say?”

I threw my hands out in frustration. “I… I don't know, okay?”

He paused for a second. “Then neither do I.”

Watching his tense back, his cold eyes that lacked any warmth, was making something that felt a whole lot like panic wrap itself around my chest and make it hard to breathe. Just five minutes ago, I had wanted him to stop ignoring me, to stop acting like I didn't exist. Now he was giving me what I wanted, and I wanted to grab something and throw it at his stupid head. I… I wanted something from him, so I snarled, “You’re still being childish.”

That got him. He turned around so quickly I almost flinched, fire melting away the ice in his eyes. “No, Siri, I'm giving you exactly what you wanted.” 

“I didn't ask you to act like a stranger!”

His laugh was sharp and cutting. He shook his head. “Oh. That’s fucking rich.”

“What?” I snapped. 

“You don't want me to act like a stranger, but God forbid anyone knows we’re anything but strangers.”

“That’s not the same fucking thing!”

He shook his head again like he was disappointed, and I really wanted to throw something at that head. 

“It’s always different with you, isn't it?”

I stared at him with my eyes hard and chest heaving. He stared back with just as much fire. He took a slow step towards me, and it took everything in me not to step back. 

He opened his damn mouth. “You can hold me when you want comfort. You can crawl into my bed when you’re lonely. You can come to my game and–”

"Don't," I bite out, my hands shaking. 

He went on, taking another step closer to me, and I still didn't move.

“You can come to my game and look at me like I was the only person in that large space.”

“I said don’t.” 

There was a bite in his eyes that I didn't think he possessed. A hardness in his voice that I thought he was incapable of. “You could do all that, but the moment I asked you to sit beside me on a bloody plane, I'm asking for too much.”

I fought the urge to grab my hair. “Because people will see!” 

“YES!” he roared, making me take a step back. “That’s the fucking point!” 

I froze completely on the spot, staring wide-eyed at him. 

“That’s the point, Siri! I want to be seen with you!”

My throat closed off, that stupid burning back in my eyes. My hands shook harder as the lie flowed out of my lips: “Well, I don't want to be seen with you.”

His face fell, and God, the sight broke something in me. He stared at me for a long moment, not bothering to hide the pain in his eyes, and then he nodded. Once. twice. 

He kept nodding as he said, “Well, now we’re finally getting somewhere.”

I… I can't do this. 

It hurts. It hurts so much, and yet what hurts more was seeing that look on his face, that look he was trying so hard to feign. “Don’t do that. Don't try to act like you don't care.”

His eyes widened slightly, and then he threw his head back and laughed, the sound ringing in the room and echoing in my ears like an alarm. 

“What the bloody fuck is this? Huh? You’ve spent the last ten fucking minutes telling me I’m nothing more than a fuck toy to you, and now you’re upset because I’m not sufficiently devastated in front of you? Am I a fucking joke to you, Siri?”

My voice finally broke, my shoulders dropping. “I never said you’re nothing to me.”

“No, you just called what we have sexual.”

“Because that was the agreement, Jackson!”

“Fuck the agreement! And stop bloody hiding behind the fucking agreement!”

“I’m not hiding!”

“Your entire bloody life is hiding!”  

The words cracked through the room like a whip, and I flinched. Jackson did too, but he didn't take those words back. No, he went on, his eyes shining with pain. 

“You hide from those bastards in school. You hide from whatever happened with Michael.” Another flinch shook my body, and he just went on. “You hide from me, and worse of all, you hide from yourself, and then dress up as you protecting people.”

“Shut up,” I gritted as I took a step back, not wanting to listen to this any longer, but he also took a step forward, his eyes burning into mine. 

“You’re not protecting me, Siri.”

Another step backward, another one forward. 

“Shut the fuck up!” 

My back hit the door, and there was nowhere else to run to. He closed the last step between us, our bodies so close but not touching. 

He looked down at me, that hardness and pain shining bright in his eyes as he said, “Because if no one knows the way you care about me, then no one can use it against you.”

“You know nothing,” I spat, wanting to hurt him the way he was hurting me. 

“Yes, because you’ve made sure I don't." He took a half step forward, his chest brushing against mine. “I’m going to tell you something, and you better fucking listen.” His breath fanned over my cheeks as he spoke, hot just like the rest of him was. “You don't get to decide that you’re going to ruin me. You don't get to decide that you’re a stain in my life, something that needs to be hidden away. And you don't get to tell me how I’m supposed to feel for being treated like a dirty fucking little secret.”

Tears pricked between my eyes. “I never called you dirty.”

He shook his head, his voice softening. “No. You called yourself dirty and decided that standing beside you is somehow going to make me the same.”

My breath caught as he struck a nerve, my jaw clenched.

Fuck him. 

Fuck him. 

FUCK HIM!

I tried to push him out of the way so I could leave, but he was an immovable wall. 

“Step aside, Jackson.” 

“No,” he said in that low, soft voice. 

I pushed him again. And again. And again. And soon tears were dripping down my cheeks, and I was hitting his chest with fists that shook, my teeth gritted. 

FUCK HIM!