A Weakness

I can count how many times I have let someone see me cry on one hand. I try as much as possible to keep my tears sucked up, because tears are a weakness, and letting someone see your weakness is a terrible idea that could be used against you later. So I tried not to cry in front of others. 

But for the second time in a short while, I was crying in front of someone again. But this wasn't the soft sob on Lilian’s shoulder: this was wailing. Ugly tears, if you will, filled with so many things I didn't want to feel.

“Fuck you!” I screamed as I hit his chest again. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”

He didn't move. He did nothing to stop me or catch my fists. He just let them keep coming down on his chest, over and over again. And that only made me angrier, and the tears more intense. 

“So what if I don't want to get you dirty?!” I screamed, looking up at his face and his pained expression. “What if I don't want you tainted?! What’s so bad about that, Jackson? You don't know anything!” Another hit, my fists shaking. “You don’t know what they know! You don’t know what they’ll say!” His jaw tightened, and he opened his mouth, but I just went on. “You don’t know what they’ll show you!”

Everything stopped. I froze completely. My fists. My tears. Jackson. My eyes were wide as I stared at him, realizing what just slipped. 

“What they’ll show me?” he asked, his voice rough. 

I dropped my hands, wiping angrily at my stupid tears. I looked away from him. “Forget it.” 

I stepped away, and this time he let me, but he didn't give it up. 

“Siri–”

“I said forget it!”

The bastard didn't. “Does this have something to do with Michael?” 

My stomach dropped, and I couldn't hide the reaction on my face fast enough, and he caught it. 

He nodded. “It does, doesn't it?”

I pointed at him. “Don’t.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “You do–”

“No, you promise. You promised you won’t dig. You won't ask.”

He stared at me with that pulled eyebrow before he closed his eyes, nodding. “Okay. I won't ask.”

My shoulders dropped. I didn't think–

“But that doesn't change what I said.” 

My shoulders tightened immediately. Of course it fucking doesn't. 

He went on, ignoring my harsh expression. “I don’t need you protecting me, Siri.” His voice was quieter now, but anger and hurt still lay beneath it. “If being beside you destroys my reputation, let it fucking burn. That’s my choice.”

I glared at him. “You say that now…”

“It’s not going to change. And you don't get to tell me what I'll say later.”

I scoffed softly, shaking my head. “God, you’re fucking impossible.” 

“And you’re infuriating."

I scoffed again. “I hate you.”

I said it as a joke, but his jaw still tightened. “No, you don’t.”

And that pissed me off all over again, because who does he think he is? 

“Stop telling me how I feel!”

Something almost hysterical flashed across his face, and his lips lifted. He raised an eyebrow, looking too smug for comfort. 

“Oh, now we’re getting it, are we?”

I stared at him. He stared right back. And then the meaning behind those words hit me. 

Oh. 

Oh, this bastard!

I shook my head. “That is not the same thing.”

A vein popped in his forehead. “It’s the same bloody thing!”

“No, it’s NOT!”

“It is, and welcome to my bloody point, Siri!”

He inhaled deeply, rubbing the inner corners of his eyes. He pointed at the table without looking away from me. 

“Go eat, Siri. Shower, and then we’ll go see Stockholm. The food should still be warm.” 

I stared at him, my chest tight. 

He dropped his hand from his eyes, his expression tight as he asked, his body coiled tight with tension like he was bracing for a blow, “What now?”

“That’s it?” I asked, my voice too thick. “That’s… it? We’re cool just like this?”

He threw his hands up in frustration. “Do you want us to stay angry at each other? Act like we don't know each other when we’re in the same hotel suite?”

“No,” I answered, and his shoulders dropped, surprise flickering in his eyes.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Okay, good, because me neither, Siri. I don't like this heat between us. So we’re cool, okay?”

My throat was tight as I nodded. 

I had this sudden urge to… hug him. I had expected him to go back to ignoring me, me not being able to apologize, and the air suffocating between us. 

He was too good to be true. 

I know I wasn't easy to deal with—seriously, I know. I was a self-aware woman—but Jackson… Jackson was too good.

“Go shower, Siri,” he said softly, and all I could just do was nod.

I wanted to hug him. Hold him, but… I couldn't. 

So when I walked past him, I brushed my arm against his, and he stiffened. I froze when he turned suddenly and hugged me from behind, wrapping his arms around my chest. He pushed his nose into my hair, inhaling a shaky breath. 

“I hated that,” he whispered, his voice rough. “That argument. I hated it with every fiber of my being. So let’s… let’s not do it again, okay? I will respect your choice not to be seen with me. I will ask for nothing you can't give me. I won’t pretend I'm okay with it, but I… I'll be patient, Siri. I'll be patient and give you whatever time you need to figure this shit out. Just… don’t shut me out completely." 

My throat closed up, and fresh tears burned my eyes. 

He wasn't even trying to hide his feelings anymore. He wasn't trying to hide that thick adoration in his voice. He showed it without shame, without fear of judgment or rejection. 

“For now, I'll be satisfied with just holding you like this. I’ll be satisfied with seeing you smile and that smile aimed at me. I want you to keep looking at me in that arena like I'm all you see. I want your attention to keep being on me. I’m sorry if this is asking for too much, but just… just…”

“Jackson…” I whispered, my voice cracking.

His arms tightened around my chest, his nose digging deeper into my hair. 

“Please, Siri. I am not above falling to my knees and begging. We will keep your “just sexual” wall between us, but allow me to be a bit selfish.” He placed a soft kiss at the top of my head, and I inhaled a shaky breath when I felt how tender it was. “Please…”

Slowly, I nodded, a tear slipping down my cheek. I felt his shaky exhale. He released me, clearing his throat. 

“Go on. A new city awaits.”