Chapter #5

"Ahhh! SON OF A BITCH! I screamed in pain and I felt inmes pain in my left knee and it was getting worse and worse. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse than they already have, this happened! Ahh...How unlucky I am that this should happen to me. But not at all. Perhaps, say how lucky I am that I am not broken by what has happened, and I am not afraid of what is about to happen. Because the same blow might have stricken anyone, but not many would have absorbed it without capitulation and complaint. I am just used to this.

I struggled to stand on my feet and, after a few failed attempts, to get up. I literally gave up because I had no energy left to move an inch further and that's when I began dragging my lower half on the ground using my arms to the nearest tree. I was humping and my knees and elbows were all bruised.

Once, I reached the nearest tree. I pulled myself half up and rolled myself on my back and sat down, using the support of the tree.

My left leg felt wet so I rolled up the jeans to my knee to see. My knees were bleeding out. The pouring stopped and I took off my hoodie and pressed it against my knee to stop the bleeding by putting pressure.

One by one, drops fell from my eyes like they were on an assembly line - gather, fall, slide...gather, fall, slide...each one commemorating something she had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Beauty. Freedom. Innocence. Love.I clench my teeth as tears come. I am fed up. I am fed up with tears and weakness. But there isn't much I can do to stop them. I heard the footsteps getting closer and closer and I had no desire left to move forward. As I looked out at the water, I realized there was nowhere to go, nowhere left to run. And I just had to stay here, facing this terrible truth. I felt, as more tears fell, just how tired I was, a tiredness that had nothing to do with the hour. I was tired of running away from this, tired of not telling people, tired of not talking about it, tired of pretending things were okay when they had never, ever been less than okay.

As I was looking around I remembered this place, it's where Azelaic proposed to me for the first time and I will never forget that day.

Flash back.

The sun was shining in the sky, the wind was blowing my hair in the air when I saw Azelaic was waiting for me on the lake. I received a note from him, telling me to find him near the lake.

The last time I saw him was a week ago when he told me that he didn't want me to be around him and I don't know what has been happening to him lately. But he was acting strangely around me. Sometimes he wants to be with me, but sometimes he doesn't. He puzzles me every day. I don't want to get in trouble for sneaking out of school to meet him. If my father found out that I was skipping school he would kill me.

This is the last time I came here to talk to him and clear things out between us.

" Azelaic," I called him, but he didn't reply. He was lost in his thoughts; he didn't even realize that I was coming. I advanced towards him and placed my hand over his shoulder to attract his attention. He immediately grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, it happened so quickly yet so slowly and I didn't have time to react.

He smiled at me still, broadly and without restraint or hesitation. Azelaic had never smiled at me like that.Azelaic had never made my breath catch, just a little bit.

The feeling was startling enough that I walked out, grasping the crumpled paper in my pocket as if doing so could somehow keep that answering smile from tugging on my lips.

" Azel...?" he didn't let me finish my sentence by putting his finger on my lips.

" Shhhh! Don't say anything, just listen to me. I wanted to tell you something. Something very important."

We were standing still, staring into each other's eyes.

" I fell in love with you, and I knew I could never have you. I couldn't pretend to be Pru any longer. I loved you so much, and I couldn't-"

His words were abruptly smothered.

" I couldn't live without you. I am sorry for pushing you away and I realized that it was the biggest mistake of my life. Please Aisling forgive me."

I froze like a statue. I wouldn't have expected him to say these words to me.

He kissed me, I realized dazedly. What did it mean? What did he want? What... but my thoughts dissolved, and I stopped trying to make sense of anything.

His arms had closed around me, one hand gripping the back of my neck. Shaken to my soul, I molded against him. He licked deep, his kiss strong and savage. It had to be a dream, and yet my senses insisted it was real, the scent and warmth and toughness of him engulfing me. He pulled me even more tightly against him, making it difficult to breathe. I didn't care. The pleasure of the kiss suffused me, drugged me, and when he pulled his head back, I protested with a bewildered moan.

He forced me to look back at him. "Loved?" I asked hoarsely. "Past tense?"

"Present tense," he managed to say.

"You told me to find you."

"I didn't mean to send you that note."

"But you did. You wanted me."

"Yes." He bent and pressed his mouth to me.

Those gray eyes looked into mine, no longer bright as hell's frost, but soft as smoke. "I love you, Aisling."

Present

" I love you too," I said when I opened my eyes. And he was standing there looking at me. His eyes'd changed colors from golden to icy blue and now, they were a deep emerald green, the exact same color as mine, and they glowed with an intensity I had never witnessed before. A slash of silver crossed each one, the moon's reflection making them sparkle like dancing crystals. The emerald irises appeared to be swirling in circles, creating the illusion that his eyes were never-ending. Flecks of darker emerald clustered around each pupil made my breath catch in my throat. Suddenly, from cold or horror, I could not speak. The sodden blanket was heavy, the coldness in my heart flowed out and turned the whole world cold—there was no warm place. The thoughts I had frozen in order not to feel them grew monstrous, freezing everything else.

" Where have you been hiding, little girl?" he said, and a low smile appeared on his face. I remember then the devil didn't smile. He grins and he grins. I tried to get up.

" Ahh! son of a bitch! It hurts! I said and narrowed his eyes on me first and then traveled down to my leg which was covered by my hoodie. He moved forward to me and I knew it wasn't good. My face is turning pale. I fear him and make frantic moves to search for something to protect myself, something sharp. As I find myself, a sharp edge rocks and I hide behind my back,And stay silent until he stops in front of me.

He got down on his knees and outstretched his hand towards me.I clutched my chest, feeling my heart racing, and I squeezed my eyes shut. And between us there is a long stretch of silence that occupies. I am looking forward to my death because I knew I couldn't run away from my death.

A few moments passed but nothing happened, so, I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me, but he didn't say anything to me, just a blank page with no expression. He lifts the hoodie and pushes it to the side.

And he reached toward me. There was perhaps half a second before his fingertip touched me when all the fine stood on my arm stand straight and my heart seize and I know, in a scrabbling, animalish way, that I shouldn't let him touch me, that I should scream for help- but it is too late.

His finger was cold against my skin. Beyond cold. An aching, burning, tooth-hurting absence of heat. My body drains desperately toward it, but the cold is ravenous. My lips try to form words but they feel numb and clumsy, as if I'd been out walking in freezing wind.

He inspected my wound closely and then lifted his head up and said, " I don't think it's that bad. The way you are crying in pain."

I was surprised to hear his statement. How can he act like nothing has happened? He wanted to kill me a second ago, but now he is caring for me. Maybe he wants to gain my trust and then kill me. I clutched the rock tight in my hand.

" Are you really being sarcastic?" I finally spoke to him.

" Wait a second," he says and digs his hand into his pocket and takes out a handkerchief. He tried to wrap it around my wounded knee.

" Don't you dare touch me! I don't want your mercy. I've met a lot of people like you in my life who just fake things up in front of your face and backstab." I said and moved my leg away from him.

He just stayed quiet and didn't listen to me at all. As he roughly grabs my leg and pulls me closer.

I got angry with him because of him, this happened to me, and he was just giving orders to me. He finally wrapped the handkerchief around my knee tightly and told me to give him my hand.

" Why? I am not giving you my hand."

He forcefully grabs me from my arm as I hide my right hand.

" You know, I hate those people who don't take my orders because they are so far in their fucking mind that they don't even acknowledge who is standing in front of them."

He held on to her as if I was a grudge, my body rigid and tense, I really didn't want him there, and his arms were tight around my waist as if he had no intention of ever letting me go.He shifted me higher in his arms, his lips curving gently against the cold rim of my ear.

" But... “ he paused. I am clutching the lapels of his jacket. I stood and my heart was racing too hard, too fast. My chest ached from the strain of breathing. My lashes lifted, but all I could see was a shower of sparks. I couldn’t. My lungs were about to burst. No matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t get enough air. Bees … the sound of buzzing was still in my ears.

" I know how to teach an untamed wolf like you a life lesson." I heard his voice as if from a great distance, and I felt his arms go around me again as I sank into layers of gray softness.

After what could have been a minute or an hour, pleasant sensations filtered through the haze. A tender pressure moved over my forehead. The gentle brushes touched my eyelids, slid into my cheeks. Strong arms held me against a comfortingly hard surface, while a clean, lilac scent filled my nostrils.

The butterflies are working their way up from my stomach into my head, making me feel dizzy, and I try to calm myself by imagining the ocean outside, its ragged breathing, the seagulls turning pinwheels in the sky.

It will be over soon, I tell myself. It will be over soon and then you’ll go home, and you’ll never have to think about the evaluation again. His face is getting blurry second by second. My eyelids felt heavy... closing slowly... the darkness enveloped me and he shook me, trying to wake me up, but I am long gone into the darkness.