Unsettled Desire

Robin and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. At some point, he told me how he felt, but back then I didn’t take it seriously. We were just kids—we played together, shared everything, spent most of our time side by side. Looking back now, I realize he never let any other guy get too close to me. I thought it was just him being protective. To me, he was like a brother, nothing more. Who would have thought he’d end up actually becoming my brother?

“Are you good?” I asked, brushing his hand off mine. I watched his face closely, waiting to see if he’d be upset that I pulled away. Thankfully, our parents hadn’t noticed anything between Robin and I.

“Yes, I’m good,” he replied.

His voice had grown deeper, heavier, almost unsettling. And the way he looked at me—his eyes lingered in a way that made me wonder if he still held onto those old feelings. I forced a smile, pretending his little stunt hadn’t bothered me.

“Are you both getting along?” my mum cut in.

Her face glowed, just like it always did whenever my dad came home from work. She was helplessly in love with Mr. Fred, and I doubted she could ever pull herself out of it. If she was happy, then I told myself I was happy too. But for some reason, something felt wrong.

Every time Mr. Fred’s gaze lingered on me, a strange rush stirred inside me. I wasn’t sure if it showed, but I caught myself stealing glances back at him.

"Sure, of course, why not," I lied.

"I see," my mum said. "Ariana just got admitted into SUNY—"

"That’s amazing news. Robin goes there too, he’s in his final year," Mr. Fred cut in.

"You don’t say..... You never mentioned that?" my mum replied, looking surprised.

"Oh, it’s nothing—"

"If you’re so wealthy, why send him to a public university? Does he go from home too, like my mother insists I do?" I interrupted.

"He’s all I’ve got," Mr. Fred replied without hesitation, taking a bite of food. "After I lost his mum, I couldn’t let him go too far. And yes, he goes from home."

"It’s not like I want to," Robin muttered under his breath.

"And Ariana," my mum continued,

"since Mr. Fred and I will be getting married, we’ll be moving into his place. It’s more comfortable and very close to school. You and Robin could even go together—"

"What are we? Twelve? We’re not kids, Mum. I’ll be fine on my own." I snapped.

"I don’t mind dropping you off—"

"Shut the f*** up," I snapped, dragging out the words as I turned to glare at Robin.

It was already hard enough knowing I would have a new father. What made it worse was the strange, unsettling feeling that grew inside me every time I looked at him. Now, we were about to move into his house—my worst nightmare coming to life. And then there was Robin. What does he really want from me?

Dinner finally came to an end. My mum and I exchanged a few words while clearing the dishes before heading to bed. Lying in the dark, I couldn’t stop imagining the next four years of my life in that house with Mr. Fred and his son. None of it looked promising. But for my mum’s sake, I knew I had to endure it.

The days blurred into months, and before I knew it, two years had passed. By then, my mum and Mr. Fred finally tied the knot, and I was already in my third year. During that time, Robin almost drove me insane. He followed me everywhere on campus like some self-appointed bodyguard, clinging to me so much that people started to assume we were dating.

“Aw, they look cute together,” a girl whispered once, not realizing I overheard. I caught the smirk on Robin’s face and rolled my eyes. He’s enjoying this. Probably feeling himself.

“Don’t get it twisted, he’s my brother!” I snapped at the girl who made the comment.

And so it went on. I endured it all, waiting patiently for the day he would finally graduate. When that day came, just before he moved into his own apartment, Robin confessed once again that he still loved me—that his feelings had never faded. I brushed it off, as I always did, refusing to take him seriously.

The following two years in that house seemed… normal. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I went about my daily life, my school routine, as if everything was in place.

Sometimes, I spent the night at Chris’s place, lying to my mum that I was staying over at a new friend’s. The truth was, I never had one. Most girls only pretended to be my friends because of Robin, hoping I’d hook them up with him. But now that he was gone, I was completely invisible.

Chris and I had been dating since our second year. He knew how to make me laugh, how to read my moods, how to disarm my weaknesses. Still, if I was being honest, I couldn’t exactly explain why I loved him. He was nothing like Mr. Fred. Chris wasn’t particularly handsome, his fashion sense was awful, and his physique was nothing to brag about. Maybe it was his mind—the fact that he was sharp, intelligent—that drew me in.

Robin knew about Chris and me. At first, he was furious, almost unreasonably so. But the moment he laid eyes on Chris, the anger shifted into something else—confidence. He no longer felt threatened. Somehow, Robin just knew Chris wasn’t the kind of guy I would ever truly fall for.

One night at Chris’ place, I got extremely horny. He was already fast asleep, but I seduced him. By the time we started foreplay, I realized he was already hard.

He kisses well, no doubt, but that’s about it. He doesn’t know how to make love. He doesn’t even know how to have sex. He didn’t last a full minute, and just when I was beginning to feel it, it was already over.

Immediately after, he rolled over and went back to sleep, snoring like someone who had worked all day. I lay there beside him, still burning with desire—so much that I almost fingered myself. That was the first time Chris and I had sex since we started dating, and I knew right then it would also be the last.