Chapter 4: Samantha's POV

Pulling out of Robbie's driveway was hard. It was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. Yet, when I replay our moment together, his words still echo within me.

"Can I kiss you one more time?" Why Robbie, why would you ask me that.

"Sam, don't do this. This never happened. You're marrying someone...else."

Fuck I can't focus on driving. I pull over. I look at my ring. I love Mark. I love Mark. He's kind to me. We had a grand time in England. His parents live in a modest home in the countryside, and I helped them with their farm animals. I learned a lot about English living.

Why am I thinking about Robbie? I can't think about Robbie. He's my best friend, and now we've crossed a line. One I wish we crossed a long time ago. There's no going back now. We can only move forward.

I can't start this engagement with betrayal. Mark won't suspect a thing. And why should he? He really is Mr. Darcy. I will never give Robbie the satisfaction of knowing that.

When you're best friend kisses you, do you stop and think? I'm not sure what to do now. I call Hazel and drink my hot coffee. My windshield wipers move quickly as the rain picks up. My car is still parked, and I shed a tear.

"Hi, Hazel. It's me, Sam. How are you?"

"Sammy!! My oh my!! Congrats girl. I am so happy for you. We all are. Engaged to a foreign hottie, you lucky little daisy pie."

Hazel occasionally lets her southern expressions out. Hazel Rose Hawthorne, my best girlfriend. I don't have many girlfriends, but I had Hazel whenever I needed help with boys, and Robbie was useless. She doesn't date much; she still believes in a life without love. I think she will end up with fifty cats and a large dog if she keeps it up.

Hazel likes to read about romance, and she likes to write about it. But in real life, she and romance are far from happening. I always imagined Hazel or Missy ending up with Robbie, and yet here I am kissing him. Robbie's right. It never happened. We can't let ourselves be a couple; it would ruin everything. But damn, that was fire.

We're fire. The thing about playing with fire is once it gets started, it takes water to put it out.

"Sam...hello?" Hazel fake coughs into the phone to get a response from me.

"Yes...what?"

"Girl, get over here. I want to celebrate your big news with you. You must be so shocked to be engaged you can't even answer my questions. How cute is that?"

Hazel has no fucking clue what she's talking about. But, of course, it's not her fault that I don't want her to know the truth.

That Robbie Garvie is the best damn kisser, I've ever made out with. And now I'm confused. But I can't let that get me down. If we pretend it didn't happen, I can move forward. I will be nursing a baby boy four years from now, and it won't be Robbie's. But I might wonder why he isn't his son.

"Hazel, I forgot my wallet at Robbie's house. I'll be over in an hour or two."

"Why do you need two hours to get a wallet from Robbie's? Yeah, whatever."

I turn the car around. The windows get stuck as I try to close them. Damn, this car needs a tune-up. The clouds are endless marshmallows dancing in the air. I follow them to Robbie's house.

Whenever I think of Robbie, I look toward the clouds. His dad's up there doing bigger and better things than us. He's healthy; he's healed and up there. He's happier than the rest of us, I'm sure.

Down here on Earth is where the demons come to play. I still don't know how Keith Garvie died. Robbie never talks about it. It's a hidden secret beneath many layers of secrets.

Robbie is like an artichoke. With each passing year, more and more petals fall off. Hairs protect the heart of an artichoke. These hairs can get stuck in the throat of a predator. I haven't seen Robbie's heart yet. I almost did until he cut me off again.

I pull into the driveway. My heart sinks into my head as a migraine begins to surface. I only get like this when I'm nervous. But why should I be scared? Robbie just put an end to us. Not that we were ever an 'us.'

My hand still rests on the keys. Do I turn it off? Do I pull the key out? What do I do? Robbie walks out. I see him...God damn, that boy is hot. I can tell he's just finished a workout; he's sticky. But I secretly like his scent. It's sexy, comforting, and all him.

I put my broken window as far down as it will go. Robbie rests his arms on the top of my car. His scent fills my car as he does. His scent brings back memories of Prom night. I smelled like Robbie for hours after Prom.

"What brings you back over?"

His lack of eye contact shows me his grief. He crosses his arms, and his scent leaves my car. My girlish desires are left behind. I know I shouldn't want him. I'm confused, and I know he's confused too. But my engagement to Mark isn't the finish line.

Marriage is the finish line, and as far as I can tell, I'm free to mess around a little before the big forever. The big forever is marriage. I'm engaged. I should be excited and celebrate. But, instead, I need to celebrate with Robbie.

"I missed you. Can we talk?" I ask.

He opens the door of the car. I follow him back into the house, the same house we kissed in two hours before. I need to test the waters with Robbie before tying the knot with Mark. It will clear the air. It will be good. You can't fight fire with fire, but you can fight it with water. And testing the waters is still H2O.

He stands at the bottom of the stairs, confused as to why I am back here. I walk up the stairs to Robbie's room, hoping he will follow me. However, I hear the crack of the bottom step, indicating that he is indeed trailing behind me.

I'm still wearing my tank top. It's flirty and everything I know Robbie likes. I always wear tank tops around him to drive him nuts. I like him staring at my chest. It means he's only focused on me.

"Why are you here? I thought we weren't going to see each other anymore today."

His vague expression is adorable and makes me bite my lips a little. I shut the door for theatrics. No one else is here, just us.

"I liked being with you earlier, Robbie. It felt good."

His cheeks turn red as he sits on the bed. I follow behind and sit next to him.

"You can't, Sam. We can't."

"Why not? I'm not married yet. But, let's face it, we both want to mess around with each other. And don't even pretend you don't want to kiss me again. I can see it on your face."

Robbie's face turns angry as his eyebrows cross.

"I think you should leave. Don't fuck with me, Sam."

I've crossed a line. How normal. I can't even flirt like an ordinary girl. I want to be close to Robbie, but he's pulling away from me.

"I'm not trying to fuck with you. I'm sorry. I'm just confused by all of this. Can we give us one more try? Before I marry...Mark...I need to know..."

Fuck I can't...I don't know how to finish that sentence.

"What do you need to know?" Robbie asks.

"If you love me..." I say.

Robbie looks at me, and as he does, I put my lips on his. The straps to my tank top fall down my shoulders as Robbie's hands trail all over my back. He lays me on my back, the same way he did at Prom. The memories of that night come flooding back.

He puts his tongue in my mouth, and we French kiss for a while. He makes his way down my neck. I want him to kiss me everywhere. But he doesn't. He puts his hands under my back and flips me over, so I'm on top of him.

He feels my face with his thumbs. His touch is gentle. He kisses my forehead. I flip us back over. I want him on top. I want to feel his entire weight on me one more time before I get married. I know what I'm doing is confusing for both of us.

He puts his hand under my back again and unhooks the bra. It feels good to have the girls flying about freely.

He finds my lips again, and as he does, my heart pounds. I can feel our hearts beating the same rhythms within the cages of our bones.

"I...love...you, Sam." And just like that...Robbie Garvie's in love with me, an engaged woman.

I don't say it back. I'm too scared and too chicken shitted. We all know what it would mean if I did. But Robbie never expresses himself. And here, he has poured his soul out to me.

He pulls away. I don't want him to stop. I want to have sex with him.

"Sam, say something..."

"There's nothing to say..."

Fuck...yes, there is. I love you too, Robbie. Just say it, Sam. I cry. I can't say it.

"Get out of my house..."

He pushes me away through tears. But I know it's for the best. We all know Robbie will say anything in the heat of the moment, including an 'I love you.'

I look at his eyes and know the tears in them meant it was real for him. I have walked all over the one person who never lets anyone in. He let me in, and I ruined it like I always do. Way to go bitch. Way to go. I get in the car, and I don't go back this time. I skip Hazel's house and go home to cry in the shower.