Cold coffee

Chapter 14

*Lia*

The coffee was hot, I held it anyway with both hands, my palms went red, good at least I felt something.

Daniel’s place was spotless, gray couch, white walls, plants that weren’t dead.

He moved around the kitchen like I’d bolt if he stepped wrong, he didn’t know I was already gone, I was just a body sitting here, he put a plate down, eggs, toast, strawberries cut into hearts, who does that,

“Eat,” he said, pushed the plate, “Please, Lia,”

His voice was soft, everything about him was soft, I picked up the fork, put it down, my phone was on the table, black no messages, no calls, nothing, he let me walk out, that was it, I pressed my hand to my ribs, like I could hold the ache in,

“You’re shaking,” Daniel said, frowning,

“I’m fine,” I said,

Lie.....I wasn’t fine, I was pissed, at me, for giving a damn about someone who didn’t give a damn back, I drank the coffee, it burned my tongue but I didn’t care,

He sat across from me, he didn't eat either he say there na just watched “You didn’t sleep,” he asked .

But I gave no response.

Daniel pushed the strawberries, “Try, even a bite,”

I stared at the hearts, stupid, I pushed the plate away, “I’m not hungry,”

His face dropped, just a little, “Talk to me,” he said, hand half up...then down, “I’m here,”

“Don’t,” I said louder than intended, my eyes stung no not here, not in his house , I stood up I needed space.

He didn’t follow, he just started cleaning, loaded the dishwasher, wiped the counter, his back to me, shirt riding up a bit, I saw his skin a line of his muscle, I turned and looked at the window instead.

Outside, cars went by people living, all of it without me, my phone was in my pocket, I checked, still nothing, my thumb was over his name....i didn’t press it, what would I say, Did you even care I put it face down on the counter.

Daniel came back, no shirt just gray sweatpants, his towel over his shoulder his hair wet from the shower, drops of water on his chest, on his stomach, I looked at the floor instead , my face got hot, stupid,

He held a blanket and put it around my shoulders, his fingers grazed my neck, I flinched that instant not at him, at how it wasn’t, stop.

“Lia,” he said, close, voice low, “I need to ask you something,”

“Daniel, I can’t" I said “Not today,”

“Just listen,” he said, not mean, just firm, “Please,”

I didn’t speak, the clock ticked, loud in my head, he breathed in, “You’re hurt,” he said, “I see it,”

I didn’t answer, I looked at my hands,

“I’m not like that,” he said, “I won’t hurt you, I swear, I’m good for you,”

He was, he was kind, he was safe, he didn’t make my heart race for the wrong reasons, but I didn’t want safe, I wanted, no I shut that down, a tear got out, I wiped it fast, mad at myself.

“I can give you peace,” he said, “No more looking over your shoulder, no more fear,”

Peace sounded empty, “Just say yes,” he whispered, “Let me try, that’s all,”

His hand came up, toward my face warm I flinched again, he stopped, dropped it, “Sorry,” I said, barely a sound, “I didn’t.......,”

“Don’t,” he said, gave me a sad smile, “Think about it, okay, no rush,”

I nodded, couldn’t talk,

He left for work after that, “Door code’s 0419,” he said, “Stay as long as you need, my house is yours, Lia, always,”

Then he was gone. QI sat on the couch, and pulled my knees up, my phone next to me, still dead, he didn’t call, he let me go, I kept saying it, like it would hurt less, it didn’t.

I couldn’t do it, couldn’t sit here waiting for nothing. I grabbed my bag, hotel, anything, I opened the door, Daniel was there, breathing hard, like he ran,

“Lia,” he said, stepped inside, shut the door, “I can’t do this,”

My heart jumped, “I can’t pretend,” he said, closer now, “I’m not, whoever hurt you, I’m not him,”

His hands came up, held my face, his palms were warm, “I’m here,” he said, “I want you, I’ve wanted you since the first day I saw you,”

I couldn’t breathe, “I want to take care of you,” he said, “I want to make you forget what hurt you,”

His thumb moved on my cheek, “You don’t have to say it back,” he said, “Just, be mine, Lia, be my girlfriend,”

Everything stopped, his hands, his eyes... his words, my phone was silent, my chest was hollow, he was right here, asking, and I had nothing to give,

*Daniel*

She held that coffee like it was the only thing real, both hands, t her knuckles were white, I wanted to take it, to take the burn from her, she wouldn’t let me near.

My place felt wrong with her sad in it, she was here but not here, eyes on the door half the time, like she was waiting for someone else to walk through it.

I cut the strawberries into hearts, dumb, I know, but I thought maybe, if it looked nice, she’d eat, she didn’t, she looked at them like I’d insulted her,

“Please, Lia,” I said, hated how I sounded, begging, she flinched at the word, who taught her that please was bad.

She said she was fine, she wasn’t, her hands shook, her eyes were red, she hadn’t slept I knew the blanket on the couch was still folded perfect, she didn’t use it,

She said don’t, when I tried to reach for her, I backed off, last thing she needed was me crowding her, I turned, started the dishes, gave her room,

I took a shower after, hot as I could stand it, tried to wash the helplessness off me, but it didn’t work, i forgot my shirt, I didn’t think it that instant, I grabbed a towel and went back to her

She looked up, then down so fast , her cheeks went pink first real color I’d seen on her all day, it hit me in the chest, god, she was pretty.

I put the blanket on her, my fingers touched her neck, she flinched, I pulled back like she’d shocked me.

“I need to ask you something,” I said, I’d practiced in the shower, it still came out wrong, she said not today.

She wouldn’t look at me, I stared at her hands like they’d done something wrong, I kept going, told her I was good for her, told her I’d give her peace, every word felt selfish, because I wanted her, not just to help, to keep.

A tear fell, she wiped it like it burned her, I wanted to find whoever made her cry and break him, my hand moved on its own, went to her face. dropped it, felt like an idiot.

I wanted Lia , I wanted all of her and I wasn't going to stop until I have her.