BREAK ME

I didn't leave. I couldn't. He sat there, in the dark, white over his face, quiet. That's not something Kaelen would do on a normal day. I walked over to the blanket and I could hear sniffing. His shaken voice came from underneath.

“Please Leo…please leave.”

“No…” I said slowly. “I won't leave.” And Kaelen went quiet again 

I sat beside him, unsure of what to do. Should I touch him? Hug him? Say something? Fuck, I didn't even know why he was crying! I whispered as I quietly moved closer.

“Kaelen?”

“Go away, Leo.”

“No.”

“I'm serious.”

“So am I.” He let out a frustrated groan beneath the blanket.

“Why can't you just listen to me for once?!”

“Because you're crying!” He stayed silent and I immediately regretted saying that. Then, slowly, the blanket moved.

“I'm not crying.” I stared at him and I heard him sniffing like his nose leaked.

“Right and I'm the president of Nigeria.”

“Leo!”

“Okay, okay!” I raised my hands in surrender, but when he pulled the blanket away from his face, my smile disappeared.

His eyes were red, his cheeks were wet and he looked so exhausted that, for once, I couldn't think of a single stupid thing to say.

“What's wrong?” I whispered. He shook his head.

“Nothing.”

“Kaelen…”

“You don't understand.”

“Then explain it to me.” He laughed bitterly, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

“That's the problem, Leo. You never understand anything.”

I looked down. Because Ouch.

“Then help me understand.” He stared at me for a long time before looking away.

“Do you know what Mom said to me?” I shook my head.

“She said she's happy we're getting along.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” He swallowed, his jaw tightening before he continued. “And I wanted to be happy about it too. I really did.” My heart sank as he continued. “But I can't stop thinking about what would happen if she knew.”

She didn't have to know…we could have kept hiding it just like we've been doing. We've not even done anything lately…so what's going on with him? I reached out to touch his face but he looked away.

“Kaelen…”

“Don't.” I froze.

“Don't what?”

“Don't do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act like you care about me.”I blinked because what the actual fuck? What the hell?

“Are you hearing yourself?”

“Leo, please.”

“No, because what the hell does that even mean? I'm sitting here because you're crying, and somehow that's a problem too?” He laughed, but it sounded painful.

“Everything is a problem with you.”

“Oh, fuck off.” He turned to look at me, and for a second, I thought he was going to yell. Instead, his lips trembled, and he quickly looked away again. And that was worse…it was much much worse.

I didn't know what to do with this version of Kaelen. The one who couldn't look me in the eyes, the one who kept wiping his cheeks as though he could erase the evidence of his weakness.

The Kaelen I knew would have punched me for staring at him this long or flirted at least but this one couldn't even tell me to leave without his voice breaking.

“Is this actually about Mom?” I asked quietly. He shook his head.

“Then what is it?”

“Everything, Leo. It's everything.” His voice cracked on the last word and everything went quiet. He dragged both hands down his face before leaning back against the wall.

“Do you know how many times I've wanted to tell her something about you?” I frowned.

“Like what?”

“Anything!” He threw his hands up. “Something stupid that I saw you do at your school. Something you said that annoyed me or something funny you did. Anything! But I can't, because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to call you anymore!”

My mouth fell open and he laughed bitterly.

“My brother? My friend? The guy I can't stop thinking about? Or the one I fucked? What the hell, Leo?”

I stared at him and I had no answer. For once, I genuinely had nothing to say.

“And the worst part?” He looked at me, his eyes shining. “I don't even know when it happened. I don't know when I started looking for you every time I entered a room, I don't know when your stupid laugh became something I wanted to hear every day.”

He shook his head. “I don't know when I started wanting things I shouldn't want.”

My chest tightened.

“Kaelen…”

“And now she's happy!” he continued, gesturing vaguely toward the door. “She's happy because she thinks we're finally getting along. Dad's happy, everyone's happy and I'm sitting here feeling like the biggest fucking liar in this house!”

His voice broke.

“And you know what? I hate myself for it.” Something inside me twisted.

I wanted to tell him he was being so fuckin dramatic. That we could figure things out and that he didn't have to make everything sound like the end of the world but looking at him, I couldn't bring myself to say any of it because he wasn't being dramatic…he was hurting and somehow, I was part of the reason.

I shifted closer.

“Kaelen.” He wiped his face again.

“What?”

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Please?” He hesitated before turning his head. I stared at him for a moment, taking in his red eyes, his damp cheeks, and the way he was biting his lower lip to keep it from trembling and before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned forward and kissed him.

It was brief barely more than a second.

My lips touched his, and I pulled away almost immediately, my heart beating so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest.

Fuck. What had I just done?

Kaelen stared at me and I stared back…neither of us spoke. Then his face crumpled.

“Oh, fuck,” he whispered and he started crying harder not the quiet sniffing from earlier or those tears he'd been trying to hide beneath that stupid blanket.

He broke then he covered his face with both hands, his shoulders shaking as he struggled to catch his breath. My heart dropped straight into my stomach.

“Kaelen?”

“Don't.”

“Hey—”

“PLEASE, LEO!” I flinched. He curled forward, pressing his palms against his eyes.

“I can't keep doing this!” The words came out so loudly that I glanced toward the door, terrified someone downstairs might hear us. “I can't!” he repeated, his voice breaking. “I can't keep doing this with you! Or lying to my mother.”

I sat frozen beside him as he shook his head violently.

“I keep telling myself I'll stop. That it's a phase. Maybe I'll wake up one morning and you'll just be the annoying boy I stole his shine again, and everything will go back to normal!”

He laughed through his tears. 

“But then you look at me, or you say something stupid, or you fucking smile at me, and I'm right back where I started!”

I swallowed hard and whispered.

“I don't know what you want me to do,”

“Nothing!” He turned toward me, tears streaming down his face. “That's the problem! I don't want you to do anything! I just want to stop feeling like this!”

My eyes burned and he looked away, breathing unevenly.

“I want to sit at that dining table without wondering if you're going to look at me. I want to talk to you without thinking about kissing you. I want to walk into a room and not search for you like some fucking idiot!” He pressed his fist against his mouth.

“And I want to stop feeling guilty every time Mom smiles at me because I know there's something about me that would break her heart!”

I couldn't breathe properly because the truth was, I'd been thinking about those things too.

About Yvette hugging me downstairs, about how warm she'd felt…about how she was a mother I finally wanted to accept and how she'd called me baby and wipe my tears like my own mother used to.

And about the fact that I'd kissed her son…and had sex…and called her mom for the first time during sex…

Her son, who was currently falling apart because of me.

“But I can't hate you,” I whispered. “You mean too much to me right now.” Kaelen laughed bitterly.

“Then why does being around you hurt so much?”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and shook his head.

“You should go.” I stared at him.

“Kaelen—”

“Please.” His voice was quieter now. “Just go, Leo. Before I do something stupid and convince myself that one kiss means everything is going to be okay.”

I looked at his face then at his trembling hands. I wanted to kiss him again.

I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him we would figure everything out, even though I had absolutely no idea how but I was scared.

Not of him of course but of what it meant that watching him cry hurt me this much.

So I reached for his hand instead and this bastard tried to pull away, but I held on gently.

“I'm not going anywhere tonight,” I whispered. He shut his eyes.

“Leo, don't make this harder.”

“I know.”

“No, you don't.”

“Maybe I don't,” I admitted. “But I'm here, aren't I?”

For a moment, he said nothing, then his fingers slowly curled around mine and when he leaned forward, burying his face against my shoulder, I wrapped my arms around him.

He cried into my shirt and I held him tighter…that's all I could do. Neither of us said another word but as I rested my cheek against his hair, one terrifying thought settled in my mind.

I didn't want him to get over me…I didn't want this to emd. And I had absolutely no idea what that made me.