CHAPTER 4: FALLING IN LOVE.
No one is ever too young to love.
The amount of love you give might break you but also make you stronger.Dont be afraid to love.
~Humeyra
When you have nightmares on your depressing thoughts, when you can't spend a day without thinking of your future with him, when you can't imagine a life with him out of the picture, how does it feel? When you don’t know what to do any more, when you are scared of losing yourself in love, when you fell the walls closing up on you, when you feel that your heart aches for someone and that you are the cause of someone's heart break, what do you do?
Soon it became a habit to chat with Hamden over the phone that I forgot about the results from the hospital. A few days ago, my doctor called to inform me that my left kidney is almost failing due to the fall I had some time back and that I would have to undergo surgeries from time to time. At first I was scared but then talking to Hamdan had made me forget my health issues.
It was one of those days where I was back after my first dialysis session. I was feeling extremely weak and vulnerable but I didn't want to sleep before talking to Hamdan hence I sent him a text message.
My love: Asalamu aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu Hamdi.
Meyra: Wa aleikum salaam Humeyra. How are you doing today?
My love: Alhamdulillah. Hamdan, would you miss me when I am gone? I mean when am no longer in this world?
Meyra: Astaghfirullah. Humeyra why do u ask such a question
My love: because we shall all die one day and I wouldn't be able to live in a world without you Hamdan. I will remain a living body with a dead soul.
He didn't reply to my last text. I was so weak and under the influence of drug that I didn't pay much attention to it and just slept off. Though Hamdan knew that I was ill he didn’t know what my illness was about.
The next day I found Hamdan's message that left me breathless and heartbroken. It read:
“Dear Humeyra, I would like to be your friend but we cannot continue like this. What we are doing is against our deen and I feel so guilty just talking to you. I hope you understand but I think we should stop communicating from now on. And if you die, I will miss you, but wal iyadhu billah. I would be graduating in a week's time and I won't be around to look after you. Please take care of yourself for me.”
I couldn't stop my tears from falling. He is leaving me too. Ya Allah how did it come to this? When did I give him the power to break me ya Rabb? When did I lose my heart to him? No. nooooooo! Noo! Not again ya Rabb. Please don't leave me Hamdan. I love you so much. At this point I felt delirious and hysterical with panic and fear.
I cried the whole day. I got even weaker from the after math of the dialysis session that I went through the previous day. Hamdan, please stay with me. Please don't leave me. In my grief for his love, I forgot my health and became weaker. I knew the rules of ikhtilat by heart since my beloved ummi (mother) took a lot of time teaching me about it.
I knew very well that no matter how much I have been cheating my soul to feel better about being lonely, the truth shall always remain that what I was doing with Hamdan was haram (prohibited in Islam).As a learned muslima I knew that by heart and could write a book about why it was haram but my desires weakened my soul.Yesternyt was to a great degree tough on me.
I cried myself to sleep. The feeling of helplessness was very real to an extent it suffocated me Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Like you have nothing to live for? Do you ever think that you are useless? May be a baggage? Yester night I felt all that and more but there was no one to comfort and hold me as I cried myself to a point of exhaustion. Those I never acknowledged and forgot about at that moment were there though.
If only I knew, but again it’s never too late to know .Today, I woke up stronger, wiser, and even more matured if I could put it that way. I cried the whole night but I smiled today. I mean who wouldn’t smile to the brightness of the sun? I felt braver, dare I say bolder.
I thought that I had people I can call my own. I knew I had strength that I have never Know. I mostly lied to myself that my will was stronger that it was yesterday. I knew that I have a loyal lover of them All. I have Him my mighty creator. Yesterday is not today, I thought. Yet no one told me that yesterday's pain was nothing compared to today's heartache.
Finally, my roommate decided to step in and help me. She reminded me of my creator and advised me to confess my feelings to Hamdan which will consequently help me get the closure I needed. She held me for a long time in her arms that day.
I come up with a plan to meet him on the day of his graduation. I also decided to move away from the city and do online studying after my confession if things dint go well. Finally, I decided to prepare my heart for the worst to come. Dear creator, why does everyone leave me?
My parents bleeding form suddenly appeared in front of my eyes and the tears started a fresh. That day was one of the darkest for me for all the dark past I buried came rushing back to my head like a tsunami. I was deranged the whole day that the doctor decided to sedate me to put me to sleep.
I fell asleep thinking of the doom tomorrow would bring and for a moment wished that I won't wake up to see tomorrow .It was strange how he knew that I was not feeling well but didn't know the exact problem, Was the last thought on my mind before I drifted off to yet another restless night's sleep.
Arrogance befit no man for whatever we have today, won’t be buried with us tomorrow. ~Humeyra.HAMDAN’S P.O.VThe last messages I got from Humeyra really messed me up. I didn’t know that I meant so much to her that my death would affect her as much as she said. The poem she wrote to me still lingers in my mind as I recall my heart beating to every word that her poetry entailed. The poem goes as follows:His“Lost in the darkness, Shattered pieces of my broken heart, Loneliness in my soul, never thought it would heal. Then he came along. Never in million years, would I have though he would be mine? He picked up the pieces of my broken heart. He became a companion to my lonely soul. He took me by surprise. The darkest ti
CHAPTER 6: HER CONFESSIONIt’s better to have loved and lost than to have never experienced love. ~HumeyraHUMEYRA'S P.O.VI had a feeling that I would be heartbroken today. I might never see Hamdan again. For the past few days I have spent every moment missing his smile, his voice, and his wise comforting words. I miss him.I never told him about my health condition because I didn't want him to pity my condition when I confessed my love to him. I wanted him to not feel obligated to stay with me. I wanted him to stay with me simply because he wanted to stay with me as a lover and not a care giver.I prepared myself to meet the love of my life for may be the last time. I sent Aisha to him and Alhamdulillah he didn't disappoint Me., neither did she. I have come to trust A
CHAPTER 7: CONFESSION 2Love is like a two edges sword. If you master it well, it would protect you. If you hold it wrong, it will cut you. ~Humeyra.I am sorry was the first words he said to me. Those simple words broke my heart in to million pieces. He then continued smashing the already broken pieces of my heart to tiny pieces. “I am sorry Humeyra because I am not ready for marriage. I am also sorry because even if I was ready for marriage, you are not my type. I like you but as a friend, a sister.I feel that I am too good for you. You have none of the quality that am looking for in a wife. I am sorry Humeyra”. He concluded. His word made me so weak I had to hold on to the bed to not fall. I was sure I looked like a wrecked piece of art.I am really pathetic, I thought. Is this what love has reduced me to? A stupid worthless lady who was beneath the stan
CHAPTER 8: HIS REGRETYou never know how much someone meant to you until you lose them. ~ AnonymousHAMDAN’S P.O.VAs I was waiting for Humeyra in the presidential suite, I kept wondering how an 18-year-old could afford such a room. I was contemplating on different scenarios when Humeyra entered the room. Maa sha Allah. She looked particularly breathtaking in her plain abaya and black jalabib which hide her petite figure quite well. Why am I noticing that right now? Astaghfirullah.Lower your gaze man. I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and realized that she was seated rather awkwardly so I initiated the salaam which she shyly replied to. I was shocked for a moment when she was standing less
CHAPTER 9: LIFE CONTINUESSometimes life has a way of making us swallow our words. ©HumeyraWRITERS P.O.VHamdan spent a lot of money looking for Humeyra but he never found her. Occasionally, he would see her mirage like the broken glass in the sun but nothing more. Some would say that love is bitter others would deem it sweet. I call it bitter-sweet for without the pain there would be no gain. But all Hamdan and Humeyra felt currently was the pain.Many dream of a prince charming their very own Mr. Right, a knight in shining armor that would come to their aid, all the time. Humeyra was no exception for she thought Hamdan was her very own prince charming. Others dream of Cinderella their very own fallen angel with beauty and brains,
CHAPTER 10: REUNIONIt’s weird how what we fear most is what makes us who we are. It’s more bizarre how those we love most disappoint and hurt us. ©HumeyraWRITER’S P.O.V"I used to play everywhere. I was just eight I remember when I woke up every morning, all I thought of was the games I would win, the friends I would make, eating mom's delicious meals and sleeping. That was all my days were all about.I was young. Extremely innocent, free spirited like a butterfly and couldn’t harm an ant.I was fragile, young, stupid but happy. Then one day I made a wish: to grow older and stronger. I saw mummy cry and wished I was stronger to defend her.What I didn’t know then was
CHAPTER 11: HIS HEARTYou might be mighty and high today but the truth is, you will never be the best because in the same world there exists someone who is better than you are.©HumeyraHAMDAN'S P.O.VI had no idea why I wanted to please sidra, my higher religious education teacher. She was an ulamaa (scholar) something which I have not achieved yet and I was both impressed and envious. Her voice was familiar but I could not place it. She had a pleasant voice to the ears. I wonder how she sounds when she recites. I really hope she was impressed by my voice.Sidra was requested to recite for the class and I was never happier except when I saw Humeyra smile or laugh. I wanted to know how good she was to be our teacher. However, I was not prepared to hear her voice at all when she began and I stopped breathing for a minute.It felt like a De javu. A certain beauty flas
CHAPTER 12: THE LESSONSHamdan's p.o.vIt has been almost eight months since I arrived at the madrasa. Sidra and I established a routine where she taught me different sources of Islam. Within the few months of my time with sidra, I was more enchanted by her than I have ever been with anyone. She always had her signature Niqab on but not knowing what she looked like increased her appeal in my eyes.I was conflicted. My feelings were everywhere .Humeyra hunted my sleep and sidra occupied my days. I no longer knew what I wanted in this whole messed up situation. I was sure though that Humeyra won’t allow polygamy.She was the type of woman who had gherah with the people she loved.Humeyra.I miss her so much. I especially miss her voice and if I was being honest, I kept dreaming about her lips ravishing mine with her tiny hands wrapped around my neck affectionately. Astaghfirullah.