003 Cruelty disguised as sacrifice

***

~~Delilah~~

***

I toss and turn in bed, unable to sleep.

Soren's still in Ashley’s room and it's unsettling.

I try to keep calm, to not let it get to me but no.

I sit up straighter but that's when the door creaks open.

He lifts his brows. “You're still awake?” He asks, moving over to the closet. He barely even looked at me.

“You— you took a while,” I force the words out.

He waves me off. “Oh yeah. Was just making sure Ashley's well settled,” he says, walking into the bathroom.

Right.

I lean back down, pulling the sheets over me.

I want to cry but I don't.

Do I even have the right to?

He's not throwing me out, it's crumbs but it's something.

I just lay down with my thoughts a spiralling mess.

I hear the door open and Soren climbing into his side of the bed.

I don't turn, I just lay still.

I close my eyes and that was it till.

A loud knock on the door.

I jerk awake, but Soren's arms are wrapped around me. I don't have time to think about it.

Soren's already out of bed in no time. I tap my phone. It's 2AM.

My heart sank.

He pulls the door open and Ashley's there, shaking, like she's been haunted or better still chased.

I can hear the panic in Soren's voice. He stares out the door and back to her. “What happened?”

He cups her face, his eyes narrowed in on her.

There's confusion there. Worry. That particular glint in his eyes that shows he still cares.

“I— I couldn't sleep. I feel this tightness around my stomach, it hurts,” Ashley says through sobs and grabs Soren's hand, placing it on her belly.

I roll my eyes at that.

She’s lying, even blind Freddy could see that.

Soren hesitates. “I'd call Frank to advise us on what to do,”

“No, no. That's — not it. I can't sleep alone, Soren. I need you, we need you,”

My eyes are already wide. No, she wouldn't dare.

Her gaze lands on me, all bets are off.

I glance at Soren. He stands there, not moving, eyes on Ashley…he looks trapped but I can feel it deep in my bones.

He's not saying no to her.

He expects that I understand.

“Soren–,” I choked out.

Ashley turns to me with teary eyes. “Lilah. I hope you don't mind I borrow him for tonight…?”

***

I couldn't sleep all night. I counted every second, every minute till it was dawn.

Soren waltzed back in, no word, no explanation, no nothing.

I want to fuss but I hold myself back. It'd seem like I'm selfish. Ashley's pregnant, she needs him more than I do.

I let that words sit and when I hear the shower running, I walk over to the dresser, pulling open the drawer.

A bottle trips, scrambling out.

I pick it up, it's my vitamin and it's long finished.

It's been two months. I'd make out time to go to the hospital for a fresh one.

Dr Frank always insists I buy it there.

I toss it into the bin and sit back to style my hair.

“Slept well?” Soren finally acknowledges me.

“Mmmh,” I say, while looking at my eyes all puffy from clear lack of sleep.

How would he know when he hardly even pays attention?

He leaves the room first.

I stay back and fix myself up but my phone dings.

It's a remainder.

It's Grandpa's eighth birthday and there's dinner at the family house tonight.

My thought roams.

I wonder if Soren's going to announce the news of Ashley’s pregnancy to his family.

He didn't tell me.

This stresses me out.

Trust me I love Grandpa Alfred but Rebecca puts me off all the time, with her bitchy attitude and clipped tone.

I have to survive another night of Cameron staring at me like he wants to swallow me whole.

I sigh and put the phone down before heading downstairs.

Soren's already at the table.

I pause, surprised.

It's the first time he's sitting for breakfast in months.

But that's not what has me on the edge.

It's where Ashley's sitting.

A spot reserved for me and Soren let her.

That stabs me.

Ashley sees me first and flashes a fake smile that makes my stomach churn. “Good morning, Delilah. Slept well?”

That doesn't feel like a question.

I know this firsthand.

I just nod and settled into another chair.

I glance over at what they're having and quickly open my food.

My throat goes dry with an urgent need to throat up.

It's not what's for today and certainly not peanut butter on a toast.

“Brenda!” I call for the chef and she comes out. She lowers her head like she knows.

“This wasn't on the menu. Why are we having it?” I ask, seething.

“Ma'am I tried to tell Ms—,”

Ashley cuts her off sharply. “Uhmm– I was craving this, Lilah. I asked her to make this.” she lets out with a calm tone. “I'm so sorry for the trouble,”

My blood runs cold.

She knows.

My allergy is no news even in highschool.

I turn to Brenda. “But you know I can't have this,”

That's when Soren drops his fork with a loud thud. “If you don't want it why don't you just ask Brenda to make you something else,”

I sense irritation in his voice and that leaves my mouth hanging open.

Ashley reaches for his hand. “Hey, it's okay. I caused this, it's not Delilah's fault,”

His eyes goes to the contact and it lingers there, no attempt to pull away.

My chest tightens, my fist balled.

I feel sick.

I look away, my eyes landing on Brenda, and sure enough, she's watching. Her entire attention is locked on all of us.

On the married man being held by another woman.

On me— the wife, watching it all happen.

I stare at my hands. They're shaking. I hadn't noticed until now.

I tell myself I can be strong, that love is compromise. I tell myself that breaking quietly still counts as staying whole.

*****

I'm on a brunch date with my cousin Megan, and she's sitting across from me, seething.

I swear I can see steam rising from her head.

Somehow, that makes it hurt even more.

“Let me get this straight,” she chokes out. “Soren brings his ex home, and she's pregnant?”

I nod.

She straightens, anger flashing across her face. “He cheated, Lilah. How can you make him think it's okay to dump that on you?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, tears burning. “It’s his child. What was I supposed to do? Tell him to throw her out?!”

Morgan goes silent, eyes on me.

I recognize that look. It comes when I make one dumb decision after another.

“Soren said he's sorry. Maybe he meant it. And— he's not throwing me out. He's the only one who's ever given me something that feels remotely like home.”

Morgan finally exhales, like she's been holding her breath for me this whole time.

“Lilah,” she says softly. Not angry now. Just tired. “Home isn't meant to cost you this much. You can't hold on to a man for giving you the bare minimum,”

I laugh, but it breaks halfway out. “Then why does it feel worse when I think about leaving?” I reply, but suddenly, I feel queasy and nauseous.

I really want to puke right now.

Morgan notices.

“You alright, Lilah?” She asks, furrowing her brows.

I reach for the glass of water and gulp.

“Yeah. It's probably the effect of my allergy,” I answer.